Neither "Refusal to go down on me when I dress up as Bin Laden." nor "Unwillingness to be a donor for Scully's "tit transplant"" qualifies as a reason for the XPD of Agent Y. DO NOT proceed with this plan.
This is in the Manual, you should carry a copy on your person and re-read some of it every night before retiring. That is what I did, and it qualified me to hold the important position I am in today. Improving yourself is your duty.
"A bag of hammer handles" is not a qualitative analysis of mental condition. There are field test kits which can be forwarded to you on request which will give a much clearer picture of the ability to function well in a hostile environment. This is graphable data, much easier to present to The Committee in "Power Point" than some lowly field ops "gut feeling". Get on with "your" job and leave the thinking to those better qualified.
annoyed,
Agent (aboard Air Force One) X
PS: Don't send anymore sand in your report envelopes, that joke is "old". -X
PPS: I trust Scully is still able to function despite her injuries. Tell her the double-D prosthetics are still on back order, will forward soonest available. -X
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Hey! That sand is not sand, IYKWIM, AITYD.
--oTTo-
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She *does* have purty lips. Will read your manual, then recycle it.
BTW, I need more explosives.
--oTTo--
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Dear Agent Bahn:
I knew there was a familiar sinking feeling in my gut when H proposed that plan (copy attached) and The Committee decided to accept it, over my vociferous objections I must remind you. When they approved the recruitment of those drug-addled sixties left-overs "Dr." Raoul Duke and his purported attorney I sent a strongly worded memo to the Secretary forcefully underlining my reasons, for all the good it did. They never listen to me until it's too late and then "I'm" the one who's supposed to come in, pick up the pieces of their misguided dream world and kiss all the bruised egos better. Well, I'm mad as Hell and I'm not.....
(NOTE FROM CODING TEAM: THERE FOLLOWS A TWO PAGE RANT AGAINST OUR ESTEEMED LEADERS AND EMPLOYERS, THOSE WHO WE TRUST WITH OUR VERY SOULS, WHICH WE IN ALL GOOD CONSCIENCE CANNOT ENCODE.
-TH'ENIGMATEAM)
...and I'm glad I finally spoke out about this. I'm not sorry. I'm not!
According to the terms of the plan (copy attached) those explosives are strictly for trade purposes with disaffected locals who have access to large amounts of opiate matter, not so you and your pal H.S. Thompson (I found out his "real" name) can get your jollies off by blowing holes in the desert sands just because you like to hear things go BOOM! It would even make a remote bit of sense if you were actually destroying infrastructure or communication routes, but you're just blowing up rocks and sand and frightening the local camels.
yours truly,
Agent (cathartisized) X
PS: The request for the crates of Wild Turkey and grapefruit are denied. -X
PPS: Enclosed find the one thousand (1000) extra copies of the Operations Manual which you requested, study well. -X
(encl. 1)
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Dear Agent Bahn:
Enclosed find a copy of the plan which was supposed to be attached to the former communication but was not due to a slight clerical error in the Mail Room. Agent Y seems extraordinarily happy to be back at that desk after her little holiday in the desert, although a little twitchy, perhaps the air didn't agree with her. Since things seem to be going so well over there and she now has some field experience, I may retire once more and put her in charge of your file again.
Agent (contemplating) X
(attachment. 1)
CODE NAME: Operation Needle Park.
PROPOSED BY: Agent H for Houston, man.
OBJECTIVE: Reduce the supply of illicit drugs reaching these shores while at the same time acting as a destabilizing force in an unfriendly territory to be later specified.
EQUIPMENT REQUIREMENTS:
A) One only(1) - Hercules 130 aircraft c/w aircrew and ground support, to be supplied from mothballed air fleet.
B) One only(1) - Portable refuelling/mechanical service station for above, to be transported to location later specified.
C) One only(1) - Desert-camouflage hangar/field-shop/lavatory/canteen/crew-barracks/field-office/brothel combination structure, to be transported to location later specified.
D) One only(1) - Portable airstrip capable of landing/launching above aircraft, to be transported to location later specified.
E) One only(1) - Control tower c/w radar and communication capability, for above airstrip, to be transported to location later specified.
F) Five hundred only(500) - Tons of mothballed and chemically unstable C-4 or equivalent explosives, to be made available on demand.
G) Assorted light armaments, pyrotechnics, MREs, body armour, desert-capable light armoured vehicles, etc. to be later specified.
H) Other stuff, to be later specified.
METHOD:
1) Set up a camouflaged post in the (censored) desert c/w air strip, deliver the C-4 (or equivalent) via the Hercules, trade C-4 for opium with the locals, getting the best deal possible.
2) Load the acquired opium on to the Hercules.
3) Fly to the nearest convenient ocean and dump it there.
4) Repeat as neccessary.
COST/BENEFIT ANALYSIS:
Since all the costs have already been fronted by the taxpayer the only budget necessary is for day to day expenses, which can easily be covered by reserving and on-selling only enough opium for the overhead and thus saving taxpayer dollars and awkward questions in government chambers.
COMMENTS:
This plan RAWKS, dudes, and everybody can get a little taste.
Agent R. Duke, PhD.(Jour.)
As your attorney I advise you to accept this plan.
Agent His Attorney, (LL.B.)
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