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Quips & Quibs

Many a true word is spoken in jest. - English Proverb

Plenty of fun stuff has become my asset in these last few years, thanks to my being a web-worm, and the numerous emails (in my inboxes on different accounts), by way of forwards! From Jokes to Philosophy and from Shayari to Mockery. I would like to share some of the very best with you. Keep checking this page for renovations.

  1. Helpless Desk

  2. Romeo's questions and Juliet's answers

  3. Court room jokes

  4. GRE rhymes

  5. 10 most stupid Questions

  1. Helpless Desk
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    Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
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    Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
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    Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!"
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    Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
    Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
    Tech Support: "Well?"
    Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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    Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
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    Customer: "I don't have a space bar.
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    Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
    Tech Support: "What does it say?"
    Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
    Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
    Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
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    Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
    Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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    Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
    Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
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    Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
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    Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
    Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
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    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
    Customer: "Ok."
    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
    Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
    -----------------------------------------------
    Customer: "Now what do I do?"
    Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
    Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
    Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
    Customer: "How do you spell that?"
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    Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
    Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
    Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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    Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
    Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
    Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
    Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
    Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
    Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
    Customer: "What?"
    Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
    Customer "No..."
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    Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
    Tech Support: ?@#$?
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    Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
    Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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    Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
    Customer: "A white one."
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    Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
    Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
    Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
    Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
    Customer: "Which one is that?"
    Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
    Customer: "Ok, thanks."
    -----------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
    Customer: "How do you spell that?"
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    Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
    Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
    Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
    Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
    Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need
    to--"
    Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
    Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
    Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
    -----------------------------------------------
    Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
    Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
    Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
    Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
    Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
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    Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
    Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
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    Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
    Customer: "Pentium."
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    Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
    -----------------------------------------------

  2. Romeo's questions and Juliet's answers

    HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
    SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

    HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
    SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

    HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
    SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

    HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
    SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

    HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
    SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

    HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
    SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

    HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
    SHE: Okay, get out!!!

    HE: I think I could make you very happy
    SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

    HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
    SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

    HE: Can I have your name?
    SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

    HE: Shall we go and see a film?
    SHE: I've already seen it!!!

    HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
    SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

    Man: Where have you been all my life?
    Woman: Hiding from you.

    Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    Man: Is this seat empty?
    Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    Man: So, what do you do for a living?
    Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

    Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
    Woman: Do not enter.

    Man: Your body is like a temple.
    Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

    Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
    Woman: But would you stay there?

    Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

    Man: Where have you been all my life?
    Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams

  3. Court room jokes

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.  These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

       Q: What is your date of birth?
       A: July fifteenth.
       Q: What year?
       A: Every year.

       Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
       A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

       Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
       A: Yes.
       Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
       A: I forget.
       Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

       Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
       A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
       Q: How long has he lived with you?
       A: Forty-five years.


       Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
       A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
       Q: And why did that upset you?
       A: My name is Susan.

       Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

       Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

       Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

       Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
       A: Yes.
       Q: And what were you doing at that time?

       Q: She had three children, right?
       A: Yes.
       Q: How many were boys?
       A: None.
       Q: Were there any girls?

       Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
       A: By death.
       Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

       Q: Can you describe the individual?
       A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
       Q: Was this a male, or a female?

       Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
       A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

       Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
       A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

       Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
       A: Oral.

       Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
       A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
       Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
       A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

       Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

       Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
       A: No.
       Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
       A: No.
       Q: Did you check for breathing?
       A: No.
       Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
       A: No.
       Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
       A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
       Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
       A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

  4. GRE rhymes
    A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
    guess what's this ......

    Jack and Jill, went up the hill,,,,, to fetch a pail of Water,,,, Jack fell down and broke his crown,,,,,,, And Jill came tumbling after!!!!!

  5. 10 most stupid Questions

    10 most stupid questions' people usually ask in obvious situations.

    1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends... Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
    2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet... Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again.
    3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask... Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people. Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
    4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good?? Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
    5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years... Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big. Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
    6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask... Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
    7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping? Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
    8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair... Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
    9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts? Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
    10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke. Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

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    Last updated on 04/19/2003