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The War of the Fries - What Congress should do next about pernicious Gallicisms (13/03/02)Yesterday, the Congress Representative Bob Ney (himself of French descent) ordered French fries served at the Capitol to be renamed "Freedom fries" (I wonder, do they have "liberty salad" and "justice salad dressing" with those fries?) and its French toast "Freedom toast". But why stop there? Isn't it time for the Newspeak brigades to purge the USA of all those horrible Gallicisms?As a patriotic gesture, all Americans with French- and German-sounding (after all, the Germans are anti-war as well!) surnames should anglicise them. For example, Jacqueline Bouvier (who later became Jacky Kennedy) would have had her name changed to Jacky Herdsman or the more flattering Jacky Freedom. Gulf War veteran General "Stormin´" Norman Schwarzkopf is a one-man Franco-German conspiracy, because his first name refers to Normandy, France and his surname is German. But for those who took history lessons outside America, they will know that the Normans were Vikings, so Norman could be renamed Viking Blackhead (literal translation of Schwartzkopf), which would nicely fit in with his military credentials. As for the following members of Congress: Latourette ("the Little Tower"), James Langevin (from the region of Anjou, France), Denis Majette, W. Tauzin (named after the black oaks - Quercus tozza - common in southern France), Steve Chabot (the chabot is a fish with a very large head), Benjamin Cardin, Bob Beauprez (old French for "nice looking field"), Frank Ballance, Rick Boucher ("Butcher"), Earl Pomeroy and Lucille Roybal-Allard, they all have dangerously Gallic surnames. These foreign infiltrators should be sent back to France immediately. But let us not forget American companies with unpatriotic names, such as DuPont, which should be renamed "FromTheBridge", or maybe "FreedomBridge". Government agencies should not be spared either. The FBI´s name can be considered an act of treason, since it contains the French word "Bureau". I recommend renaming it immediately to "Federal Office of Investigation" (FOI). But this might lead to new problems, because the world "foi" is French for "faith". So it might be better to just rename the whole agency National Freedom Agency. Even the American press are keen to betray their country, as proven by the Wall Street Journal, whose name includes the offensive French word "journal" ("daily"). Then we must deal with those treacherous French-sounding towns and places. For example, Paris (Texas) should be renamed "Freedom" (Texas). Louisiana (named after the French King Louis XIV, whose grandson saved America from the English) should be renamed "Freedomiana", New Orleans should be renamed "New Freedom" and Baton Rouge "Red Stick" or maybe "Freedom Stick". And while we are dealing with the theme of geography, and since all things French must be renamed, one idea springs to mind. Henceforth, on American maps, France should be renamed…Freedom. But the mapmakers must be sure to inform the geographically challenged among us that Freedom, Europe is not the same as Freedom, Texas nor even Freedom, Missouri (formerly known as St Louis, after French King Louis IX). The American culinary vocabulary should be purged of French and German words (because the Germans are as evil as the French). The first restaurant to rename French fries "Freedom fries" was, ironically, in the French-named town of Beaufort. This town should of course be renamed "Freedom Fort", rather than the more exact translation "Nice-looking fort", which sounds a bit silly. The President's favourite snack, the Pretzel, is of course German in origin, and should be immediately renamed to Freedom. So the next time the President chokes on a snack, one can say he almost suffocated to death because of too much freedom, and that freedom is bad for your health. The Hamburger (named after an inhabitant of Hamburg, Germany) should be renamed Freedom burger, the town of Freedom, Texas, as opposed to the town of Freedom, Maine (formerly named after Montpellier, France). The word beef comes from the French "Boeuf", and so needs to be renamed. The word "Freedom" might be considered as a suitable alternative. This would also shatter the myth that Hamburgers and Beefburgers are different things. Similarly, Denim (literally "De Nimes" named after the town of Nimes in France), the essential fabric of Jeans, should be renamed "Material of Freedom". But bear in mind that "freedom" here refers to the noun meaning "liberty", not the town in Texas nor the President's snack, nor Freedom, Iowa (formerly known as Des Moines). Incidentally, the word liberty comes from the French word meaning.... freedom (as in the "Statue of Freedom", New York). Related Articles Safire, W.
2003. Freedom fries? How far will it go? International Herald
Tribune, 31/03/03 |
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