07/29/03 Washington, PC - Are-Ye-Fly-Sure, former press secretary of the Crab-Apple Bush Administration, announced last week that he would be writing a series of memoirs about his experiences in the administration. When asked if he planned to wait until Bush was out of office to avoid hurting the president's popularity, he responded:"Let's face it: Nothing hurts the president's popularity, and Democrats can't even read."
Fly-Sure later retracted his statement by saying "The press blew that sentence way out of proportion. I meant for there to be a hyphen, not a colon, behind the words 'let's face it.'"
The Blueberry Bush Administration could not be reached for comment, but one of Bush's top aids said "I don't know what you're talking about. Who are you? Why do you think I'm a White-House aid? Go away! -- Wait man, do you have some change for a brother?"
06/30/03 Washington, PC - Reports are circulating Washington concerning President Bush's favorite movie. Several rumors are being spread, but the Administration wasn't talking as of yesterday. One such rumor is that the President prefers The Lion King from Disney because, as Bush stated at a presidential press dinner, "Simba's life reminds me so much of mine: Evil uncles, no real father-figure.....And let's face it - I was baptized by a monkey...I admit it." But that rumor was dispelled by a series of other rumors, which can only be interpreted as honest-to-god truth by this reporter.
One D.C. resident shared her opinion. "I always thought it was Air Force One, ya know? He's always, like, trying to look like Harry-Son Ford, you know? And he probably likes to feel important."
In order to squash all rumors, Bush himself spoke to the press about it. "I don't think it's really that important" he stated, "but I love to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. My favorite part is the 'umpa-dumpa' song. I'll sing it for you..." With this he launched into song. In order to preserve the integrity of the president, this report will not print the lyrics. (See below)
Umpa-Dumpa Dupidy Dee! Sadam, if you're smart you'll listen to me!
You hurt millions, I avenged their deaths. But be warned your oil is next.
Umpa-Duma Dupity Do! I just hope when it's over I'll find you!
