Third Page O' Quotes

More, more, more...

"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." -Mark Twain

"So you're a god, eh? Very nice, very nice. But, you still don't have a reservation..."
-Monty Python

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock."

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt."

"The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think - rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with the thoughts of other men."

"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another."
-Dr. Who

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."

"It is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission."

"The meaning of life is to give life meaning."

"The problem with pessimists is that they're right too much."

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
- Shakepeare, Macbeth (V, 5)

"Instead of school busing and prayer in schoo, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckin' empty little heads off."
-George Carlin

"Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb." - Spaceballs

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." -Ashleigh Brilliant

"But Marge, maybe for once someone would have called me 'sir' without adding 'youre making a scene'"
-Homer Simpson

"You grab her feet, I'll grab her head and we'll stuff her into the filing cabinet until she's better."

"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." -Chinese Proverb

"We're all intitled to be stupid, but your abusing the priveledge."

"I've had that urge: to eat the wet-nap."

"You just have to pretend you see the giant glowing blue monkey."

"All the good things in life are immoral, illegal or heavily taxed." -Oscar Wilde

"You can trust the Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried every other alternative." -Winston Churchill, 1941

"Intelligence is like a river: the deeper it is the less noise it makes."

"Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons."

"if ignorance is bliss, then i know a whole lot of blissful people" -me

"no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power."

"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly."

"Aging isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives."

"The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right."

"Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored."

"Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable."

"The course of true love never did run smooth."
-William Shakespeare

"I like the sound dough makes when you throw it in the sink. It goes: 'thoonk'!"

"I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky."
- Homer J. Simpson

"Little is the number that think with their own mind and feel with their own heart."
-Albert Einstein

""There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." ~Calvin

"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so."

"the unexamined life is not worth living"
-Socrates

"The world is full of willing people: Some willing to work, others willing to let them."
-Robert Frost

" You can complain because roses have thorns, Or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."
~ Ziggy ~

"Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents."

"I've had it with reality, I want a fairy godmother."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

"People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile."

"I think anybody who surveys past history in an impartial manner will be driven to the conclusion that religion has caused more suffering than it has prevented."

"I'd rather be noticed for being different than be ignored for being the same."
-me

"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."

"In a way I used up some of my lonliness by writing."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
-George Carlin

"The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner."
-Mark Twain

"Ambidextrose: Able to put sugar in coffee with either hand."

"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."

"What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about?"

"If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
-Homer J. Simpson

"Anybody want some orange juice?"
"Mmmm, yeah. Whack me off a chunk."

"Isn't it sad how some people can't be funny, so they have to settle for being obnoxious?"

"Here I am waiting for the bus, eleven more years of school to go, then college, then maybe graduate school and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?"
-Calvin, CALVIN & HOBBES

"Kisses are like tears, the only ones that are real are the ones that you can't hold back."

"Amazing what caffeine and no sense of self-preservation can do"

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
-Steven Wright

"People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk."
-Stephen King

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."

"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead."

"2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2)"

"A fool and his money are soon partying!"

"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems"

"At 16 cups of coffee a day, sleep becomes irrelevant!"

"Bo Peep did it for the insurance."

"A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah."

"Smoking cures weight problems...eventually..."
-Steven Wright

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."
-Ed Bluestone

"For the believer there is no explanation needed. For the disbeliever there is no explanation possible."

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'"
-Jay Leno

"Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved."

"Caution: Contents under pressure"

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Had one fucking big omelet."

"Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for the satellite picture."

"I'm up and dressed. What more do you want?"

"CAFFEINE: One of the four basic food groups."

"I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go."

"We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
-Calvin & Hobbes

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."
-Janeane Garofalo

"If you put salt and butter on it, it tastes like salty butter."
~Popcorn explained (Terry Pratchett, MOVING PICTURES)

"I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude."
-Henry David Thoreau

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."
~Oscar Wilde

"If you don't watch all the violence, you'll never get desensitized!" ~Bart Simpson

"Exploding piglets!!! My god, it's raining bacon!"

"A morning without coffee is like sleep."

"Ahhh... I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us yet again...."

"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti." -Dr. Hannibal Lecter, 'Silence of the Lambs'

"You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell."

"Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better! I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really!" -Billy Madison

"You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch." -I feel better now, thanks.

"Religious faith is to human, what sand is to ostrich."

"Defeat isn't bitter if you sprinkle dirty revenge on it."

"Calvin: Know what I pray for?
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference."

"If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit."

"If that's what they call normal, i'd rather be insane!"

"Step up, ladies and gentlemen, come see if you can out drive the golf ball...uhh...whacker guy." -Happy Gilmore

"I think I could fall madly in bed with you. "

*"The natural superiority of women is a biological fact and a socially acknowledged reality."

"Well, I can tell the difference between butter and 'I can't believe it's not butter'." -Homer Simpson

"Religion is just synthetic frippery, unnecessary for our growing global culture efficiency." -Bad Religion 'God Song'

"My education was interupted between the ages of 6 and 17 while I attended school."

"Americans never recognize an idea unless it has white wings or a forked tail." -H.L. Mencken, 1920s

"All true wisdom is found on t-shirts and bumper stickers."

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
-Douglas Adams, revealing one of the laws of computers and programming in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. "

"I used to be with it, then they changed what it was. Now what was it isn't it, and what is it is weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you too." -Grandpa Simpson

"Funny, only sensible people agree with me..."

"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire..."

"I left my other vehicle in the broom closet."

"Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch." -Jack Handey

"I hate my job, I hate your god, I hate hypocrites and common slobs.
hate people who aren't what they seem, more than anything else,
American Dream.
promise me today I'll have a Chevrolet, with whitewalls on the side,
one boy, one girl, comfortable lies
the American Dream..."
"I warn you not to underestimate my powers."

"I will defend to your death my right to my opinion."

"Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow.
And every where that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high, Which really didn't please her.
Tonight she is having the leg of lamb, The rest is in the freezer."

"Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs."

"It's a wonder we don't dissolve in our own bath water."
~Pablo Picasso

"Breakfast: a pot of coffee and a straw."

"Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!"

"I test my bath before I sit,
And I'm always moved to wonderment
That what chills the finger not a bit
Is so frigid upon the fundament."
-Ogden Nash, 'Samson Agonistes'

"Punk is NOT about looking cool. It is NOT about being popular. It is a heartfelt movement of relevant music that comes from determined musicians who question the prevailing dogma."
-Greg Graffin from Bad Religion

"Coffee: The foundation of consciousness."

"H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!"

"I have an answering machine for my carphone. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'"

"If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?"

"Me= borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies."

*Want even more quotes? then go to theThe Fourth Page!

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