Bilbo held up a shiny metallic shirt and made it jingle. "It's mithril! Let me see you put it on."

Frodo unbuttoned his shirt, revealing The One Ring on a chain. "Look Bilbo! It's your ring, the one you're obsessed about!"

"Hrm? Oh, yes, very nice. Now take off that shirt."

When Frodo was shirtless, Bilbo acted like an old perv. He made a monster face and held his hands like claws. "Rrraaaarrghh!" He moved towards Frodo who stepped back and covered his chest with his shirt.

"I'm only kidding you, my boy!" Bilbo chuckled and took the shirt from Frodo. He threw it on the bed over the mithril shirt. He snapped his fingers. "Oh, I just remembered!" He rummaged through his big box then held up another shiny piece of clothing. "Mithril britches! Let me see you take those off. Er, I mean let me see you put these on."

"What's the difference?" asked Frodo.

"Frodo, please, I'm old!" A sly smile came to Bilbo's face. "Would you like to see me put them on?"

Frodo coughed and retched almost to the point of no return. "No! I'm sorry Bilbo." Frodo pulled his britches off and took the mithril ones. "Wouldn't these just destroy my Yoda underoos, though?"

"You are so keen, my dear Frodo!" Bilbo grabbed the mithril britches and tossed them aside then bent over his box once more to find... "Mithril bikini briefs!" He jingled them in front of Frodo's face.

Frodo rolled his eyes. "Let me guess. You want to see me put them on, right?"

"My boy, you are so sharp! They are so lucky to have you in the Fellowship. Why, I bet you could even teach ol' Gandalf a thing or two!"

"Did someone just call my name?" Gandalf said as he entered the room.

"I did mention it, my old friend," answered Bilbo. "Look, Frodo here was about to try on the mithril bikini briefs!"

"Ah, how wonderful!" The ancient Wizard was so freakin' (bleedin') happy. "Go on then, take those silly underoos off. Why Samwise would trade a perfectly good cabbage for those ghastly things is beyond me!"

"Well, maybe Sam knows what I like," muttered Frodo. He peeled off the underoos and reached for the mithril bikini briefs.

Gandalf gasped. "Oh, no!" He lifted Frodo off the floor, looked him over then sat him on the bed. "He has a rash!" The Wizard pointed to Frodo's waist. "Do you see it?"

Bilbo rubbed his finger over the mark left by the elastic band of the Yoda underoos. "You're right. I'll get some lotion and work it in real nice."

Frodo protested, "No, Bilbo!" He sputtered, "I, I have a servant to do such things. I can't let you do it."

Gandalf winked at Bilbo. "Frodo's right. Let's go find Samwise, then." He grabbed Frodo's hand and pulled him out the door while Bilbo pushed Frodo from behind. Frodo's clothes and all the mithril gifts were left scattered about.

The Grey Wizard and the grey Hobbit paraded the almost naked Frodo up and down the Elven halls looking for Sam. Frodo was worried about showing The One Ring in such a manner.

"What about The Ring?" asked Frodo.

"You are so right!" Bilbo said. "It does spoil the view." He yanked The Ring off Frodo's neck and threw it out the window.

Frodo, who was now totally naked, said, "We are leaving on the quest to Mordor in the morning, you know?"

Bilbo replied, "If you really need it, then we can find it after second breakfast. Hmph!"

Frodo looked up to Gandalf who just shrugged.

Meanwhile, Elves were fanning themselves and fainting all over the halls as the naked Frodo passed by. Arwen tried to track Frodo from the rear, you know, from his behind. Um, anyway, she was on his tail, but she ran into a door and knocked herself out cold.

Of course, Lord Elrond wasn't too impressed by the nude Hobbit. He had seen Frodo naked when he was healing him. Healing him, yeah that's it, he was healing him. Elrond shook his head and thought, "Samwise can be so nosey and untrusting!"

"Master Elrond!" Bilbo repeated. "Do you happen to know where Sam is?"

"That little..." Elrond started. "He's in the room with the big glowing fire that doesn't make the room too hot."

Gandalf and Bilbo took Frodo to the room with the big glowing fire. Surprisingly, the room wasn't too hot. It was nice and warm. They woke Sam from his nap on a chair.

"What's this?" Sam asked. "Why is Mr Frodo nekkid?" He blinked. "Not that I'm complainin', if you take my meaning."

Frodo sighed, "It's a long story." He sat naked on the floor, resting his elbow on his knee and his head in his hand.

"Well, I was trying to give Frodo a present..." said Bilbo.

"A present!" Sam jumped to his feet. "Can I have one, too?"

Bilbo answered, "Of course, my dear Sam. If you give me your shirt, I'll give you a present."

"I dunno, Mr Bilbo."

"Sam, would I cheat you? Don't you want a nice shiny new mithril shirt for that old shirt that probably smells like a musky young strapping gardner?"

Sam did his happy dance. "Boy, I sure do as that sounds like a mighty fine trade! Why didn't you tell me that before?" He took off his musky shirt and handed it to Bilbo who took a deep whiff then tossed it aside. Wait, no, he took two deep whiffs, thought about a third but then tossed it aside.

Bilbo said, "I'm giving three presents to Frodo."

"Three?" asked Sam. "Can I get three?"

"Sam isn't really a bikini briefs kind of Hobbit," said Frodo.

"Now why are you talkin' like that, Mr Frodo? Can't you see me and Mr Bilbo are busy here? Talkin' about what I wear and don't wear underneath!"

Bilbo said, "I do have some mithril boxers..."

Frodo shook his head and said, "Sam, don't you see what's going on?"

"What's goin' on?" asked Merry as he and Pippin entered the room. "Why is Frodo naked?"

Gandalf tried to hush them with his finger at his lips.

Merry said, "Whatever's goin' on, you know Sam ain't complainin'."

Pippin added, "If yeh take mah meaning." They both chuckled.

Bilbo asked Gandalf for a box. The Wizard took off his hat, pulled out a little red box and handed it to Bilbo.

"Now, Sam," Bilbo explained, "let's make a deal. If you give me the rest of your clothes, I'll give you three gifts that will really help you and Frodo on your quest to Mount Doom, OR you can have whatever's in the little red box."

"Hey!" cried Pippin. "Why dinne yeh tell us yeh were gonne play nekkid game shows?!" He started to unbutton his shirt.

"Pippin, stop that!" said Frodo.

"Well, lemme jest git comfortable an' open up mah shirt!"

"Yeah," said Merry, "and I'll just take off my suspenders."

Frodo said, "Merry, you know what happens when you do that!"

"What?" said Merry, then his britches fell to the floor.

Frodo sighed.

Sam asked Bilbo, "What if I just give you my belt and britches?" Bilbo shook his head. "What about my foot brush? Sometimes they ask for foot brushes on that show."

"No, that's not part of this deal. Sorry."

Frodo said, "Sam, just quit while you're ahead."

"Can't I have a little enthusiasm from the audience?" asked Sam. "For cryin' out loud!"

Merry and Pippin pumped their fists in the air. "Ooh, ooh, ooh!"

Frodo buried his face in his hand like a king of Rohan.

"Can I give the box a shake?"

Bilbo weighed the box in his hand then nodded. Sam put the little red box up to his ear and shook it. It sounded like a stupid piece of rope or something.

Sam said, "OK, I'll take the three gifts that will really help me and Mr Frodo on our quest to Mount Doom."

"Alright," said Bilbo. He waited. "Off with your clothes then."

"Right now? Right here?"

"Ooh, ooh, ooh!"

Sam blushed then took the rest of his clothes off, even his favorite boxers, the ones with the little hoes and rakes.

"OK, mah turn!" stated Pippin.

"Hey, I'm older than you!" said Merry.

Frodo said, "You two don't even know what the presents are. They're mithril, forged by the Dwa..."

"We don't care as long as it's fun!" said Merry.

Pippin said, "Yeah, nekkid game show is fun and it's mah turn!"

"Now there's plenty of prizes left," explained Gandalf, "so just calm yourselves."

Bilbo grabbed the Wizard's beard and pulled him down. "What are you doing?" he hissed. "I don't have enough mithril for all of them!"

Gandalf whispered, "I've seen your big box, my friend. I know you have plenty."

"I am planning on having company over this weekend, you old goat! Some nice young Bounders from The Shire!"

Gandalf freed his beard from Bilbo's hand. "Don't worry yourself. I'll just ask Gwaihir to fly me to Lonely Mountain and pick up some more."

"Bah, that stupid buzzard could drop you into the Crack of Doom, and I wouldn't care!"

"What?" said Gandalf. "That gives me an idea..." Suddenly, naked Pippin was jumping in front of him and he lost his train of thought.

"This is fun!" exclaimed Pippin. "I aven't bin nekkid in a looooooooooong time."

"Weren't you naked at elevensies?" asked Gandalf.

"Yeah, it's bin a long time!" Pippin was still jumping for joy.

Bilbo was smiling as his head followed naked Pippin up and down. "Gandalf, my old friend, this is going to be a night to remember! Sorry about my hissy fit."

Merry was naked too. He said, "OK, we're ready to make a deal. Pick whatever clothes you want, Bilbo."

Just then, Elrond walked in and saw the four naked Hobbits. "What in the name of the Valar is happening here?!"

Sam stepped up and put his hands on his bare hips. "Can't you see? We're healin' each other!"

Elrond turned his nose up and left in a huff, slamming the door behind him. SLAM!

"Alright, then," said Bilbo. "Let's move this party to my room where we can have some drinks and I can then find your prizes."

"Hey, I'll just borrow Merry's britches," Frodo said as he stood up.

Pippin said, "Frodo doesn't like ta be nekkid."

"I don't know why that is," said Merry. "There's nuthin' wrong with his carrot 'n' potatoes."

Sam gave Merry an ugly look. "Don't talk about sweet Mr Frodo like that! Besides, carrot 'n' potatoes sounds stupid if you ask me. Don't know how you queer folk talk in Buckland, but up in Bag End we say meat 'n' potatoes or sausage 'n' eggs. An' anuther thing, when we don't have company, he does so go about nekkid..."

"Sam!"

"See what you gone an' did?" Sam asked. "You made Mr Frodo hungry an' all, but we usually eat that meal alone, if you take my meaning."

"Ah, ah, ah!" said Gandalf. "Careful, Samwise, we are trying to stay clear from an NC-17 rating."

"Now don't spoil the fun, my lad," Bilbo told Frodo, "besides those are my britches now, all these britches and those little hoes, too." He snapped his fingers three times.

Merry snatched up the britches. "Are we taking the clothes with us?" he asked Bilbo.

"No, my dear Merry," Bilbo grinned, "let's throw them all in the fire!" Merry and Pippin gathered all the clothes. "Oh, not Sam's musky gardner shirt!" Pippin passed the shirt to Bilbo who put it over his shoulders and took a whiff. "Aaaaah, such a fine shirt from such a fine young strapping gardner! I'll keep it for Sam until he returns." He closed his eyes. "Very musky!"

Merry and Pippin held the rest of the clothes over their heads then threw them into the big glowing fire.

"Boy, it's sure gettin' hot in here!" announced Sam.

"Yeah, I bet you're getting hot," Frodo muttered, "the way old Bilbo is going on about you."

Gandalf opened the door and they all followed him towards Bilbo's room.

Pippin turned to Merry, "What are we gittin'? What's mithril?"

Merry shrugged with a smile, "Dunno, Pip."

Frodo rolled his eyes and sighed.