Jerry: That's even worse than Bob and Jody over here.  

Bob: (in a small voice) Jerry... Jerry.... I'd like to say something to Jody.  

Jerry: (turning to Bob)  Well, Bob since this is your segment, go ahead.  

Bob: (pulls a box from his pocket and opens it to show a ring, and kneels down in front of Jody)  Will ya marry me?  

Madelyne: (turning to the couple) Don't do it, Jody.  He'll leave you in a heart beat and never tell you why.  

Jean: That's it, I've had it with your *bleep*. (She stands up and walks in front of Madelyne. Scott follows Jean and grabs her shoulder to coax her back to her seat.  Feeling his hand on her shoulder, she shoves him down to the ground with a telekinetic blast.  "Jerry" chants begin again.)  

Madelyne: You want to say something to be you *bleeping* whore.  

(Jean kicks her chair and sends her toppling backwards.  She continues to kick Madelyne until she is tripped and falls to the ground where they roll about behind the chairs.  General hair pulling, scratching, slapping, and screaming is observed.  All the security comes out, knowing that they're telekinetics, to break them apart.)  

Cable: (Watching all of the guards occupied lifts up one of the vacant chairs with his telekinetic powers and flings it across the stage) I've always wanted to do that on this show. (He brushes away an imaginary tear as he realizes he's fulfilled his "Jerry Springer Chair Throwing" fantasy.)  

X-Man: (nearly getting hit with the flying chair, stands up and walks very calmly to Cable, not knowing he didn't mean to hit him)  You nearly hit me you *bleeping*  mother *bleep*  

Cable: (smiling calmly) Hearing about some of your past flings I'd say you were the mother *bleep*.  (X-Man slugs Cable in the face only making him smile more)  And that's my other dream. (he counter punches X-Man hard in the face)  

(Rachel, very calmly, walks toward the audience and stands behind Jerry, out of harms way.  In only a few short seconds, boths Nates are wrestling each other on the floor, each one enjoying themselves a little. Scott stands up, after Jean had shoved him, trying to direct his attention away from fact that his wives and his sons are fighting each other on the floor, sees Bob and Jody making out, utterly disgusting him)  

Scott: (walking over)  Don't you two have any decency? (yelling at Bob)  She's you're aunt, you shouldn't be doing this.  (turning to Jody)  And you... I just don't know what to say... you're just *bleeping* sick, at least he can say.....  

Bob: (standing, challenging Scott)  You don't talk like that to ma woman, you hear?  

Jody: (tugging on Bob's shirt)  It's okay Bob, let's do what the *bleeping* Mutie *bleeping* wants, he'll turn us into *bleeping* toads if we *bleeping* don't.  

Bob: Okay, but honey can I watch his bitches wrestle in those tight, tight outfits then?  

Scott: (grabbing Bob, by the collar of his shirt, lifts him up and flings him as far as he can)  You don't call me wife a bitch!   

(Bob begins to sits up as Scott leaps at him.  Pinning his shoulders to the ground, Scott begins to pummel him not realizing that Jody is about to strike from behind.  Seeing this, Rachel smiles and charges at Jody knocking her to the ground.)  

Rachel: Fighting ignorant rednecks in front of a national audience, it's just like my dream last night.  (she begins to kick Jody in the face, and remembering from Jean's mistake earlier, she's quite careful not to allow Jody to grab either of her legs.)  

(The audience is on their feet applauding and chanting Jerry's name.  Many are laughing, as each and every member of the panel is now somehow involved in a fight.  Chants grow louder and louder as the cameramen pull in for closer shots and the some what French producer slides unseen behind them and approaches Jerry)  

Producer: (covering the mic so that the conversation isn't picked up)  These are de highest rating ever!  We just beat "Oprah", "Judge Judy", and "De View" combined, ten times over!  We have to have mutants on more often.  

Jerry: How much time do we have left?  

Producer: Enough to do some questions from de audience and then de Final Thought.  

Jerry: What about them? (motioning to the chaos on stage)  

Producer: Call a commercial break and we'll send out de SWAT team to separate them.  

Jerry: We have a SWAT team?  

Producer: Remember de show "My girlfriend is doing tricks for my best friend when I'm her pimp."  (Jerry nods) Second segment.  

Jerry: ah, I remember now, that one girl had been working for all of them and then they fought for her, okay. (the Producer sneaks back away and looking straight into the camera.)  We're going to take our last commercial break and then a final thought.  

(fades out)
(commercials include that Rayband commercial with the vampires, a Psychic Friends Hotline, and a "I Can't believe it's not Butter" commercial.)
(fades in)  

Jerry: If you are just joining us, you missed a very interesting show.  (everyone is seated some what calmly and the chaos of earlier has been handle. One of the guards is helping Jody back to her seat as she cradles her arm) These people or at least four of them say that they have the most confusing and complicated romances ever.  I'm going to take questions from the audience.  (moves over to an over - weight black woman in a red dress) Yes, your question?  

Black Woman: This is for Jean.  Why are you even with him?  You could do so much better.  (Jean begins to speak but gets cut off) Honey, you need to dump that zero and find yourself a hero!  Keep him to the curb!  (sits down as the audience applauds)  

Jean: I love my husband dearly and I'm not leaving him.  The only thing I might do is kick that scrawny bitch's ass again!  (audience applauds idea)  

Madelyne: (taunting Jean a little) Bring it on.  (smiles) Maybe you should tell everyone who was winning during the commercial break!   

Jean: (shrugging her shoulders) Sure... me!  (Madelyne gets up and the guards very quickly grabs her and brings her back to her seat.)  

Jerry: Another question...(handing the mic to one of the college boys that had been chanting "ECW" before)  

Boy: This is for Jody.  I think Scott's right, you need to get some professional help.  First of all, you're involved with family.  Secondly, you fell in "love" with him when he was seven.  And lastly, you were his pimp before that.  You definitely have some issues to sort out.  (audience claps as he sits down)  

Jody: (her eyes widen and her nose twitches a moment in anger) Who do... who do... who do you think you... you are anyhows?  A shrink?  

Boy: (shouting from his seat, just louder enough to be heard on air)  Third year in my studies, sister!  

(Jerry runs over to an attractive woman in her late thirties and hands her the mic)  

Woman: Cable?  (Cable looks up from his daydreaming)  You're an attractive man and I was wondering if you weren't seeing anybody you and I could maybe...  

Jerry: (with a smile) This is a talk show not "The Dating Game."  

Cable: It's okay Jerry.  (addressing the woman, as politely as he possibly could) You seem nice and all but as a matter of fact I am seeing someone and I don't want to give off the wrong impression since I think she's probably...(thinking for a moment) I *know* she's absolutely watching today, so I'm sorry, I can't.  (the woman sits down and he lips "Hi Dom, this is why I didn't take you" in the camera)  

Jerry: Okay, one last comment.  ( he holds the mic in front of a man in his late forties, standing next to his wife, holding her hand)  

Man: Scott, you are just a no good, womanizing, ingrate!  I would never leave my wife if my first love came back because I promised in the presence of God to cherish her always!  (audience applauds) And what you did to your father is unforgivable!  He loses his wife, thinks his children are dead, finds comfort in his new friends and you keep bringing up the fact that you suffered!  That man saved your life and you repay his by shoving him until he has no other choice than to finally strike out against you!  If I was your father I would have kicked your ass instead of just scratching you! (he sits down as the audience cheers)  

Scott: But you don't under.....  

(He's cut off as the camera focuses on Jerry, standing in front of that ugly modern art painting, with the microphone under his chin)  

Jerry: The Final Thought.  What lessons have we learned today?  Maybe one of those lessons are that we shouldn't get ourselves tangled up in complicated and often times painful webs when we find ourselves in love.  Maybe it's best to stay clear from situations like these and as hard as it may seem, leave those relationships early before we find ourselves too deeply involved.  Love and the feeling of love are the most complicated emotions in human nature and maybe it is for the best that emotion reign as the most complicated thing in a relationship.  

Jean: (whispering to Scott) Is he saying that I should have left you?  

Scott: (whispering back)  I think so, honey.  

Jean: (still whispering) I suddenly don't like this show as much as I did before.  

Jerry: Maybe it is for the best to learn everything about a man or a woman before getting emotional involved and then weigh all of the information on the scale in our mind to decide whether it would be even a good idea to spend time with that person.  Another lesson may be to treat your family as it is, your family and not allow yourself to see another member of your family to become a love interest in your eyes.  Maybe we should treat children as they should be treated, as children and not sexual toys to be rented out to strangers.  There may be more lessons that we should speak about brought up on this show today.  Lessons such as the horrors of discrimination, the beauty of commitment, proper child care, respect for our parents, and the general use of common sense when faced with such situations, have been taught today through example.  Please take care of yourself and each other. (audience applauds)  

(fades out)  

THE END...Return to Fan Fiction