| 12th April, 2002. 10:20 pm. Hello! I must be going
now...
True realization never sets in until the night before. I can't hardly be the only person that feels that way...Even with your whole mindset on preparations, last minute substitutions, subtractions, or additions. Even when you've been working the angles for weeks...the full weight never hits you until you start thinking you ought to go to sleep. And this, of course, always ensures you can't sleep for shit. Last night most of the virus succombed to my superior white blood cells so I was able to give myself a much needed haircut. Windy this morning, and rainy today, so of course I've no guarentee I won't be coughing all the way to Seattle. This is where it would be a really good idea to have a full night's sleep. Que sera sera, the wheel weaves as the wheel weaves, what will be is as it has always meant to be, wake up and pour yourself into a uniform; take your pick. I feel so helpless right now, like I haven't done my job, like I'm a crappy Noncomissioned officer ("officers of my unit will have maximum time to accomplish their duties, they will not have to accomplish mine"). I know it's not my fault...there's no way I can control the world around me, keep soldiers undergoing UCMJ action from having "nervous breakdowns" and checking themselves in/seeking out physcological counsel, getting appointments with Trial Defense for such soldiers even though all the lawyers are on leave or TDY or whatever, keeping tabs on the whereabouts of every joe that isn't mine 24/7...Despite this knowledge, despite constantly being praised for my hard work...it tears me up to leave work for others to do in my absence, even if they don't have any work of their own to be doing. I don't like people doing my work for me...doing it differently then me...throws my system a kilter, leaves me out of the loop. When this shit happens, my most important role--keeping the command out of trouble in the face of conducting UCMJ action, separating soldiers, crossing the "t"'s and dotting the "i"'s on international law...I'm not there. No matter what arrangements I make for all of this to happen in my absence, I can't be satisfied. For the second time in a row then, I leave legal actions uncompleted while I go stateside. It happened when I went on leave in October, and it's happening this time as well. It's not that I don't trust the people of 10th ASG. There are a lot of fine NCOs in that JAG outfit...they just don't have the working relationship with group I have. They can't interact with the HSC First Sergeant or the Battalion Exectutive Officer, for example, on the same level as I can. They don't have the same understanding of the SF mentality that I've gained in the past year. Sigh. I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon, and that is that. I've done everything I can. I accidentally packed away both of my good pairs of jeans, and checked my baggage earlier today already, so I'm left to wear sweats on the plane...which, thinking about it now, is actually for the best I think. Tomorrow will be one very long day and the added comfort will go a long way. Only 26 years old and I simply cannot fathom how many miles I've traveled, over land, and air. I'm been through more airports in the last four years than some people go through their entire life. San Francisco, Oakland, Seattle, Houstin, Dallas, Chicago, Charlotte, Greensboro, Denver, Detroit, Osaka, Okinawa, Perth, Sydney, Singapore, Kaui, Maui, Hawaii, plus two going to and from Basic Training at Fort Sill that I can't even remember exactly where...some of these ports so many times I can't even count. Now I'm going to add Nashville, and Carlottesville. If all goes according to plans, around this time next year I'll add China, Vietnam, Thailand, and mose stops in Oz to that tally. Dear me oh my. That's not even counting all the military aircraft, air bases, drop zones, or landing zones... I've had an exciting life so far. I'm proud of where I've been and where I'm going. I'm awe struck over all the adventures and I wasn't afraid to undergo, and all the opportunities still out there, just waiting for me. If I was to die tomorrow I honestly would have no regrets...I've already lived such an amazing and full life. I guess I'm being a bit egotistical here, but I honestly think I've lived up to my expectations of what life is all about. Life is fulfilling me. I am fulfilling my life. I have everything a man could truly desire--the respect of those he works with, the kind of loving family that can never be separated by any amount of distance, the guts to try everything I set my sights to, and the courage to do what is right. Honestly, what really is there? Material things are worthless in comparison to all of this, but even there I have just about everything I could possibly want. OK wait...I just remembered. If I died tomorrow I would regret one thing...never seeing the _Raft of the Medusa_ hanging in the Louvre ;) Tomorrow I leave Okinawa again for a while. This may be my last entry for a few weeks--internet access is going to be sketchy until I get back. I look forward to catching up on everyone's life when I return :) Live well! Current mood: content.
Comments: jentwo
Have a safe and happy trip, Glen!
rainingvodka
Nothing on this date last year |
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