| 1st May, 2002. 8:13 pm. My God I Hurt
So I try back dating an entry and end up overwriting an entry instead. Wonderful. Oh well. Right now I am just SO not in the mood to even care about it. I'm back in Okinawa, sitting at MY computer, in MY room. It feels so nice to be back "home". My room is a total mess, bags half unpacked, shit everywhere. My bed is made, but only barely. I just don't feel like tidying up. In fact, right now, there really isn't much I DO feel like doing. I'm drinking beer and smoking. I think the chain smoking has affected my brain and body like it has never done before...or maybe my last beer had something wrong with it...I dunno. Very odd situation to come back and have basically nothing in the fridge, freezer, or lauder but a six pack of icehouse. I am, of course, making the best of it...namely, drinking said beer. I had a couple last night and I'm on my second now after getting home from work. What I ought to do is take a shower...being back in this all so humid climate...it's a change...again. So many changes of climate in this past month I can't really be surprised my body is feeling weird. I don't feel like taking a shower either. Going back to work today...it felt so fucking weird putting on my fatigues and boots this morning. A large part of it is the realization that I will only be doing it for another year. I suppose it's the aging process, getting accustomed to something, but now it's hard to imagine NOT putting on my fatigues and boots. In fact, it feels unnatural to think about NOT doing it. It even feels *wrong* to think I won't be doing it a year from now. Today I got yet *another* email from one of the SOC legal NCOs about re-enlisting. Everywhere I go, everyhwere I turn...the propaganda is EVERYWHERE. Even in the PAC there are new re-enlistment posters. When I was sitting at the table with my parents Sunday night, drinking some wine with my parents (chardonay...I *hate* white wine...but mom AND dad were having some so...god it felt *weird* to feel peer pressure from my PARENTS of all people!) and my dad put it so VERY succintly..."If you re-enlist don't even think about coming back here (to home)". I can't recall if he said it in exact words, but he intimated that he would disown me if I DID stay in the service. What he said puts an icy chill in my heart even now, thinking about it. My dad is anti-military. It has never really dawned on me the extent to which my enlistment dissapoints him. Over the years my mother has grown to be proud of me and my service...but my father...I realize now just how deeply I hurt him. He only joined the navy because he was certain he would be drafted and go to vietnam. He hated the service and pretty much everything about it...as opposed to me. I have military in my blood, plain and simple. Dad served (even if under duress), two of my three uncles served (the other only because he was too young), my grandfathers served. My mother's father was a high ranking officer in the russian army that fought against the communism taking hold of "Mother Russia", which is why he had to flee the country, leaving his entire family to be murdered by the communist party's forces. I have been brainwashed, or my eyes have opened...whatever is truly the case, I honestly love the service. I am honestly proud of being in the army. I am honestly concerned and sorrowful to think about retention issues and I hate telling my superiors I STILL plan on getting out, despite their talk about how they hate to see such a great soldier leave. I HATE explaining myself, time and time again, day in and day out, to people I honestly hold in VERY high esteem and the UTMOST respect. It literally HURTS me to tell these people I want to get out of the army. I feel ashamed to even mention it now. Jesus christ...I can't even imagine having a civilian haircut anymore. I have mixed feelings about my father right now. I hate him with a passion for what he said. At the same time, I love him more than I have ever loved him. Maybe he understands me more than I ever imagined, because Love has always been so etheral to me...yet it has ALWAYS been stonger than hate. It could be because I have so little experience with love that I am still overly optimistic about, it but I don't know. So now on top of all the emotions I have, I have an even stronger forced decisiveness about getting out of the service. I can't even think about getting back into the service after a few years of absence. I can't even picture joining the reserves or national guard. And I can't get Kim out of my head either. That isn't making things any easier. God I fucking HATE that. Every attractive women I've seen these last few days has made me think of her...japanese, american, brunette, blond, short, tall...it really hasn't mattered a single bit. I see soldiers here on deployment from Fort Lewis, and I think of Randy...and when I think about Randy, I think about Kim...and then my mind spirals into that descent of despair that only impossible love will force. Every single word I write concerning her...I reread over and over, so intent on getting it *just* right, killing myself softly to read over it, to embellish it, to document my emotions as perfectly as I am capable of. Everything right now is just so fucking confusing. Everything is just too much. I have never in my life felt like this. I have nowhere to go, no-one to turn to. Everyone I know is military. Even the chaplain, the one counselor I have available to me, is military and will probably try to get me to re-enlist too. The only place I have to go is right fucking here in my journal...where, really, I can do nothing but cry into the wind. Readers, console as you want...I just don't see how it could possible soothe this fire in my heart, my soul, my mind. While I was in Virginia for my course/conferense/seminar, *whatever* the fuck is the proper term...I kept think about how out of place I was. There I was, listening to presentation after presentation, about professional development, about the future of the JAG Corps, about promotions and assignments and being in the military...and all I could think was...I'm being paid to be here and I'm only going to get one year to use all this other information the course was providing, and then Randy gave me the brief speil about re-enlisting his NCOIC insisted he give...and later Kim...without a doubt the most influencial voice I've heard given my total head over heals complete and utter infatuation, not just talk to me, but INSIST I re-enlist. I'm burning up inside. For two years now getting out of the service has been on my mind, and I've been writing about my thoughts, cemeting my goals, setting down the pros and cons, making my decision and sticking to it. I've been planning my finances, planning my college education, my job options, where I'll live... And now that my "re-enlistment window" (one year from ETS) begins on Tuesday I'm faced with all of this extra shit...the traffic in the bay area having gotten worse, particually where I plan to live, my father's views, my insecurities and fears, the truth of just how far my MGIB will carry me (which isn't nearly as far as I had originally hoped for), the difficulties I will face (as evidence by my close friend Dan's predictiment)... Despite how wonderful this TDY and subsequent vacation was for my soul. Despite how wonderful a time I had. Despite all of it...now I feel just so fucked up. I thought I had everything worked out, to the "T" even...but I was just so wrong, dillusional even. Jesus mother fucking christ but Life is just so mother fucking hard sometimes. I'm scared, confused, bewildered, and so completely lost. Everywhere I turn I find only questions and no real answers. At one point, not too long ago, in fact, I had it all worked out. I felt so happy, so carefree, so sure of myself...and now all of that is blasted to hell. If I didn't love life so god damn much I'd kill myself and end all of this. Current mood: confused.
Comments: taliana 2002-05-09 15:11 I have no idea what to say, but felt I needed to write. I seem to remember writing about a time where I felt completely lost, and I remember you saying some very encouraging things to me. I know this isn't an easy time for you, and that your father's words must have cut very deep. But have faith that everything will work out for the best. The path and the answers aren't clear right now, but they will become clear in time. Stay true to yourself..and most importantly, be good to you. *hugs* rainingvodka
*hug*
Nothing on this date last year |
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