Right now I am finding it very hard to be alone...all these thoughts swirling around in my head do nothing but scream at me in my solitude. But D isn't home and really...there isn't anyone else I feel like hanging out with around here. 

Go figure...the one thing I want most when I'm away from wherever it is I currently lay my head and hang my hat, be it on leave, TDY, or whatever, is some time to myself. Of course I almost never get it while I'm away. Now I have it in abundance. There isn't even anyone online I can IM because everyone is on the other fucking side of the world and still asleep.

I've been catching a lot of buzz about Dashboard Confessional these past few months so I picked up on of their CDs when I was "over there". This is really not music that helps my mood any...but I like it so I won't turn it off.

Yesterday I sent that one SOC NCO an email saying I wasn't going to re-enlist, because I weighed all the pros and cons. So today I got another email from him asking what the pros and cons where. I swear it's all driving me insane.

I have blisters on nearly all my fingers, right near where the digit meets the palm. It not's from whacking off too much either (If that was a common malady I'd probably have callouses the density of titanium by now). I spent an hour out at Torii Beach rowing a kayak around. Sunday is the annual Dragon Boat race and I signed up to be on the Army team this year. I was dissapointed last year because I wasn't able to be on the team. I swore that the next time I would get in on it. Today was the final practice. I unfortunetly missed all the other kayak sessions while I was gone last month.

Well...it's been a year. This is my last chance. This is the year I have to make good on all those things I said "I'll get to it next year", like the boat race, the world's largest tug of war, the cherry blossoms, traveling the orient...

And I resolved to not email Kim. I have both her work and her yahoo addresses at my office with all of the course documentation, and originally I was going to send a friendly, "Hi, I'm back to Oki, had a great time hanging out with you, hopefully I'll see you in Korea sometime" sort of email. With the way I'm twisted up right now I think it's better to avoid that sort of contact...much easier to forget. Despite how normal I think this sort of situation is, I can't help but feel utterly pathetic about it, and about how I drone on and on. It twists my belly though that the idiot part of me wants to write some gushing "I had such a great time, you're probably the most amazing woman I've ever met, I envy Randy like I have never envied anyone" email. Being alone I have no-one to talk to but this crazy voice telling me things like that, among other things.

What I need is to finally meet someone where I'm not afraid to leap through hoops of fire for...or even better yet, meet someone sans hoops. Then I end this all too tired tirade I've been carrying on for the last several years.

OK so that CD was short. Now Tori's on and she isn't helping me a whole lot either. *sigh* 

I weighed myself this morning. I couldn't believe it but I lost ten pounds while I was gone. TEN POUNDS! I sure hope to all hell it's not all muscle atrophy. *sigh* 

current music: Tori Amos _Under the Pink_ 
 
 

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