5:52p - Let me just Preface this... 
By saying I am SO soused I made it through only seven episodes of the third season before I just HAD to post something on the issue...

Relationships...

I am so feeling like I would make some woman's "perfect man". I'm not Fabio. I'm not Kurt Russel or Sean Connery or Brosnan or Damon or whomever a women's current "dream man" migh be...

I.e. yeah so maybe I'm not a "hunk"...but I don't think I'm ugly...not really...not ugly as often as I sometimes feel. I've got drama, free thought, emotions...a method of expression and a freedom of thought that is simply hard to find...I've got vision and dreams and a way of looking at the world. I've got love just waiting to be unleashed and...everything...

I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity for so long now. I'm just waiting for an opportunity. I don't want to settle. I don't want to take the first chance that comes my way. I'm not in "blue ball hell"...

and yet...I've been single for too long. I've waited TOO long for a real relationship. I've starved myself for so long because I've always been afraid and I've always had "admirable" excuses.

I'm at the point where I feel like I'd make just about *anyone* lucky as all fuck by falling for...I feel arrogant and pompous and so "all high and mighty" for feeling like this...

I watch Charlotte and Carrie and damnit that redhead I can't remember the name of (I admit Charlotte is the one I want to meet the most)...and it just *hurts* to see the imagined drama. I want to hold one of these fictitious women and BE with them and love them and just...everything.

I don't feel lonely...not at this moment...but I do...often. I'm tired of ALWAYS making the decisions, where to go, what to do, who to spend time with...yet...I don't want to get tied into something that will "hold me back" and "crush my dreams." I want someone that wants to travel, go off on wild concert trips that last for weeks. I want someone that can understand me and my complex emotions and my simple dreams. I want to meet a woman that wants to fullfill her dreams just as I do...someone with dreams I can HELP to fulfill. I want someone that wants to help fulfill MY dreams. 

I want to meet a woman that I can sleep to next to at night and feel COMFORTABLE with. I want to meet that woman that I'm unafraid to let make decisions for me. I want to meet a woman I won't be afraid to let be a PART of me. I don't feel WHOLE. As cliche as it may be...I don't feel complete.

I started one of those "30 things to do before I die" lists...and I couldn't make it past 16. I've done so much already...been so many places, seen so many things, experienced so many aspects of life...and i wonder just what is left. With only a few exceptions, I've already done everything that I could ever want to do alone.

I want, more than anything, to be in the situation where I can ALLOW all of the "relationship stuff" to happen. Right now though I just don't think I can LET any of this happen. My walls are too high right now...and that hurts. Like a dagger in my side, like Christ's wound in his side that would never heal...i hurt. Most of the time, I hide it well...I hide it SO well, in fact, that I even hide it from myself...

Is it so wrong to want to feel besieged? It can't be wrong to want to meet someone that WANTS me like I want her. It can't be wrong to WANT someone that thinks like me, that's been looking for someone like me. 

Damnit...I don't want a supermodel. I don't want a woman with huge breasts or a victoria secret sized ass. I'm not dreaming of some lofty angelic personage...just someone that is looking for someone like me...someone that has eyes I can lose myself in...someone I'm not afraid to conquor my fears for. I'm dreaming of someone that thinks like me, that will hold me and coax me back to sleep when I bolt awake in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I'm dreaming of a woman that can accept the crying side of me as well as the screaming part of me. I'm dreaming of a woman that believes in living for "the moment". I'm dreaming of my *single* soulmate.

I say *single* soulmate...because I met my soulmate. She knows who she is...

And yet she isn't the woman I'm looking for...not anymore. Four years ago she WAS the woman I was looking for. She held me, understood me, talked to me. She stayed up late with me and listened to me and let me listen to HER. She wasn't afraid of me or uncomfortable around me. She *completed* me...made me want to go on living.

But circumstances...god I HATE that word, "circumstances". "Time" is another word I hate...The two of them changed everything...put JUST enough of a spin on it to change that soul"mate" into a soul"friend". I'm OK with that change. In fact I couldn't have it any other way, wouldn't even WANT it another way...not now. I can't even DREAM of it being any other way...

I just want a chance with someone like christa again...

I love you christa. You were the woman I was put on this earth to meet, to fall in love with, to marry and to build a life with. You were my soulmate. But times have changed. They have changed you, and they have changed me. I am not the same man that was meant to drop those cassettes on your desk and say "what do I have to do, tie you up and tickle you?" You are no longer my soumate. I am not the same man that was supposed to just *accept* that you couldn't have a realtionship. I've never been a man to regret anything...but I *DO* regret letting you go so easily. I should have FOUGHT for you. I SHOULD have fought with you with the strength that I have only in the in past couple of years gained. I *regret* letting go of the man that I used to be. I am *not* proud of being "brainwashed"...but I am...enlisting changed the man I was. Perhaps it was for the better, perhaps not.

Despite my only regret...it is something that HAD to happen, for the sanity of BOTH of us. 

Christa I love you, but it's changed. You've a new soulmate, and it would **KILL** me if you let him go. Don't you EVER let B. man go. No matter what you may have EVER felt for me...you and me will not ever be. Even if something changed and it was possible...

I wouldn't say it was your fault for "fucking it up". "Circumstances" denied it. I love you as platonically as a man could EVER love a woman. Harry was wrong on that cross country car trip.

SO! if you ever, even for a SECOND, think that you hurt me...I want to put that issue to a rest...right now and right here, that you have only made my life more beautiful, and worthwhile. Honestly, I think too much of you to ever let anything you say or do hurt me. I have never met a woman, or a man, that has moved me like you do.

I just live my life hoping to meet someone like you again. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to wait that long. 

current mood:  indescribable
current music: _Sex in the City (theme type music) 
 
 
 

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