| Monday, June 17th, 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6:08p - Funk Bored. Tired. Ambliviant. Working for the weekend and then even the weekend feels wasted. Time is worthless...work, sleep, play, write, read, watch...I just feel so very numb to everything right now. About the only thing that strikes any kind of reasonance in me is crossing days off the calender...and that is small and even more it is fleeting. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks now. Everynight I bolt awake at around 0100 or 0200 and have to sit up, eat crackers and cheese or something for an hour or so until i can get back to sleep. Evernight I wake up and zombie my way through whatever I can to occupy my time and trick my body back into slumber... This morning I refused to give in and rebelled by not going back to sleep at all. I consigned myself to the day and had my first pot of coffee at 0400 this morning. I dread going in to work. It goes like that at times...it's always a viscious love/hate relationship with work--just as I am sure it is with others...or i suppose, most of the lucky ones. The unlucky ones NEVER have a love relationship. The truly lucky ones never know what it is I'm feeling right now... or do such people even exist? Could there possibly be anyone who never once, not even for a second, hated the way they were trading their life for money...because that's all that work is; the means by which you trade your life away to sustain said life. 30 hours, 40 hours, 50 hours a week...whatever. Then you sleep...and what's left...that's what you have to yourself. Lately there hasn't been any distinction between what is mine and what I give away. It isn't the first time. I doubt it will be the last. I hit a roadblock to all my wonderful travel plans today. I will have to put a lot more effort into finding affordable airfare than I both anticipated and wanted. *sigh*. I feel so frustrated because even there, the one guiding light...it grew dim today. Maybe I will have to revisit this region later in my life... I began poking around the net for information on the Pacific Coast Trail last night/this morning. I'm trying to decide if I can hike the whole thing straight through (that's 20 miles/day for about 5 months--2665 miles from mexico to canada). I emailed Dan to see what his thoughts were as I'd like to have him do it with me. I was hoping to run into some friends online and pass the time chatting but sunday...apparently few of my friends were on sunday morning. *Sigh* So...yeah. Drinking some beer at the moment, fidgeting, and...nothing. I hate these blue periods. It's more than just monday...it's like manic depression i suppose. Maybe it's the rain getting to me again. Maybe it's a side effect of my body craving niccotine still. Maybe I've just had enough of...what? paradise? Hah! Enjoy paradise while it lasts, if you're even lucky enough to ever consider someplace as that. It certainly comes and goes. *Sigh* I know I'll feel better eventually. I don't even have to force myself to believe that...just a fact of life. I need change. I NEED change. I NEED CHANGE. *Sigh* the next 50 years are going to be rough I think. That's the funny thing about life. You can have it all figured out. You can have your future layed out before you like a roadroad...but all it takes is time; uncertainty creaps in...and before you know it... POW! I NEED CHANGE! what i need is another beer. My ancestral line seems to be populated by deep thinkers like me...so yes I can understand why there's an alcoholism history. free thought sucks sweaty donkey balls dunked in feces. current mood: apathetic
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