I'm not actually IN love.

and honsetly...after all you wonderful people made me think that you thought I was (ack! "be" verb!) , I started to think about it from a sort of distanced viewpoint...I'm not sure I really AM ready for love. I think I like to think I am, and that I'm sick of being alone. In fact, come to think of it...I'm not so sure I really even WANT to be in love. I think perhaps I just like to moan and whine about my solitude in order to draw sympathy and pity. In reality, I think I prefer to sleep alone, to have completely free reign on my future and my destiny...to do my masturbating and be done with it.

and to not be afraid

I think that I am really just a dirty cum stained whore in a ripped red party dress. I crave the attention of the readers. I live for my comments. I want to be desired, loved, and appreciated...without physical contact, without true interaction, without impinging on my choices or my life. Fuck me but even as I write this I am thinking of feedback. Part of me wants to have a completely silent audience on this one...i want to feel hurt that none of you respond. Another part of me is drooling at the comfort and reassurance these words will draw.

When I began journaling, I had the noble and lofty idea that I could provide insight and wisdom for others, that I could enlighten at least a small portion of people by documenting my mistakes, my failures, and my fears. When I began I was more concerned with getting my life story across, and not with getting feedback on it. I wasn't looking to make friends or to join a fraternity. 

I was younger and more impressionable then. I had dreams of changing the world, of making a differance. When I began online journaling...

I have subsequently lost myself and my purpose. I can't write without thinking of an audience now. My voice has changed. In reaching more of you, I have forgotten the whole reason I am here. It stopped being about YOU and now it's about ME.

The kicker is that this kind of pain doesn't mean a shit to most people with online journals. I think I am a better person than them, because I am noble. I put myself on a higher ground because I am more pure, and more deserving of an audience. I see myself as an agel, a saint, or even a god figure...throwing plastic roses at the crowd, crying fake tears and making broken promises...

but for fuck's sake...

I lost my humility somewhere. I lost it and now I have to feel around in the dark with broken fingers...fingers I broke on myself and darkness I created at the expense of you all.

I love all of you and I loathe myself. Fear not, it won't last long..because that would require true compassion and a conscious...two things I misplaced somewhere...

or did I?

*sigh*

Five hours from I'll read this and wonder what planet I was from at the time. Five days from now I'll be...the same as I was before? Am I trapped in a rut? 

It used to be so easy to understand myself, my thoughts, my emotions. In fact, I had it all down to a science. Now I'm not so sure. It's actually embarrassing. 

current mood:  confused
current music: Tori, SW Walk 
 

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