The Countdown. A week and a half until i step into La La land, southern california...

the bastion of all that is vile and evil in my thoughts on California. The region of my otherwise fair state that I have avoided like the bubonic plague. The embarassing portion of my home. The dirty topic ne'er discussed at parties. 

Where San Francesco has always been my Meca, Los Angeles has always been the icy layer of Hell. 

And blah blah blah...she doesn't live in Los Angeles. She lives farely removed from the "glitz and glamor". Still...to this boy...all of southern california is the same. Water whoring thieves. Purveyors of sickness.

Amazing how she lives there...amazing that despite my disdain for the place, I am eager to visit it...open minded to seeing that I may be wrong. Amazing that despite my thougts of the place, i found her.

Sort of like when Robin Williams went to hell to find his wife in _What Dreams may Come_. To think my dreams may come of this.

Boggles the mind.

Anyway...back to the real topic of discussion...it's so close I can almost taste it. It should be my every thought. It should make me quake in me boots. It should make me count the seconds.

But it doesn't. When she isn't there, I wrap myself in my day to day life. Always looking at the tasks at hand, the solutions to find, the projects to complete, where to go, what to do...All things in their time. Everytime I have felt such meaningfull events draw near it has been thus. Perhaps it is my mind's way of keeping me sane. I suppose I should count myself lucky for this "skill" of mine. Must be my patience.

all things in time.

I haven't talked about our meeting in this forum yet. I haven't discussed my endless daydreams of it...what I'll be wearing, what she'll be wearing. What color her hair will be then, whether she'll be wearing her glasses or not...if I'll pick her out of the crowd like it didn't exist, or if she'll spot me first. If my hands will be cold and clamy or clenched in nervous throes. 

If Time will slow like it does in those magic moments. At what instant the realization and adrenalin will hit. If we'll kiss or simply hug until dusk. If I'll pick her up and twirl her around in glee...or shed a tear in wonder.

I wonder about what I'll say...something witty or something profound? 

I wonder what my heart's first reaction will be...after all of this...if the physical chemistry will be there...after all this. I wonder the same of her.

I feel like I've known her all my life, for ages, throughout past lifetimes. I feel like I haven't known her for a day.

I wonder about everything the last few months have entailed.

It feels permanent, it feels transient...yet it never feels like it could even possibly be a mistake...not for a moment.

I haven't grasped the fullness of what this trip means. I can talk about it, think about it, and wittle away at aspects of it...but the totality of it escapes me. To be honest...i'm OK with that.

This meeting of ours has been built up in our minds to the extent that those first thirty seconds feels like make or break time.

Because in the space of those thirty seconds it's all going to fit. one way or another.

i think.

Who am I to grasp the totality of love? And what does it matter if it fits the way I dream in those thirty seconds? It's not as if I'm going to just walk away if it doesn't. We've put too much of ourselves on the line to give up so soon, or so easily.

I'm not allowing myself to walk away from this with a broken heart. Not this time. Not if I have any say in the matter. (then again...when do any of us have any say in that department?)

que sera sera.

my mantra.

que sera sera. 

current mood:  contemplative
current music: Eddie, Beck, Mike Ness "Sweet Virginia" 
 
 

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