"Wake up, wash, and pour himself into a uniform" courtesy of Eddie Vedder and da boyz

"Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain" America the Beautiful

"I pledge allegiance to the flag..." Pledge of Allegiance

"Four score and seven years ago..." Gettysburg Address

"Bring me your tired, your weary..." Inscription on Lady Liberty

"I am a Noncommissioned Officer, a leader of soldiers..." NCO Creed

Four years ago I plunged headfirst into a new world. One of regulations, creeds, art 15s, UCMJ, spit shined boots, BDUs, m16s, m4s, m40s, yes sir, no sir, salutes, SALUTE, Army Values...

Today was the day I was supposed to be done. Today was the day I was going to be a civilian again. Today is a day I never even dared to dream about. Four years is too long to dream...

Four years ago I was just past suicidal tendencies, illegal drugs, legal drugs, misplaced thougths on life, reality, and feeling lost within the world. Four years ago i had no purpose, no vision, no dreams, no life.

Today, I am high on life, kicked the illegal drugs, kicked the feelings of worthlessness and confusion. Today, I have purpose, I have dreams, I have a future spread before me. Four years ago today i plunged myself into a cocoon and now i sit here as much a butterfly as I could ever be.

And I'm in love.

My thoughts weigh heavy on my shoulders today. I made a choice a year and a half ago to extend my intial contract and come to Japan. I made that decision of my own free will and for myself. I have never regretted it...and yet today I wonder. I could be at my parents house RIGHT NOW, at this VERY second, drinking the same beer I drink now, wearing the same blue robe I wear now, typing nearly the same entry I type now except for this last musing. I could be free of "the man", of staff duty, of formations and PT tests and yes sir no sir and all of it. Most importantly...right at this very second...I could be home.

I miss home. I miss the brown hills that srpout green grass two weeks out of 52. I miss the way San Francisco lights up at night. I miss the golden gate bridge, the beaches, the redwoods, the traffic jams and bookstores and used record shops and the Warfield and mountains and my mum and pop and sister and my two darling little nieces. I miss having as much control over myself as a civilian can. I miss american movie theatres and newcastle on tap. I miss real pizza and human sized portions at Burger King and jack in the box. I miss seeing a speed limit of over 45 miles an hour...ANYWHERE. I miss my car. I miss going to college and cramming for finals and being stressed out over midterms and papers and that one poem i just don't get. I miss christa, katrina, amy, daniel, derek and the nameless, faceless crowds that I at least speak the same language with. I miss voting booths, Coffee Cavern, Walmart/Target/Burlington Coat Factory, and walnut creek. I miss Arcata, Antioch, Concord, San Jose, Brentwood, Oakely, Dublin, and every gas station I've ever stopped in at 2AM in the morning. All of it...and more. Things words could never express. Home.

But I can't...

I made that decision of my own free will and testament, and now I'm over here in a foreign country, seven months to go still. It hurts. It's meant a once in a lifetime opportunity, these seven months, but it hurts. It's meant whole new experiences and memories to last a lifetime, but it hurts. Seven months means more diving, more sunsets in paradise, more beautiful views everyday of the Sea of China, more beautiful runs along Hija River and through downtown Yomiton, but it hurts. Seven more months to serve my country and give back to all those who have gone before me, to be a truly selfless man and a patriot, an NCO in the United States Army, but it hurts.

It hurts. oh lord how it hurts.

Emotional cocktail.

"one more shot to kill the pain." unknown.

now I'll proceed to get as drunk as I possibly can. 

current mood:  disappointed
current music: Tori Amos _Under the Pink_ 
 

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