I had to set her free.

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never meant to be."

I don't want her to be gone forever. I want to keep her in my life. Nothing wrong with that...but here's the kicker...I still want her to love me. I can't be a real friend if everytime i see her online or read her journal I want her to talk about me, about her feelings...because no matter what she says, I'll interpret it like I interpreted everything she said before my trip -- that she loves me, wants me, needs me; like i need her. I can't listen to her and advise her and watch her grow because I'm always be stifling her by my selfish desires. I won't accept that she doesn't return my affection and if i don't step away and go down my own road we'll never have a healthy friendship. In time my selfishness will turn to rage, and maybe even hate. I'll project all my own issues about love on her. I'll paint her as a scapegoat, as the source for all the problems that i myself made. I'll villianize her and i'll never be happy.

So i deleted her off my LJ friends list. So i could write private entries ranting and raving about her? No. I still have nothing to hide. If i honestly hate her, and need to write that, she's welcome to read it and feel that pain if she so desires it. How many times must I reiterate that i hide nothing in my journal. In day to day operations of life, I'm learning the neccesity of hiding...but not here. Never here. never.

I took her off my friends list so i wouldn't see her posts and be reminded of her, think about her, hope about her, dream about her, and read words between her lines that don't exist.

I took her off my IM buddy list. So she can't contact me? No. I didn't block her. I just don't want to know when she is online. I don't need the opportunity to touch her hanging so low over my head, because i know i won't be able to overcome the urge to contact her, talk to her, weedle myself back into her good graces and work on getting her to love me. I can't force her to love me. I can't trick her to love me. I don't even know is she *ought* to love me. Yet i still want her to love me, as painful as that love will end up being...as painful as I KNOW it would end. I can't have her so readily available so as to facilitate the continuation of this one sided love and the attempts to even the scale. If she contacts me...

then she contacts me. She will be quickly led to understanding all of this, if she doesn't read it here. She will quickly learn and it will probably hurt her.

I don't want to hurt her. I know i've already hurt her. Why continue that?

I deleted all our chat logs. There's too many times that I want and will want to reread our converstaions. Too many times that I want, and will want, ammunition to use in my defense and to fuel my love for her.

I haven't yet gathered the strength to delete all her photos from my computer or burn the pictures I took on my visit. I know that I need to...but i can't. I have resolved to not open them or look at them however. Maybe I'll burn them to disc and stash them away somewhere, along with all the other reminders I've already stashed--the photos, the necklace, the sponge, the "tin sheet" posters, the little lights and letters and quotes...These tangible things I cannot, and WILL not discard. It would be an abomination of what feelings she DOES and DID have. It would be a spiteful stake through her heart, knowst to her or not...and I am not spiteful.

Sorry...yes. I am sorry for so many things; words said and written, carresses, simple jokes at her expense meant only to amuse her, kisses, looks, thoughts, hopes, and dreams. I am sorry for my dysfunctional brutal truths, my lack of subtlety, and my lack of experience in love and relationships.

So I set her free. I sent her "the email" saying i need to leave off for a while. Call it another sabatical. Call it running away from my problerms again -- something I have perfected in my life. Call it whatever it should be or could be called...it is my only choice. I need to go through those five famous stages of loss before i can gain what she wants -- contact. I need to start again with her if we're to have anything at all. I have to forget her smile, the smell of her hair, her car, photography, her duct tape halloween dress. Maybe not forget...i don't know that total forgetfulness is even possible, necessary, or even warranted. I need to set it all aside.

I have learned oh so much about myself and my shortcomings from all of this. I have learned that all these years, when i had it all figured out...the fact is I had it all wrong, that i didn't have a single thing figured out. I used to think I was just old fashioned, that old fashioned was good, that my views on love and how to be in love, express love, wait for and search for love...before all this I thought i was going about it the right way and everyone else was wrong. 

The reality is that I am the backwards one. The reality is that I am the one in need of help and experience in how to love. Pining away over this woman is no way to get help or experience. I need to stop obsessing over love, stop just *expecting* it to work out perfectly irregardless of my own actions...stop expecting Anything.

A leads to B leads to C leads to D. She told me this once, in regards to her history of growth and development, and particually about love. She said she didn't know what I was...and i thought that surely I wasn't A. I hoped that I was D, but couldn't allow myself to really believe that was true. I should have listened to that instinct.

I thought that she was my D. Looking back at this so short failed experience, i realize she was never my D. She was, and is, my C. Rebecca was A. Christa was B. Katrina was C. Girl X will be D. But...will it stop at D? How many times must i think I'm in love before it's reciprocated in the way i want it to be? Will it ever be reciprocated? My heart says of course. My mind has doubts.

Pain. Pain over loss. This is what i need to be feeling right now. This is how I move onwards and upwards. Pain. I've always hated pain, physical or emotional. Right now...right now I embrace it. 

current mood:  contemplative
current music: Rush _Presto_ 
 

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