| Monday, November 11th, 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8:46p - The shortest four day weekend ever These last four days have sapped my soul. I don't feel at all rested. Work tomorrow. bleah. Worked onmy Advanced Diver certification saturday and sunday. I really didn't want to dive this weekend, but i have to knock out these training dives so...Saturday was a total (and miserable) waste of time due to the total incompetancy of two of the people in our group. Sunday was much better but i still feel robbed of the opportunity to relax. Today was a bit of a break but I still feel...i don't know, on an edge? I caved today and visited her journal. That certainly didn't help me at all. I'm still all tossed about by how the last few weeks have played out. The one benefit from this weekend was that i was so distracted most of the time that i never thought much about it... and then i go and remind myself. stupid stupid stupid. she never replied to my "goodbye for now". I've got a lot of mixed feelings about that. I'm glad because i know that, in the long run of my sanity, it's better. It gives me something to get angry about. It helps me distance myself by my misplaced affections. It allows me to really think about my feelings for her, to see myself in her world. Her not replying allows me to further thoughts about how wrong it all was, how it's better I went and saw that side of her. How I need to understand she couldn't be the "true love" of my life... the "true love" of my life wouldn't allow herself to be bogged down and to say "wait". The "true love" of my life would not have encouraged my visit, knowing the way I am, with the conflicted feelings and trauma she had about Love. The "true love" of my life would not have sent me mixed signals. The "true love" of my life would have allowed herself to at least want to love me back, despite whatever signals she was getting from her past or her body or any of it. the "true love" of my life would work a lot fucking harder to make it work. I know it isn't all about her. A good deal of it is about me. I read some things in her that I shouldn't have. I read some things in her words that i wanted to read; things that weren't necessarily there. But then...all i can process right now are her actions...it makes me feel like a mean, blackened crust of a person, but there it is... we kissed, passionately, lovingly, eagerly...in ways i couldn't see as pure lust. we held hands. we did the whole star-crossed-lovers-look-into-each-other's-eye-late-at-night, holding each other in bed. I felt a connection with her those first two days... It's those first two days that tear me up. It all seemed to be right...everything fairytail-ish. If it wasn't for those tender moments we had it would be so much easier for me to swear her off like a bad habit. But I can't. My heart still loves her, even as my mind screams obscenities at me. My heart wants those tender moments back. My head knows it won't ever be that way again. I keep holding those first two days up on a pedestal. What i need to do is comprehend that it could have been nothing more than pent up sexual energy in her...a pure product of going without for so long for her. I've never really had that tenderness before...I'm not a prude--it wasn't the time I have made out before...but never like that. never with the love. I'm sure she, on the other hand, has. My heart wants to defend her, cradle her actions, protect her from the viscious attacks my head wants to levy at her. My heart wants to see things from her perspective, and it's trying to, but my mind just sees too many holes...my mind sees a women unable to believe in anything enough to fight for it. My mind sees a women unable to sacrifice. My mind sees a women unable to comitt to anything, be it in love or in life. My mind sees a women who has to have everything her way. My heart whispers to the inferno of my thoughts that she is young, and hurt, and lacks the strength of conviction I have. My heart whispers that she is going through a hard time and needs to be understood. My heart whispers that i forced too much on her at once, and at such a bad time. It whispers even more quietly that she can't love me right now, and can't explore any feelings she might have while I'm so far away. My mind answers me back. It calls my heart a fool. It screams that if she wanted my love as much as she said than she would FIND the strength. It screams that it is time for her to make a stand and decide just what it is she really wants. It forces my heart to the floor and roars that I have made my feelings known, and if I can feel this way from afar, she can. If she couldn't want to love you as you slept beside her, she never will. There will always be an excuse. There is only so much you can throw away of yourself, so many doors you can close to be with her...You have your life too, it says. You have your dreams too, it says. You have nothing left to say, nothing left to do, no more to give. My mind tells me that if she can't try with everything I've said, done, or given...she's not worth pursuing any further. My heart understands all this. It knows it is only a matter of time before that part of itself I've given her dies of neglect. As it always has in the past, my mind will win. current mood: sad
I am not sure how much longer this flight is. Something akin to 4 hours i believe...could be 3, could be 5. I've crossed the Pacific enough times by now (by my count, this is number ten!) to know it's usually @ 10-11 hours... It's been many years since my destination contained anything unfathomable...and this time, it's about as obscurred a proposition could be. Just a little thing called love... The time draws night to touch her, kiss her, hold her in my arms...or not? Could it be that, in real life, face to face for the first time, there is nothing of the bond we've shared through our computer dreamland? When I see her, waiting there at LAX, will my heart soar, fail, or sink? Will my shallow self see her as completely unattractive and undesireable...and worse than that, override my heart? Pictures only show so much. It shouldn't matter at all what she looks like...but it does. I am not strong enough to see through my perception of physical beauty i think. Yet should it be so, will i have the courage to at least try? Or will i fail completely? The selfish me does not for a moment (or should it be ego?) think she would ever have the same hang up. She is my better in various ways, after all. We both have been searching for this mystical fairytail love in our own ways...each of us convinced we were open to it, ready even, when the reality was nowhere near that. Lately, both of us have lost just about all hope however...and then this. I cannot truly imagine this should fail. Simple as that
31 October 2002
I wish I had not come...but it was something that had to be. This pain is neccessary -- it's a result of everything I've learned about life, love, and myself in these last past twelve days. I love her, I want her, I miss her. "How I wish...how i wish you were here...We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl...year after year" PF -- her favorite song. My heart holds onto a sliver of hope that my mind is trying to crush. I suppose it doesn't really matter which wins...it's up to her now if she ever wants to try in earnest. So many hours spent awake, watching her sleep, wanting to hold her, smell her, kiss every inch of her oh so inviting body...And i thought then that time, those moments, were forever. Now they're gone, maybe forever denied me again. But I already cried all my tears.
2 November 2002
The entire trip i think i averaged maybe 4 hours of sleep each night. Even still, every day, when i saw her eyes open and her morning smile, it was if i had slept a year...all the restless hours spent gazing upon her slumbering form gone. The strength of my love has never faltered. If anything, it has grown. My joy is laced with pain, however. My patience is tested, and it will continue to be tested for the next several months. If i had a god, I would pray to it that she might kiss me again one day.
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