http://www.oocities.org/rainingvodka/Oki_pix/

Last night i hurt/scarred myself...physically...on purpose, as a result of the latest development in this "saga". I think it shocked my body into shutting my heart up...at least for today. I was plenty busy today during and after work so that helped things as well. Right now I feel the most...calm...i have felt for quite some time...
I've created so many fantasies and "missed opportunity" dreams in my life that i think this is actually beginning to slip away in the same fashion...my woobie perhaps?

Tonight I was a friend...and just being someone's friend can be a reward in and of itself...forget my own troubles for a while and just listen to another's...because that's all most us really need, yes? just someone to listen. 

Tomorrow is a brand new day however. 

current mood:  calm
current music: Tori _Scarlet's Walk_ 
 

 
12:02p - Funny that 
So my heart's rolled over for a bit and aquiesced to my brain. Funny thing is...all of a sudden, my brain doesn't have anything to say.

Every time i try to think through something on the matter, my head train wrecks in upon itself and splinters into so many tangents i can't identify a single thought to pursue. 

I try and try and all I get is total and completely useless confused stares from the mirror.
example:

< think >
"But i said this and she did that but what if what i said was a bit beyond what she was comfortable with and she really wanted to do that but if i hadn't said this i'd never understand this other thing but then did i hurt her or make her uncomfortable to the point where she gave up or am i just "that way" or should i have done this other thing or did i really even WANT to do this but my self defense mechanisms secretly wanted to trash this whole thing so it made me want that then, or is it that my mechanisms have only kicked in after I've left and I'm killing what would be a good thing if i could just have left it to breathe but do i love her still or did i ever or did i just want to but wouldn't that mean i've never even been CLOSE to love since this was so strong or or or or or..."
< /think >
< wirrr, spark, spittle...crash >
< reboot >

wha? Did anyone get the license plate of that train?

I have no idea what I shoud do (or not do), think (or not think), or say (or not say). I don't know whether or not i could have done anything differently or better or what. I don't know if I need to change anything i haven't already discerned as a fault. I don't understand...anything. Not a thing. nothing. The depths of my complete and utter NOT understanding...i can't find words. I can't even find where to begin to unravel any of it. I don't even know if I killed it or just wounded it. 
(comment on this)

 
5:27p 
(ed note: There used to be a very wrong and hateful entry here. I was having a very bad go of it at the time i wrote it. I said things that should not be said in such a public forum...things that would seriously hurt someone i cared about...whether or not i deserved to care about her... So I have deleted it) 
 

 
8:54p - How many times in my life will I say "THE END" 
My last posts sparked activity. OK.

She was honest with me. She gave me some reasons. Honestly i don;t think her reasons add up to her actions (especially considering how much of a prelude to my pysche she had) but we all add differently when it comes to our emotions don't we? 

The bottom line though is that she was finally honest with me...at least in her "saying goodbye" email. Have I been juvenile and unwilling to mature? Probably. I never had an adolescence when it came to matters of the heart but that's not her fault.

Will we ever try to work it out? I would like to think so...but seeing as how she doesn't even want me as a friend anymore (took me off HER LJ list) I find it highly unlikley.

I feel so relieved that it's played out...so why am I suddenly crying?

Maybe because, deep down, i hoped we could reconcile. 

Yeah...sure looks like that is possible

Who is to blame? Me, her, both of us, more her, more me, equally? God like i would EVER fucking know now. 

i could probably think of more to say but i can't think enough right now. Tears are healthy...right? 

current mood:  crushed
current music: Less than Jake _Borders and Boundaries_  

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