3:53a - K 
I can't tell for sure if it's all the alcohol weaning it's way out of my brain / blood / body, or the jumble of thoughts I have over her and me. Most likely it's a combination of the two...

I can't sleep. I woke up about an hour ago and every time i close my eyes my heart begins to race, my stomach turns into knots, and for every second I manage to lay still...

i don't know.

There are so many things i wish i could change...i wish i could just hit rewind and relive the last month of my life -- make all the right decisions instead of all the wrong ones. 

I thought long and hard before hiting < post > with my first entry tonight. I knew i wasn't being very fair to say those things in a forum she couldn't help but read. I knew that it would hurt her and I knew that it would (irrevocably) shatter...everything...but i did post it...because i thought I HAD to shatter everything, for once and for all...so that I can move on. 

Now I'm not so sure...and I don't know if it's because I'm weak and unable to make a neccessary break from her and everything, or because I'm just wrong to think i have to shatter it. 

Your hatred has freed me.

and now all i want is to re-capture her

I should have tried harder to bear my feelings inside me. I should have spit them out in a paper journal. I should have been a better person, a better listener, a better friend. So many many things that I SHOULD have done. SO many many things that I should NOT have done: I never ever ever should have looked through the drawers in her closet. I never should have given in to temptation and made jokes at her expense. I never should have told her i wanted to be friends when i didn't know if i really wanted to. I never should have allowed her to convince me i didn't need to stay at a hotel. 

Do i regret how it turned out? Yes. I can't stand regret--i've always felt regret is nothing but a stumbling block to progression and growth...

yet i still regret. I had something so beautiful...

and now it's gone. 

she thought her truth would make me hate myself. I figured it couldn't possibly make me any more hurt than I already was. She, of course, was right. I, of course, was wrong.

"I hate myself and want to die" KC 

but i won't. i suppose that's the second thing on my list of things I want but cannot have... 

current mood:  indescribable
current music: David Arkenstone _Eternal Champion_ 

8:19 pm. Two more revelations

1) I'm an asshole most of the time
I crack jokes at the expense of others...the touchier the subject, the more i push the issue. I am constantly pushing the boundaries and feeling people out this way. I have little to no concern with the feelings or desires of others. I almost never put others needs above my own...even when i do it's usually because I am backed into a corner and have no other choice.

I think that I'm such a wonderful person and that everyone enjoys my company. I never stop to think that maybe people Don'T. I don't have many friends and i've always said it's because it takes a lot of me to MAKE friends. Never stopped to think the real reason imight be because people don't WANT to be my friend. When people act out their dislike for me, I get angry and i never stopped to really consider why.

I whine and go on and on about how things are so terrible, about how I've been hurt, about all this and all that...and i do it here, where I will get sympathetic responses. When i get comments I don't like because they're not sympathetic...i feel wronged.

I am selfish as all hell. It's always what i want. When it looks like I can't have what I want, i piss all over it and everyone around involved.

2) I have never really loved her.
If i did how could i have honestly done what I've done? How could i force myself on her, go through her private posessions, crack jokes about her weight (see #1) ... and thinking about it, I don't think that I ever once during my visit really stopped and considered her feelings. I took selfishness to new levels. Last night I blasted her, called her names, and pretty much said everything i could think of that might hurt her.

and then i tried to take it all back and say i never wanted to hurt her. I tried to put as much blame on her as i thought that I safely could. I called my actions a result of my mood swings as of late. While it's true I HAVE had some serious mood swings in the weeks since I returned to Oki...i can't place the entire blame of my actions on that.

Now that she's gone I want her back...even knowing that I have no right to ever get her back or even hear from her again. I expect that she is such a good person that she will give me another chance. I have no right to even want her to give me that chance, let alone expect it.

She made me feel good about myself. She made me feel more alive and happier than I've ever been. Yes...that's a key component to loving someone...but i never gave her anything in return. I never put her needs before my own. I whined about sacrificing everything I could to be with her...but who am I kidding? I didn't sacrifice a god damn thing.

So that's why my trip went so badly. I was so comfortable with her that i didn't "put on my best face" or try to be a better person...i just let myself be the person I really am...

and the person I am is totally unloveable, not to mention very hard to even LIKE.

I got a few concerned talks today about the burn on my hand. I didn't want to talk, but i was forced to by people that honestly care about me. I didn't say much more than "it's a girl problem...don't worry I'm not suicidal. really. I'm ok. can I go now?"

I never deserved to have her in my life. I realize that now. I may never deserve to have her in my life either. I can't take back what I've done to her fragile heart, and there's no way i could ever repair the damage i caused.

All i want to do is make things better for her...but I doubt my capability to do so. I need to just let her go her own way and hopefully find someone that will treat her right. I need to go my own way and work on being a better person. 

Current mood:  nauseated.
Current music: Less tha Jake _Borders and Boundaries. 

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