Part of it is realization of just what i've done to her and why...about my own personal fallacies as a human...Part of it is understanding how much i've hurt her. I don't hate myself anymore...i just hate what i've done.

someone posted anonymously and gave me a pysche diagnostic. While i don't really think it's always applied...i can certainly see why the person diagnosed me as such. My recent actions fit that profile (with a few exceptions...i never believed in power, wealth, or fame over personal character and substance, for example). When i initially began my journal...part of it was for the thrill of being a voyeur. Part of it WAS for attention. Part of it WAS because i thought i was unique and the cosmos cared about me. But that was a long, long time ago. I'm considering going offline because i can see where i still carry a little of that inside me. 
On the flip side of the coin...i crossed over to LJ last year so i could meet new people and share myself with them...get help, advice, and comfort where needed. And I have met new people that DO care for me as much as one can care for someone who is basically a stranger.

i'm not sure i can get the right words out about this...please bear with me...I'm trying. it's hard.

Those of you that care...thank you. You lend to me what i first hoped for so very long ago...friendship. When i have time to sit and write as opposed to sitting down with someone in person...i can usually be a pretty decent chap.

I bare my pysche to the world here. I feel more comfortable doing it here than with people in real life...because in real life i get tongue tied. My brain can't work fast enough. That's part of the problem with being reclusively. I don't know if that will ever change...

Last night i wrote those two revelations. I think some of my words came out of self pity and self hatred. Did it hurt anyone though?

So anyway... i am going on. The next time i think i love someone, I'm not going to blurt it out. I'm going to go slow, work on being her friend before i drop that bomb on her. Make sure I don't act as selfishly as I did with K...make sure i don't expect too much too soon.

I've gotten really wound up on what happened between us, what I did wrong, what i should of and should not have done. While that was useful in helping me understand myself and what i need to concentrate on resolving for the future...i need to leave the past be. I can't change it. No amount of recollection and agonizing over it will change it. I can be hurt. I can have my pain...

But i need to work on *now*. "It makes more sense to live in the present tense." 

I took a long walk because i couldn't sleep. I left my room around 0130 and got back just before dawn. I got the new Pearl Jam cd today and listened to the entire thing the first time out on a drive. Lots of time spent thinking outside this journal. It was a good idea to do so.

I hurt her. I screwed up something beautiful because i wanted too much, too fast, ignored her signals, acted out of my selfish desires, and was just all around a cruddy person. 

OK. Now it's time to take all that and go on with my life. No more feeling beleagured over what I cannot change. If she wants to accept me back into her life at some point...i'll go. I'll go gladly. But i won't continue on thinking that I NEED her, or that I HAVE to get her back. It's out of my hands for now. 

Someday I will get another chance to try to love someone, and be loved in return. What I need to do is take what i've learned and apply it...be someone that CAN be loved, and put HER above my own wants...and if it goes badly because I STILL am not able to do so...realize from the beginning that it is my fault. Not blame her, hurt her, or require outside attacks from her friends to just let her go.

I'm letting her go. I keep saying I am letting her go. This time I mean to actually do it. I never let her breathe.

I don't want your pity. I don't feel special. I don't feel like I don't deserve whatever comes my way because of this. I am not trying to garnish sympathy or paint it so I come out roses. 

I'm just speaking my mind.

Getting back to this journal...if you come back her and it's gone...it's not a cry for help...it's just one option I'm considering to prove to myself that I am not narcissistic and need attention. 

current music: Pearl Jam _Riot Act_  
 

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