There is no meaning to life. It's the journey that matters, and life is best lived in the present...not the future, and certainly not the past. The girl I seek...she is rare. She is so rare that when I meet someone...I twist reality to make her fit my ideals. Katrina doesn't fit those ideals...her silence tells me that. I don't think I will ever hear from her again...and that's OK... At this point I think it would be too much effort for too little result. Sometimes we just don't get closure...and that's part of life.

Some day I will meet someone again...and I will go slow, and I will let my eyes open to reality before giving my emotions to voice. And chances are, that someone will not fit all of my ideals...and that's OK. I don't want to live my life thinking Love is the meaning. I don't want to live my life twisting reality to my liking. I can fall in love with someone who is not perfect. No-one is perfect. I can have my ideal soulmate in my head...I can have my perfect "one" in my head...but i cannot give up on Love when the woman I am with does not meet my ideals...I cannot give up on love because she does not meet my fairytale visions. That said...have I completely given up on Katrina? No. I don't know that I will ever *completely* give up on Katrina...and again...that's just part of life. 

current mood:  relaxed
current music: Pearl Jam _Riot Act_ 

 
4:52p 
So as I was leaving the office this afternoon, I got ragged on for smiling and looking happy.

what the fuck do you know. I was smiling and looking happy, and didn't even realize it...just like I used to do.

that's just fucking awesome. 

current mood:  impressed
current music: Sheila Divine "back to the cradle" 
 

:(

What really is getting to me right as this moment is how stupid I fucking was. Stupid to believe she cared about me even close to how much I cared about her. Stupid to believe that her allowing me to fly half way around the world, sleep in her bed, and kiss her were signs she cared about me on a deep and meaningful level. Stupid that that thought green lighted me to believe there was more there between us then there really was and to proceed as if we were in Love and I could live that whole "two people, one life" mentality for the two weeks I was there with her. Stupid to believe the fallout affected her even half as much as it has affected me. Stupid to believe that admitting I was soley to blame (of which I now doubt...it was to a large degree me...but it was not ALL me...) and that I'm sorry, and that I'm going to therapy to ensure I won't make those mistakes again, with ANYONE...stupid to believe that could change anything... Stupid to believe she wants to keep me in her life, to give me access to her thoughtsl and to interact with on a meaningful level. Stupid to believe I had finally made a real connection with someone. Stupid to believe that it's hard for her to just leave me and my pain to the fucking dogs...Stupid to believe that my pain means anything to her. Stupid to believe she wants to do anything to help me regain my happiness. Stupid to believe that how I feel about her makes any difference at fucking all. Stupid to think I still love her...even though I barely know her and even through the pain her silence causes me. 

stupid to believe i meant enough to her that she would fight this battle of coming back into my life, instead of running away.

stupid to fucking hope I will ever hear from her again.

stupid to hope for anything in regards to her.

stupid to not just give up and accept that I don't mean *anything* to her anymore. 

just stupid. so very fucking stupid, about everything.

I am so fucking angry at myself right now. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't have possibly seen how stupid I was...I was blinded by my fantasy of perfection and my dreams of making it work...but it doesn't help.

On the one hand, I want to have never met her. I want to get selective amnesia about her. I want to be not be reminded by the simple act of blowing out a candle before going to bed. I want to not feel these pangs of pain that make me smoke like a chimney when they hit. On the other hand, I know that won't happen. I know that I will feel this trauma for a long time. The only thing I have gained from this are lessons and growth...which I know was necessary...but it is such small consolation...it does nothing for me. 

and the worst part is knowing I would take her back in an instant given the chance. That's the worst part because I know that's stupid too if I really mean so little to her...

God I just pray that she isn't in the HOSPITAL or something right now. I hope she's happy. I hope she's healthy. I hope she knows the joy of good friends and feels loved by them. God I hope just so many things...but please God...just let me wake up from this fucking nightmare of emotional existance. 

I miss her so bad it physically hurts right now. GODAMNIT

I'm so sick of being lonely, of being alone, of being here in Okinawa, of not having a shoulder to cry on, of having no-one but my therapist to talk to about all this with face to face. I'm so sick of all these unresolved issues. I'm so sick of being happy for only hours at a time. I'm so sick of going to bed at 10PM and not falling asleep until 12:30AM. 

damnit! why can't she just fucking tell me anything...why can't she just say goodbye to me if that's the case? Why can't she at least tell me she needs more time if that's the case?

I want to put myself in her shoes...but i can't do it with what I have to go on. I look at what's happened between us and I can't find any reasons why she's dragging this out so long...but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I can't stop caring about her.

If I could just hate her like i did on nov 14th...when I was so drunk the only thing that kept me from killing myself was anger, and hate, and attacking her with it. If I could just hate her without lashing out, i might be able to resolve this on my own easier. But I can't do it. I just can't bring myself to hate her. I can't hate her silence. I can't even *hate* myself...just be extremely pissed off. The wound on my hand has healed...but it will forever leave a scar, and I will always remember this period of my life...just as I can vividly recall the circumstances surrounding the two scars next to it. If only I could feel the way I did those OTHER two times...it was just so much fucking easier then.

fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

current mood:  angry
current music: Sheila Devine _the swan_  
 

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