| Wednesday, January 15th, 2003
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11:23a - Humanity As if i haven't seen enough proof through history and my own life...these past several months have shown me again just how fucked up humans are. We can take something that seems so perfect, and in one fell swoop, denounce it for the fantasy it really is. We blame ourselves when we are not to blame. We blame others when we are to blame. We blame nothing when everything is to blame. We blame everything when nothing is to blame. We blame (period) We refuse to admit when the fantasy is exposed. We refute what is clearly reality. We hurt ourselves and those around us trying to piece the dream back together with lies and greed. We torture ourselves with delusion and we are so cowardly that even when it would save weeks or even months of suffering...we can't say "goodbye", only because it's easier not to...it's easier to just ignore the elephant in the refridgerator and hope it goes away of it's own accord. We put all of our eggs in one basket, and then, when the bulldozer squahses them, we whine about how we were deceived into a false sense of security. We open our hearts, trusting blindly, despite constant signs warning us off. We refuse to move on because our pain is the only thing we have left to tie us to our love... and there's more...there's always more...but this is all I can get into words right now. I'm doing better than I was last night. I suppose that's not saying a whole lot...but every step taken is one step closer to...the rest of my life. It hurts. It's going to hurt for a long time I think...but "it's an art to live with pain" PJ. Mistakes were made. Lessons were learned. I did everything I could to try to rectify my failings...i gave her as much time to think as I could. Now I just have to let it all go. I have to forgive myself. It's not an easy task...but it's something I must do before I can move on. If I continue to beat myself up over this, I'll never be happy. So if you see me hitching along side the road...don't worry...it's a journey I need to make. If you see me stumble or you see me fall...don't worry...it's all part of the process. it's all part of life. current mood: reflective (like a mirror! yeah baby!)
I woke up this morning feeling not only better physically, but emotionaly as well. I think yesterday constituted the worst of the cold like withdrawal symptoms...And I realized at some point this morning that you know what...who cares who the bad one was...or if there even WAS one? Not everything in life works out the way we want. Neither of us *intentionally* hurt the other...but we're just not suited for each other. We're two different people, with two different agendas, and two different ways of handling conflict and our emotions. For all of our similarities, the differences seemed buried... Life is all about learning, and the most worthwhile topic, by far, is people. As a very wise man once said to me, "everywhere you go...it's all the same. The only thing that ever changes are the people you surround yourself with." Some people just don't fit together. I've already said that here. I've already said A LOT of things here that I have forgotten by and by...I wanted this so much I didn't want to admit, truly admit, that it just wasn't the right girl...and that when it's over, it's over. In any case...with my goodbye to her, I left the door open for discussion. If there's anything she ever wants to say to me or ask of me...I told her I'm here for that. I honestly don't expect she will take that offer...and to be truthful, i made the offer more for myself...so i won't torture myself believing that maybe she wanted, even needed, to talk, but felt that she couldn't. so i won't torture myself believing i could have helped her somehow but blocked that avenue for her. I will fight to not torture myself about any of it any more. We're not in love. We're not friends. We will most likely never see each other again...and that is OK. Losing people is part of life. Why it happens is immaterial really...as long as there is no malicious intent... Why is mostly immaterial...in every case. The best things in life don't come with reasons...why does the waterfall inspire us with beauty? Why do we like certain songs and not others? Why do we love one person and not another? Why do things crumble around us when we do everything we can to save them? Pointless questions. Thank you banzooken for telling me that...It's something I should know by now. "Why" is a trap that I have found myself in too many times and for too long. "Why ask Why?" ("Try Bud Dry") lol banzooken was right about something else she said to me...despite my endless journalling...I have an incredible naiveté to the world around me. This whole "why" thing is just a part of that. Love is part of that. Senses of Purpose is part of that. It is also naive to think I ever fully *knew* myself. I knew myself more than many perhaps...but we're continually evolving through life. We change a little bit everyday...and stuck in our own minds and bodies, we don't see it. It is our friends that see it. It is the people we care about that help us to know ourselves. Case in point...I've lost ten pounds since I got back to okinawa. I never realized it. I had a few people comment to me about how i looked a little slimmer...but kind of just shrugged it off. Friday night, when i went back to the gym for the first time in ages, I stepped on the scale and realized... "Wow, I said...that kind of sucks...I think..." See...weirdness here...I'm trying to put weight ON...I think...cuz I'll lose weight on the trail. Laws of physics...I will be moving so much i won't get the necessary calories to keep bodyfat. So...in an attempt to not become an emancipated little man, with muscles all gone because my body used muscle tissue for fuel (that happens when you run out of glucose and fat...) it's better to throw some extra poundage on. And really...that sucks...because I have a lot of training to do to get myself ready for the trail...I'm gonna have to just absolutely PIG OUT the next few months. God...i guess this could be a dream situation for some people. Lol. It's just...it's gonna get expensive! Lol So I slept in again this morning, just cause i thought it a good idea not to push my strained body with PT this morning (well...and i wanted some extra sleep after last nights self pity self loathing debacle). Gave a quick briefing at 9AM for a mission, did a few small things, and came home around 10:45AM...and that was my workday. not even two hours. gotta love that kind of freedom. being on salary is kick ass for me where I'm at. the amount of money I make for the amount of actual *effort* i have to put into my office...it's almost a crime in and of itself ("I invoke my right to remain silent. I want to talk to a lawyer"). I only get away with it because my overseers know I do what needs to get done and don't fuck around when the shit hits the fan...and well...because they know I have issues right now and I'm on STA (Short timers attitude...16 more weeks babbbeee!). I'm of the opinion that...if there's nothing to be done, why sit on my ass at work doing nothing? It's quite nice to run your own office and have that freedom... ok...shit...sorry. that must sound like I'm gloating. I just wanted to paint the picture of what I am gonna give up when I leave here...and how...if they DO stop me from going home...i think I'll be able to live with it... yes...you heard it...I am now stable enough to not go pyscho or suicidal if I get stop lossed. See...I look at it this way...if that happens...well fuck i can't change it...and it will make me 100% debt free by the time I DO go home...so... I had wonderful chat sessions at home with taliana who is wonderful at reminding me of things I forget, things I know and things about myself, oddharmonic, who supplied me with some very nice pictures ;), and even a dabble of sadgirlseven, who is always a delight. You all have been really good friends. I appreciate all of you (and that extends to all of you i know reading this too, not just those three). and then I went to my appointment with Dr. Young. I was a little nervous to tell him what had happened with the woman...he had also advised me to stop all contact with her...but you know what? He was happy for me. He said that was a big step for me, and that leaving the door open (even if I had to leave a second IM to do it) was the right thing to do. He said it was a big step, I'm sure, because it meant I was letting go to my fantasy...finally. I was at last accepting there is nothing I can do, and that it was over, and everything all of us already know about me and it. I also mentioned my new dietary and exercise regimen, and that I'm still not smoking. He congratulated me on that...i quipped that hell...if I could quit smoking under my current condition..well hell, I could do just about anything...and that, really...fighting off cravings for cigarettes is the same thing as fighting off thoughts about "why" it didn't work with the woman...if i can do one, why not the other? I mean...it's not as if I need the approval of my therapist to make me feel good...but it DID make me feel good to hear that from him nonetheless. After the session I went to the Post Exchange and treated myself to lots of good stuff...i've read somewhere that when you've broken up with someone...it's a good idea to be treat yourself a lot...so yeah...I got a couple movies, some computer stuff, and some CDs...(this Wilco one, the Live AC/DC album, and the new U2 greatest hits album...I've been listening to U2 a lot lately...it's good feel good music...i get that part now jentwo...which reminds me to ask you for some U2 mix discs...please?) I met up with D who had left work early and we ran around doing errands and settled in at his place to eat Popeyes we had picked up and to watch _Undercover Brother_...we actually BOTH bought that one. Lol. Great movie. funny as fook. Then I drove him to pick up some things he needed. Poor guy had been driving all day just about so he asked me to please take him...since i didn't have too much else to do tonight, and I really wanted to spend time in the company of friends (and particually, him...my best friend here), i gladly agreed... Right after that I hit the gym...stairclimber, legs, biceps. Hmmmm. good to feel the blood pumping...even if i did get a bit of a headache...my brain is still not accustomed to niccotine free blood up in there. Lol. And now...now I'm home...sitting here...burning a candle next to the monitor...the only light in my room besides the glow of the screen. Listening to my new CDs...and just...being. Being content, settled, solid. Being happy. yes...today was a very good day to be alive. Nothing really that significant. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Yet I plan to mark today and remember it. Today marks the beginning of that final stretch to recovery. < /marathon entry > current mood: content
taliana
I fall into the 'why' trap as well. I need to work on that. *hugs*
*hugs* yay!
utter_nonsense
rainingvodka
i was just naive to think I could somehow avoid it.
I can say that about almost every hetero relationship I've ever been in, including my best friend (why do you think I'm not married to him? although if he and the wife broke up, I'd like to keep them both in my closet, heh). With girls it's just always been bad timing -- one was in ROTC, another was preparing to move several states away, etc.. I have overall bad mojo for sustaining long-term relationships, it seems, but hey, in this one I've almost got him trained to behave in public and he keeps me happy. Even surprises me once in awhile, so I really can't complain... except that he needs a vagina. I have an incredible naivete to the world around me. ...And I like that, because I'm a horribly jaded fuck. You cheer me up and inspire me to take silly pictures of things outside... speaking of which, I need to share with you the cute pictures I took of one of our under-house cats. I caught it sunning outside the other day and then it stayed in the opening to go under the house and just eyed me while I went gonzo with the optical zoom. (: So...in an attempt to not become an emancipated little man, with muscles all gone because my body used muscle tissue for fuel (that happens when you run out of glucose and fat...) it's better to throw some extra poundage on. You meant emaciated, right? *giggles* That was unintentionally adorably funny. I used to look like an emaciated little woman at the end of every summer. Ah, but for the freedom to spend every weekend (and any other day off) on rock. I gained extra weight while pregnant (I was approx 25 pounds under what's considered the low end of optimal weight for my height/build at the time I conceived the midget) thanks to the goodness of protein shakes. I'll have to ask Mom what brand she got me hooked on, but... yeah. I should get more, because I want to weigh enough to donate blood next time there's a blood drive around here. If you get stop-lossed, I'll volunteer extra pictures to keep your morale up. If Robert gets stop-lossed, I'll just have to kill him because it's my turn, dammit. Heh. (We should start making bets on whether I'll shoot better than he does.)
yeah...but it just sucks you know. it just fucking sucks. i'll leave the thought there, however, lest i regress. I have an incredible naivete to the world around me.
yeah i guess...it's just weird because I never realized I was naive...I
always thought I myself was horribly jaded. Amazing how shit like losing
friends and loves can change your perspective on so many things.
oops. heh. yeah. I'm already working on emancipation aren't I? lol.
freudian slip. freedom to spend every day on rock...that sounds like a
crack whore talking.
but i actually do still have some weight gain/protein drink powder stuff left from when I was actively trying to build mass last year. I guess I'll just start going back on it. and the more pictures the merrier...WAY merrier. if you end up moving back to CO like you've been talking about...I might find out just exactly how long the drive is after all. lol. btw...which service were you planning to try? AF, like Robert?
And yes, Air Force. Do you think I'd be bullheaded like his family
and go Marines (which would eat me alive, and we all know it) or Army?
Heh. I am content to be a desk jockey, and the AF is the best fit for me.
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