I called a co-worker and told him I wasn't going to be at formation this morning. I just had a big ol coffee cup sized cup of green tea. I have no idea if the antioxidants are really helping or not, but i can think it does and positive thinking is always the best thing right?

Yesterday was a farely long day...i managed to keep myself mostly busy though, both at work and at home. I'd been holding onto one last picture of her that I took while I was over there...in hopes we would be friends again and I could look at it and smile again. I had destroyed the negatives a long time ago...

I burned that picture yesterday morning. And it tore me the fuck up...like it was a tangible reminder of how it's all really over. I'm still in shock that it's all come to this...I'm sort of numb mostly. To lose someone that you felt such a magical connection to. She was a soulmate...one of those few people in our lives that you can just instantly click into sync with. When you meet someone like that...you just KNOW it...there's no need to think about it or wonder...it's just THERE. It doesn't have to be a lover or a wife or sexual in any way...just a very good, dear friend. I'm all very confused still how she could just walk away from that...i guess she didn't click with me like I did with her, not on any level. I was apparently never a soul mate for her...I didn't want to say goodbye but i realized that she'd basically already left without telling me...and saying goodbye felt like ripping an arm off without anesthesia.

Time will cauterize this wound. Time will make me feel mostly whole again...but i think I'll always have a place for her in my heart...even after saying goodbye I leave the door just cracked open...just barely enough to let a sliver of sun in. Maybe she'll see that ray of light someday and want to open that door...

and maybe I'll still be there to greet her. I don't know. I don't know if I could ever bear to risk this all happening again with her. We've hurt each other so much this time around...what's to say it wouldn't all play out the same? 

current mood:  numb
current music: Elliott Smith _Roman Candle_ 

greeneyed_devil 
2003-01-13 14:09 
After all the pain you go through over her, even if she comes crawling back begging, I'd shut the door in her face.

 
banzooken 
2003-01-13 15:12 
So, I was driving, in my car, and listening to the radio (actually a rare event, my radio is the King of Crap) and a song I like came on, and naturally I started singing along, as per usual, however this time a feeling of you just struck me really strongly as I listened/sang, and thus I feel the desire to share the song with you.

Thats like the greatest run-on sentence :P

The Song 
 

2:34p 
One kid said he had the key to all my books and he put it in a sentence. He said, "Love may fail but courtesy will prevail." Love does fail all the time, you know, and it makes people vicious.  Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Sigh.

I doubt I get a response to this, i mean fuck...what makes me so special that she or any of her friends come here? Just because one or two of them did once or twice doesn't mean they still do. Fuck...but I have to at least make the effort, just in case...because i think it's my only opportunity: if any of you that know her read this, I'm getting that recording of Toshi Reagan soon and I'd like her to get a copy like I said I would way back when...but i don't dare just send it directly to her or tell her about it myself...If you're out there, feel free to post a response, I'm screening all Non Friends comments for this entry...I suppose that makes me a coward in a way...but acting on my own on this would make me seem like a pyscho that still can't let go.

They made me come home early from work today. They got sick of listening to my hacking cough.

So now I'm back on my lovely theraflu, sitting here in my favorite Sharks sweat pants, brown army undershirt, black army socks, and my wonderfully comfortable blue bathrobe...such a handsome figure I make right now. jeesh.

I'll probably post often tonight. I'm bored. 

current mood:  bored
current music: Tori Amos _Scarlet's Walk_ 

 
2:45p 
btw, that kv quote came from this interview:

Vonnegut at 80 

 
4:14p - Changes 
So I've taken on a lot of difficult changes lately. I stopped drinking over a month ago. I quit smoking a week ago. I stopped drinking coffee a few days ago (i may start drinking small amounts later...the idea is to cut back on caffeine right now and that's where I get most of it...). I said goodbye to the woman in my life (or...rather...not? in my life?).

So...a summary...

Alcohol...haven't had any desire to drink. Don't see why I ought to ever drink again.

Caffeine...I've been sleeping easier. Less stress and jittery hands

Smoking...quitting has fucked my body up. I will feel like utter crap for at least a few more days. Withdrawal also magnified my current emotional turmoil...which leads to

The Girl...I feel good mostly about my decision. I know i didn't give her much of a window to respond sunday night...and hell, maybe she never even got my IMs before I said goodbye...but I'd waited long enough before that night and she had journaled how she'd already walked away from me so...it was more of me replying to her unsaid goodbye i suppose. Everything just built up to a head this weekend and I had to do something for once and for all. I'm not angry at her or bitter...some things just happen other than the way we want or hope. I accept that I myself was a big part of why it fell apart and that she couldn't forgive me. I know she had her own reasons to give up and I will never know the full extent of how this all affected her...I respect her decision based on the fact that she's done what SHE needs to do. As much as I wish she would have given it another chance, i don't fault her.

I'm putting myself through a blender with everything. Once I've got more of a handle of things, I'll naturally begin to feel better and return to a sort of lasting happiness. 

current mood:  contemplative
current music: Elliott Smith _Roman Candle_ 

6:20p - I hate who I was and I hate that I can never make it right... 
I said that I'm not angry at her or hate her...but I do hate that meeting me fucked with her happiness. damnit.

and I do hate that I can't do a fucking thing to make her happy again either.

and I hate to think that she was afraid because of me.

I hate that she has had nightmares because of meeting me.

I hate to dream of what we might have had if I hadn't fucked it all up.

I hate that we didn't work out and how much it fucked with both of us.

I hate that I had to learn my lessons in love through her...because of what it did to her.

I hate that I'm online right now...somehow still hoping she will IM me and say...anything.

I hate that it's over. As much as I needed to say goodbye to end the torture I was putting myself through...I'd continue to endure it if I only knew she'd be my friend again.

I hate that everyone says she's a mean and cold person and that even if she begs, I should not let her back.

I hate that no-one understands that I love her so much I feel like I'm the one who should be begging.

I hate that no-one seems to really understand the whole picture, or to understand just how horrible I really was. I betrayed her trust, I was dishonest to her, I blasphemized her and belittled her emotions and her actions. I told her she had to bleed her heart out to me or I'd never talk to her again. I sent her an email on her *birthday* that belittled her and told her it must be easy for her to break hearts, having "so much practice". I painted her as cupid, as the marytr, the victim, and then turned around and called her the the one to blame, the heartless one. I forced her to forget her own happiness and give me mine. I refused to accept all she wanted was a friendship and continued to act as if we had been a couple for years. I told her when I got home to oki that I couldn't be her friend for a while until i sorted everything out..and then attacked her in public in my journal and through IM when she didn't come back to me saying "please don't go". I did all of that and more that I forgot I'm sure. I hate that none of you saw all of that or still think she was the cold and heartless one. I hate that any of you still see me as a beautiful or wonderful person and won't believe me that I was the one who fucked it up. I hate that I had to destroy the one thing I wanted in order to learn how fucked up I was.

god it feels good to get that out. I really don't deserve her. I don't deserve that she should come back...even if she forgives me somehow...what guarentee is there that I won't just revert to who I was then...that I wasn't just a two faced liar the entire time?

yes. I am human. yes, i make mistakes, and that's just a part of life...but there are consequences for our mistakes. Losing her is the consequence for mine.

let this be a lesson to everyone...you can't trust people on the internet. They paint such a glorious picture of themselves, tell you that they love you, and then, when you meet, they turn into the monster they really are.

No, I know I won't be like this again. That's what I'm in therapy to ensure...

but one time is one time too many.

god damnit.

Katrina, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I can't blame you for anything...not when I was the reason for it all. 

current mood: self-loathing
current music: Elliott Smith _Roman Candle_ 
 

11:18p - Why now? 
damnit. why do I have these thoughts now? now that it's of little consequence. now when the only thing such thoughts bring are utter self hatred and hot tears. now when I can't ever do a god damn thing about them. now when there is no doubt that she will NOT contact me, will NOT resolve any of this...fuck. i said goodbye. she is probably relieved to be free of me...why would she come back? after the way i treated her? after I scared her, gave her nightmares, made her doubt herself? Why do you come back to someone that tells you that he had a mental problem with Love to explain his actions? Why do you come back to someone who, since meeting him, has caused you nothing but pain? Why do you care about a person like that? Why would she still care about me? 

I just can't believe that I could have done what I've done...that I could cause such pain in another person, someone I cared so deeply about. I'm having a very hard time living with myself tonight.

fuck this all fucking sucks. I've spent my life preparing myself to love...then it's on my doorstep and I rush into it so blindly I forgot what love is all about. That was the main reason I deleted my journal a while back, why I wondered if i should continue journaling. I couldn't deal with the fact that the one theme I'd written on so much, for so long, Love...that was the one I would fuck up the most. That made me wonder just what the fuck the point of this thing was...if I can't get right the most important thing is this world after preparing for it this long...it makes every other thing I write about just so much fucking bull shit. How can I place myself in this world or contemplate reality in sporadic entries when I can't successfully Love after constant ones?

fuck fuck fuck. if i could just have one more night to talk with her...just one more chat...just one chance to alleviate her fears or her doubts or her pain. if i could just have that one chance to do something for her...

but i can't. I can't now and I never will. I have to just deal with myself and what's happened. I have to just leave her to the pain I caused her and pray she forgets soon.

god damnit. god fucking damnit. I like to think I'm a good person, but this...I just don't know right now. It takes a lifetime of goodwill to make up for a moment of suffering.

why the fuck did I have to say goodbye. why couldn't I just have kept trying to talk? I said that she gave up...but didn't I give up too? and did she really even give up? god damnit. god god god mother fucking damnit.

i broke two hearts with one stone. imagine that. i wonder who's heals first. i fucking hope it's hers. i'd give her mine if it helped. 

current mood:  depressed
current music: Pearl Jam (various songs) 
 

(comments were dissalowed on original LJ posting)

11:56p - I'm fucked next time 
something just occured to me.

If the next woman I fall in love with is bad to me...I'm fucked. I can't just walk away from my feelings. If I'm ever in a bad marriage...I'm fucked. I can't just walk away from what we had on our wedding day. 

It's always going to be my fault now. Even if it isn't...after this...with every new breakup I have to experience it's always going to feel like MY fault...because I'll never give up first...and I'll never get the closure I'll want from a break-up.

fuck. god damnit. why couldn't I be at least a little fucking heartless when i need to be? Why can't I just see?

I'm not empathic but it does hurt me to cause pain in others.

i always thought I would marry the first woman I fell in love with. always thought everything would be a perfect little life with my soulmate. I always thought I would make the perfect boyfriend...fuck...waking up to reality after this long hurts.

fuck

i'm going to try to sleep again now. 

current mood:  sad
current music: Pearl Jam (various)  

taliana 
2003-01-14 14:41  
Lots to say, but it will have to wait till later.

Chin up... 

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