I took a couple naps yesterday. I had a couple dreams. I was happy in those dreams. In the first I got an email from her...and it was a poem. The whole email was just one poem...and it said everything...eveything that would make things better...In the second dream, we were together again, in person. I don't know if we were lovers or friends...but i felt...whole...

Waking up to reality fucking sucked.

dreams fucking suck.

US Pearl Jam tour dates came out. I can't make it to a single state side concert.

that also fucking sucks.

there's a scheduled power outtage this weekend, from 9am tomorrow to 9am Sunday.

that, too, fucking sucks. 

I had my first beer in over a month and a half a few days ago...and right now I sort of wish for the "alcoholic bliss" I used to cling to...but I understand now how there is no such thing as alcoholic bliss.

again...sucks.

it all just fucking sucks. sucks sucks sucks.

and here I am again...after swearing myself off until my head cleared. ahhh....fuck it.

mother fuck piss shit. I fucking hate that whole "takes a minute to meet someone, a day to love someone, and a lifetime to forget someone." or however the hell it goes. God damnit. Taking a break from the journal isn't going to help me any. 

I envy people that get closure. I ENVY people who have good reasons to hate, or be angry, or have something to take the sting away...and can feel those emotions. As much her silence hurt...i still can't hate her for it...I envy people who have loved and lost and already been through all of this. I envy people that have more than two days of good memories to hold to their hearts for the future. 

I still have gifts she gave me. I hadn't thought of them for a long time, but last night I did. I wonder if she still has the awamori I gave her. I wonder is she listens to the CDs I gave her. I wonder if she is OK, if she is happy. I wonder if she thinks about me and wishes we could make things right too.

I want to stop caring god damnit. Is that so much to ask? Just. stop. caring. 

*sigh* I'll live. it's just a bad couple of days. I have to expect this. With dreams like I had yesterday...I have to expect this to follow.

but it's just fucking wrong...I never remember dreams. why do I have to remember ones that cause so much regression?

Three mother fucking steps forward, and two steps back. 

current mood:  cranky
current music: The Sheila Divine _Where have my Countrymen Gone_ 

 
8:25p - Let me just cry another river 
< pathetic self pity again > Oh, and I'm back in the fucking office right now too. This is the SECOND time today I got something dropped in my fucking lap that had be done right away, right now sergeant vomacka, can't wait a single second.

god damnit. duty sucks too.

and what's worse is I now have to get the judge advocate to review this new packet over the weekend, and he's not going to be happy about that.

mother fuckers.

yeah. today was just all around a really FUCKED up day.

I want to be held. I want to cuddle with a warm body and I want to be inspired by beautiful, compassionate eyes. I want a real hug tonight. I want someone who can heal me with just a smile.

And I want to be loved god damnit.

but i will get nothing. nothing.

< /pathetic self pity again > 

there are a lot of people around the world who would literally kill to bear my burdens instead of their own. All I have is the problem of loving a girl who will never talk to me again, and a bitch rant about what is really a kick ass job (if not for the fact that I can't respect it anymore).

but my pain is still my pain god damnit. and this is still my journal. i will rant about anything I feel like ranting about. I will feel sorry for myself if I feel like it. I will feel unloved, unappreciated, and worthless if I feel like it...

because it's all just temporary. Everything is all just temporary. Life is temporary. Pain is temporary. Heart-break is temporary.

One day I will think of her about as often as I think of Rebecca. I so so so long for that day. 

current mood:  bitchy
current music: Tricky _Angels with Dirty Faces_  
 

oddharmonic 
2003-01-24 22:01 
When you get out, you know where to find me if you need a hug or to be held. Doubt I can help with the eyes or a smile, but one for two isn't bad... 
 

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