2:43a - Awake 
So I can't sleep.

mother fucker.

and then my parents called me an hour ago too to tell me they got a call from one of my credit card companies saying they were concerned recent activity on said card was fraudulent. 

jesus h. christ. You don't use a credit card for a while, and then, all of a sudden, when you do, they think it's because you lost the damn thing. 

*sigh* I'm just annoyed because now I have to call them. have i ever mentioned how much i dislike calling back to the states? And I'm annoyed at my parents for waking me up in the middle of the night...I was JUST about to drift back to sleep when the phone rang.

I can't stand thinking about her...every god damned day....EVERY fucking day...I can't get through a single day without her in my head. I can't believe this. I said goodbye...why does it feel like it's still not over sometimes? I'm fucking bloody pissed she never had the decency to say goodbye to me...but more than that I'm still hurt by it. I still feel like there's some sort of cosmic connection between the two of us or something...like I wonder if her thoughts trigger my spells of depression. I still think about her and her thoughts and how she is doing. I know she'll fare better than me...she's surrounded by friends. She's had love in her life before--she must know she'll find someone to best me. She must know whatever pain I caused will leave soon enough. She must know I'll pass to shadows soon enough...She's probably glad that I said goodbye...

I released her and yet she never released me. How did I fall in love with someone capable of such cruelty? 

it's enough to drive a man to the bloody asylum.

there is no reason that it played out like it did. there is just no god damn reason we couldn't patch things up. there is no god damn reason for anything...i just want to fucking time warp to a time when this won't hurt anymore... 

current mood:  awake
current music: Sheryl Crow _C'mon C'mon_ 

3:05a 
when the FUCK is the scaffolding going to go away dangit! 

jentwo 
2003-01-26 18:57 
It sure has been there a loooong time! =( 

3:18a 
just for the fook of it...
 

banzooken 
2003-01-26 17:15
Pretty, I love snow leopards. 
 

3:26a 
I got a new CD the other day, the Badly Drawn Boy one. I like it. it's a nice change of pace. reminds me of they might be giants, but only because I have never really heard any tmbg and all I have heard reminds me. I'd heard about them (him?) every blue moon or so, and it turns out they (he?) did the soundtrack for _about a boy_ (which, incidently, was based on a novel nick hornby wrote...another book I have to get...i've got _high fidelty_ otw!)

so um...yeah 

oddharmonic 
2003-01-28 17:51
Hm. Now I'll have to listen to Badly Drawn Boy sometime.

You're welcome to borrow any of our TMBG collection -- we own all of their albums except No!, which we just haven't gotten around to getting yet. 
 

3:53a 
 

taliana 
2003-01-26 20:32 
My score is
33/50
what does that mean? 
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 

This is so not me. ;)
 

rainingvodka 
2003-01-26 22:14 
i dunno. sounds accurate enough to me. 

9:09a 
I'm an apparently intelligent, liberal, disgustingly generous, relatively well adjusted human being!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

There are good days, and there are bad days. Sometime (hopefully soon) the good days are going to outnumber the bad days. 

current mood:  contemplative
current music: Duran Duran _Duran Duran (the wedding album) 

Re: That was great... 
rainingvodka 
2003-01-26 19:46 
lovely. :)
 

 
taliana 
2003-01-26 20:26 
Apparently I'm 83% compatible.

an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, seizure-inducingly boring spod.

:(
 
 

rainingvodka 
2003-01-26 22:12 
well fook "them". i don't think you're boring. so "they" can stuff it!
 

oddharmonic 
2003-01-28 17:22 
I'm an apparently intelligent, liberal, tight as fuck, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child!

Funny, I'm only 73% compatible with you, but I wound up 90% compatible with shinju. 
 
 

8:07p - 100 days of solitude 
So tomorrow I roll into double digit days left in the army and then wednesday will make three months exactly left on Okinawa.

I am so sick of being here. I just want to go back to the united states. I thought coming over here would be the opportunity of a lifetime...and it has been...just...it's been too god damn long an opportunity. This island is a beautiful place and there is still a lot to see...but I just don't fucking care anymore.

And it isn't because of the girl. The girl was a wonderful distraction from how much I dislike being here still. The hours and hours we spent in chat were a most welcome relief to the drudgery of my life here...just one more reason why losing her affects me so harshly...

I have always been the sort of person to need a measure of permanence...of solidity. I can't make friends or involve myself if I know how temporary it will be...That's why I've never really tried too hard to meet a woman in the last four years...I find it horribly cruel to instigate a relationship *knowing* you will be leaving soon and never returning. I want to be back in the united states where I can have that measure of permanency again. I need to make new friends to make me happy again...I need to find comfort in true companionship. I want to put aside my pain to help another. I want to put my own quest for happiness on hold so I can help another find his or hers. I'm sick of being alone so often.

today was a pretty crappy day workwise. that's about all I feel like saying. tomorrow doesn't seem to promise much better.

I should be at the gym right now, but I just can't muster the effort. It's cold and windy and rainy outside and I don't want to make the walk. 

I said goodbye two weeks ago...and I'm not sure how much things have improved. I still miss her so much...I still want her back.

I don't want it to have ended...particually not like it did. but I know that it could never be like it was again. I know that she would never feel for me like I feel for her. I know that we could never again have the same level of trust in each other. I know that the timing just fucked both of us over...another year, maybe two...perhaps we would have been perfect together...but now I have to live with the fact that she will never be anything more than a mile stone in my life, never more than a memory.

time. I am always fucked by time. It's never the right time...for anything. god damnit. I am so deathly afraid that will be the story of my life. I am so afraid of dieing alone, forgotten, grown cold in a bed with no-one to hold me or mourn me. I feel like I have not amounted to anything in my life...that i've just pissed everything away. I feel like I have been given so many chances and I've failed every one of them. For nearly my entire adult life, I've had all the decisions...and I've never made the right ones.

I don't know. i just don't know anymore. life is so hard...but life is all I have...life is all any of us have.

I think the secret to life is making other people happy...I've always thought that. Our lives our meaningless to ourselves...it's what we do to and for others that counts for anything. What contribution can I make to anyone if I close myself off and retreat? I built my walls up for so long. I let them down when I met her, and I got burnt for it...

but i can't go and build those walls back up. I have to leave myself open. I'm going to get hurt again. I must acknowledge that very real possibility. But I can't let this one bad experience dictate me. I cannot let this time be my picture of how it always is. I have to keep my spirits up and I have to be good to myself. Now is the time to work on myself and give only what I can spare to others...

and I will not hate myself for not giving enough. i will not curse myself for not being enough. i will not torment myself for not being loved by one person when there are people around the world that DO love me. I AM loved. I DO matter to my friends and my family. I may not have what I *want* waiting for me to return to the united states...but I have what I need. 

and i'll just have to find someone else to want...someone else to love... 

current mood:  tired
current music: Mix disc by christa _just some thoughts_ 

taliana 
2003-01-27 09:38 
glad to hear it, my friend. keep that hope near.
 
 
 
 

oddharmonic 
2003-01-28 17:38 
It gives me a good feeling to make other people happy. Would you like a care package from us? I'm working on one for tinder and dervish right now. It's fun hunting down food they can't get in Japan. (: 
 
 

10:51p - Everquest II 
OK...so I am scared I might get sucked back into playing Everquest...

I saw today that they are releasing an Everquest II. Not an expansion pack...an actual sequal with better graphics and such.

ok...actually. no. I. am. not. going. back. down. that. road. 

yes please, I'd like a slice of MMORPG please...oh, yes, and hold my real life please because i won't be using it. 

no thanks. 

chatted with Dan tonight. he may move out to cali and room with me when I get out. finally...something GOOD for a fucking change. something new to look forward to. makes me feel pretty good. and I'm looking through hot or not right now...helps cement a bit more that yes...there ARE other beautiful women out there besides her, and YES, I stand a chance of meeting one of them, and YES, maybe one will have the brain to match the beauty...

because really...it's the brain that matters more than any of it. 

and I have friends that care about me that I can devote my time to instead of worrying about someone who doesn't want to be my friend. sometimes it's just hard to remember that because pain tends to overweigh joy. 

yeah. 

current mood:  good
current music: Tori Amos, "I'm on Fire" (on endless repeat...i love this song) 

taliana 
2003-01-27 09:35 
*hugs*
 

rainingvodka 
2003-01-27 14:58 
thanks jen.

*hug*

 
taliana 
2003-01-28 00:03 
no problem, my friend.
 

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