| Friday, January 31st, 2003
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12:50p
Damn the USAF. It's a beautiful day for a jump but the damn bird spung a huge fuel leak. aaaahhhhhh! I've got this weird...ache. i dunno what's causing it. current mood: bitchy
1:25p - Uselessness of Philiosophy
philosophy. I tend to consider myself farely philosophical in nature...particually leaning towards metaphysics...the study of what is "real". with the recent events of my life, the realizations of my naivete, and the foregoing of impossible dreams...it comes to my attention that philosophy is a fucking worthless endeavor. How are we to define reality? No matter who we are or how deep we probe...isn't it evident that we will never have it right? I thought I had reality pegged rather well there for a while, only to be cruely awakened to the truth. so what good does pondering reality do for us? What good does pondering the meaning of life do? What really, bears any merit in free thought? What gives me pleasure at the expense of no-one else's. What gives you pleasure at the expense of no-one else's. What gives the most pleasure for the least cost. Isn't that all there really is to life? Who cares what reality actually entails as long as we're happy? Afterall...life is just something we do until we're dead. Once we're dead any life force we might have just reverts back to the collective...so does it really matter if we live unreal lives? Who cares, for example, if someone is on Soma (and o/w responsible in day to day life)? Who cares if a person wastes 3/4 of their day asleep. What effect does it have? I suppose the only good is to be taken from smug security in ourselves. We can point at others and deride there delusional happiness...maybe it's just a way to make unhappy people (ouselves) happy by disclaiming happy people (dreamers). Mankind is cursed by free thought--it makes us unhappy. Is philosophy just a natural result of dissatisfaction and unhappiness? and catch this thought...isn't this disdain itself philosophical in nature? Being a hypocrite by calling this out? dunno. current music: Over the Rhine _Films for Radio_
5:21p - This was just too cute
I'm still at work...and that sucks. current mood: bored
8:47p - "Best of Friends"
I will say this...watching these shows, with the most common topic being love and friendship...it hasn't always made me smile... but tonight...tonight I watched the last episode in the series...and it was the one where Chandler proposes to Monica, but only after Richard shows back up and screws it up... that scene where chandler walks into the apartment, all lit with candles, and monica standing there waiting for him... I balled my eyes out. Part of it was sorrow, but a better portion of it was joy, relief, and just that overall sappy nature I possess. OK, yeah, it was just a scripted TV show...but i still draw vindication from it... LOVE exists. I may never really know how close I came to being loved by her, but I know that I can complete that circle someday with someone. Wedding rings are simple gold bands to symbolize the neverending nature of love...and it's true. Love doesn't end. It doesn't die, it doesn't run away forever. LOVE exists, and I will love someone else. This has been a really good week for me. I've been so busy that I haven't had *time* to be depressed, or regretful, or tormented. I didn't come home tonight until almost 7 PM. The pain of loss has faded to a dull roar. I miss her. I know that I will never stop missing her, just as I still miss Rebecca. The reality of the situation is that I said goodbye to her, and she doesn't have my whole life in front of her anymore...she cannot understand that I would take her friendship back any hour, any second, of any day. She cannot understand because she doesn't know me enough to understand. She cannot understand because now was the wrong time for us to meet. I'm moving on with my life. I've caught glimpses of happiness in the past few days...but not without a price. These last several months have been the most difficult of my life. Even when I was suicidal back in college, all those years ago...it was easier then. jentwo told me once that the first heart-break is different from all the rest...and really...this was my first. With Rebecca...things were...well it was just different. hard for me to describe it all succinctly. Looking back on all that has come to pass...I must say that jen definitely had something there. It's different because it's been part of my personal evolution. One thing that attracted K to me was my constant search for such evolution. One thing she really liked about me was seeing how my life progressed through reading my journal. I hope she understands how much meeting her has furthered my growth...the good, the bad, and the ugly of us...maybe that will give her something. Following my earlier post, life really has no meaning other than the impact we have on others...but i hope she will someday know she had a positive effect on me. and someday, somehow, maybe it will come to my knowledge that I somehow did the same for her... current mood: sappy
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