It's just another one of those silly infatuations...has to be, got all the trademark signs, chest pains, distracted thoughts--daydreaming/zoning out, frantic fumbling at words to say to gain favor, etc. etc. Feels a little different this time though...

So I met this incredible woman in Maui see, wholly unexpected meeting on my part. She's an understanding/maturity/wisdom I could only hope for. Beauty to match, and a sense of adventure to throw it all around...not to mention "quirks" that make her so "real" and genuine to me...putting "Hail Hail" 4 times in a row on a mix tape..."I know, I'm weird" she said to everyone in the car in general. I wanted to grab her and say "no"...yada yada yada. Everyone is great about thinking about what to say, but never say it. Given ten minutes, we always have the perfect thing to have said last night. In real time though, I'm screwed...

It's ironic how things work out sometimes...Jen was the woman who made me go online with my journal. Her's were the first entries I'd ever read of an online journal, and the sincerity and catharsis I found there uplifted me. I found myself infatuated even then.

Some several hundred miles of road between us did a good job of making me forget those feelings and move on. I sent an email that got lost, which also got me out...So we actually met in Maui, both having flown out for the Pearl Jam shows, (which were incredible btw). I felt funny talking with her, awkward after having lost contact. I had trouble with my footing.

Nothing happened while we were all on the islands, of course--squirting around with "THE Jay" and Grace and Dianne and Josh and Nick...I wanted more time alone with her--to get to know her more, to talk longer...*sigh*.

So now I'm really royally at a loss. Do I mention anything about this directly? I'm not sure if she has the same feelings...I am so terrible a judge at that. I saw her off to her flight monday morning. From the moment she boarded until now, I haven't been able to get her out of my mind (it's now 6AM tuesday morn). I know she hasn't read my journal often...maybe she'll read this one and the dilemna will resolve itself. One could only hope. It's just, I dunno 'bout long distance deals, even if feelings are mutual. And if nothing goes as I'd like--there's the awkward "thing" whenever we're around the others in that group for a show...I dunno, I just can't get things straight in my head right now...

Maui was absolutely beautifull...well worth the debt ridden state I now find myself in. I need to find a job ASAP, and start it a day earlier than that. I stopped smoking again at 9AM monday. We'll see how long I get this time...hopefully for good.

And oh yeah, the pages are going to be redesigned a trifle. For now it's construction zone grey. Minimalism.

I almost cried after I saw Jen leave...how screwy a situation does that paint? I actually tried to catch her during our layover in Honolulu, but no dice...The entire drive home from SF I was trying to picture what she was doing then, whether she'd been picked up OK and gotten her bags, what she was doing at home, what she was thinking, if i was in there anywhere, etc. etc.

My heart right now seems to be leading my brain on points. I just want to email her and tell her i'm going nuts over this. Cowardice dictates I wait for her to make the first move. She has my email address. I have Jane's and PJ tapes she wants to get copies of, she thinks she still has that email I sent that got lost...that will spark some grand discussions I'm sure. I don't know anything anymore. I just know I don't want to fuck this one up.

Anyway, there should be more later, I need to sleep now though.
 

The first night's show was fun. The band was kind of off and Ed missed some lines, but for the first show of the tour, coulda been worse. 2nd day went and lazed on various beaches...had a "fruity drink" (double shot of vodka on request) w/ vodka, cocunut and pineapple juice--heavenly drink...cost me ten fucking bucks so it had damn well better have been good. I lost my wallet at that hotel where Jen and Jay and Grace and all them were staying--somone found it turned it into lost and found w/o taking a thing...there is goodness still in this world. Luckily I'd only had like six bucks in it, or it might have been a different story...releaved as all shit to get my Driver's License back so I could actually check into my return flight and leave...crashed at Jen, Jay, Nick's room that night on a spare cot/roll away bed...I slept so incredibly soundly the entire trip...and little sleep felt just as invigorating as tons of sleep...I felt fresh and perky and happy averaging 5 to 6 hours a night--actually sprining outta bed...I have pumped full of adrenalin and excitement over the shows and just plain being in fucking beautifull maui while it was pouring cats, dogs, and trees back home...So yeah I took some pictures. I have no idea if any will turn out...most were not taken under optimal conditions and I am like a fucking jynx on cameras, so we'll see if some come out i might scan 'em. There are no pix of myself in my little disposable camera, but others took some I was in...

The second night's show was *so* much fucking better. The band played some *really* lovely versions of favorites, Immortality, animal, do the evolution. They played six or seven songs from the new album each night which all sounded good, even with the occasion mistake on the first night. As I said, all in all it was a glorious trip, and I'm bummed to be back here. All good things come to an end.

Hopefully now a good thing can start...These past few months I've just been having this overwhelming fear that time is running out for me on love...22 year old virgin, rarely dated, never really *loved*, not enough to have sex at least. I just feel sometimes I'm a dating outcast, that I don't "fit in"...I don't have games to play, I don't have tricks to pull. I don't want to rush into something...just want to fall in love and go slowly, enjoying everything as it comes in due time...i get the feeling a lot of people are totally not that way...would rather have fast women and fast cars...it's just not for me. I left the bay area to get away from that hustle bustle no time to slow or stop attitude...it's the last thing I want in a soulmate. Which is a really hilarious thing to write since I'm pratically haning on the edge of my seat waiting for an email from Jen. Does she have any idea at all? I wasn't blatantly outright obvious in any advances, but then, my inexperience in that field makes it hard for me to tell when I'm being too subtle...AHhh damn it's maddening. She's terrible at returnign email, so maybe I'll just wait a day or two then send of some more outright indicators. So much more comforting to face rejection from a computer screen...

I haven't even finished unpacking. I've been home about 8 hours so far, including the 4 hours of sleep/walking sleep. Come home, go to class, come home, unpack, return to real life. Return to it's pains, it's cruelties, it's troubles, return to bills and papers and responsibility. No more cigarettes, no more hair...

I wasn't too mature on Maui. I have a Denny's cup to package up and send back. I can't believe I did that. I'm sure that impressed the hell outta Jen, now didn't it...what an idiot.

So I won't announce my return on diary-l..can't 'member if she was still on that list or not, but best not to take chances. Speaking of lists, I was invited onto multiple weirdos--the little private PJ list all those guys and gals were on. I feel privelaged, seriously.

So yeah I suppose this is a great time to put this thought: I'm vain too, just like the rest of the world's majority. I like it when my names finds it's way into other people's journals. so write about me, interact with me, make me known to the world. jeesh. what a loser. Anyway, the point is here...who wants a fawning article about themself stashed up online for the entire world to see, especially in this case. We're both "part-time" writers. I love the fact she has a journal, but wonder what that does to a relationship, or what the relationship does to the journal for that matter...ray got thrashed on because of his journal--that was just one writer, not two...not in the beginning anyway...here it's two of us sitting there at keyboards and spewing.

So I'm sorry to come back with such a lovey-dovey sickened display of wimpering cowardice, but it happens. We don't plan everything, everything plans us (?). Final decision is in then, I rest my case on the matter. I'm getting to absorbed into this...already written three poems on it, the last quite long and even decent. Two years from now it'll be fluff saved to disk I think..."ahh look, I remember that time, that woman, that letdown...ehh, no big deal, great friends now."

And I do could do just friends, I really could. I was just a friend with shelly despite how much I wanted to be with her to date her, wine her, dine her, "be her man". That was simple infatuation, easy enough to recognize. This thing over Jen is the same thing I think...just feels a bit stronger, a little different. I constantly find myself attracted to women I don't deserve/will never find love with...in some ways so I don't have to face the fear of acceptance, in some ways because I enjoy being alone sometimes. But still, I'm trying to come out of my shell, really, I am...trying to fit more into the world around me by making friends and going out and interacting with other people.