I just got an email from Jen with a subject of "aaaaahahaaa". It's 1,826 bytes. I wonder how devastated I can be be made to feel by 1,826 bytes of computer coded squigglies. No, I haven't read it, and no I don't want to yet still. I've been dreading that she would reply, even though it's eactly what I wanted...just wanted a few more days to revel about it all, fantasy as it might have been, it was good.

"It's no crime to escape."
Forgive me for taking this line a bit too literaly...

I'm working myself up and, knowing the fates as I do, I'd say that email says nothing along the lines I'm fearing it does. But then, knowing my paranoa as I know my paranoa, it says everything exactly as I fear it does. Which is actually quite true, really, since any response on the subject of last night's entry is frightening to me at this point. Somone help me I'm such a wimp.

Filled out tax forms today. Should have money for food/rent/ car in time. I need to look into a loan in case I still can't find work. I'm afraid of missing the Arco Arena PJ show, rahter sure the SD and LA shows are out, despite a economical methods I come up w/...I actually found myself wonderin about the national guard or the army...me, so anti-military, leaving school for the killing machine so I can return to school years from now, afford it, and finish it.

I actually thought of selling my home DAT deck...means no more trading, but I have quite a few tapes now...after I fill the 15 new ones I bought, I could fetch like $500 for that thing...but i'm whining about this all and it's not too entertaining. If I read this email and it says what I think it does, that's one more regret about the Maui trip...But I must carry no regrets. My life is before me, not behind me. What has been done is past, and no amount of regret will undo the past.

OK, so I'm going to go read that email now. Wonderfull how I just build myself up with great expectations, isn't it?

Silence

I feel weird not lighting a cigarette now online. That's what I'd been doing regularly b4 leaving for Maui...

Mail from Jen mentioned nothing about my entry...makes sense since she wrote it just after getting back from the airport...4AM. I suppose it's a good thing she went to that effort that time of day...but won't read anything into it. The message bounced after the first sending, since I was around Laytonville when it got sent...my inbox overflowed while I was gone--rather quickly too. She resent it tonight. I need to go look at a plunger picture she's directed me too...one of those "Ston Gossard type plungers" heh. Probably none of you reading realize exactly what that means...oh well.

Kurt sent me off tapes today (! already !) and everyone I've talked to has been interested in that soundcheck...kurt said "I'll go down in the annals of taping history". I don't know about that, but it's a cool recording to have mastered, that's for sure.

I plan on uploading one or two or three of the "Jen #X" poems. Maybe tommorrow, maybe this weekend, maybe really never. Right now I'm wavering between hoping nothing is said and we just be online friends, and desperate that she reads and says something either way.

I think I'll just drop my fears and be direct through email...

No way I'm going home for Mom's Bday this weekend. I need to lock down a job still...

Took apart my disposable camera tonight--need to get the Maui film developed and I'm sure it costs less if I just bring the film cartridge in...kept the thing for future use if neccessary--really quite simple how it works...
I got one picture of jen hopefully that comes out OK. From about 10 minutes we actually had alone away from the other group of people...
 

So I slipped in "I can't get you out of my head. take that as you will" in my reply...following her "It was really great getting to meet you this weekend" and my "It was a weekend in paradise I'll never forget. PJ was, well, PJ, but still just a part of the whole."

So now it's just a matter of time. May as well post that "i'm back" to diary-l.