Not a whole lot to talk about for now...I've school work to do.
Jen and I have exchanged some absolutely *amazing* emails lately. "Us" is not to be, but through this realization, I've been coming to terms with myself as a person. I'm learning things about myself, my self destructive behavior, and my future. In many ways, I'm only just now coming out of my shell. Funny how my rebirth is taking form only after despair and the planning of the end. I feel much more satisfied as an individual now...much more able to *go on*...life is worth living again. This journal has been a great cathartic expression of myself. My experience with Jen has helped shock myself from my dreamy walking state of existance. Happiness seems obtainable now and the overwhelming desire to escape, no matter the price, is lessoning...
SO a huge thank you to everyone who's emailed me to voice
their concerns. Everyone of you touched my heart, that a total stranger
would go to such lengths for another total stranger...These past few days/hours
has convinced me that the woman I seek to share my life with exists, and
that I *will* find her...but even further that my life holds meaning outside
of another person, that there is more to happiness than someone to share
my bed with...
I've been told many times by many of you that I'm a "great
writer". It's heartening. I only wish my fiction could be as well written
as my journal...
SO that's it for right now.
Anyway apparently there's been a thread on diary-l about my(?) suicide plans...I guess Darcie posted a frantic memo about it...such a sweat girl. she was the first one to send mail pleading me to reconisder...no-one else that I know reading did, the others were from lurkers. I don't know if I should feel bad about that or what. Doesn't really matter. I didn't plan it for attention the way some ppl do...anyway I'm glad I unsubbed from diary-l. Apparently the general attitude was "ah, fuck 'em, if he can't get over his depression"...something I would *not* have enjoyed seeing in my inbox...i dunno, that right there mighta just pushed me over the edge. I got a lot of positive reinforcement from various ppl, and it was really a great feeling to feel so loved and appreciated by ppl I've never even met.
I just have nothing else to say for now. I feel like I've been put through the spin cycle all my life, and, now that it seems to have stopped, I need to relearn how to walk.