When you're talking with another person with problems...you can't indicate you're post suicidal yourself, even worse let on *just* recently out of a planned suicidal run across the country...When someone needs a shoulder to "cry on" that shoulder must be strong, and must be unwavering.

I was in this situation today with a girl I at least want to get to know better...maybe date eventually, maybe not...maybe just be good friends with. We've a lot of Tori Amos appreciation between us for a guarenteed friendship...I gave her a bunch of live Tori tapes to borrow, and half asked her out by telling her"So, christa, whadda I gotta do to get my tapes back, atake you home, tie you up, tickle you and then steal my tapes? Do you have a SO that would beat my ass or should I do it the old fashioned way, wine you dine you, promise roses, chocolate..."She buts up laughing...it wasn't at me so all was well ;)

She went home, got the tapes, and brought them to me in the library doing lab work for Structure of Amerian English...she was depressed over various thigns and needed to vent...so I bought her a coffee and she spewed...it seemd to do well for her...another friend of hers came by and we "hung" for a while...but I was never really sure what was going on between the two of us, so I did nothing...take it slow and get to be friends first..see where we go from there...seems a normal way of doing this I guess...so I guess, to quote Henry Rollins "OK, so I know you knew this back when you were in 3rd grade...I'm slower than most." This is a course of action never presented itself before...so bite me I'm naieve about some things...we're all human you know.

I been able to completely sink myself into my engineering work...feels ever so good to be able to just sit and sit and sit and *work* again w/o dreading it. I feel much more productive now...and figured I couldn't go through this phase without one classical "suicidal depression" poem...not too dark since I'm coming out of it, but hey...had to be done.

Oh yeah, may as well interject some education knowledge here...this here journal is what you would call "expressive writing" as it does not seek to force your physical actions somehow and seeks only to tell not command or influence...and "writer based writing" as it is written by me and for me, it's structure is a narrative path of my confrontation of the subject (my life, doh!) and it's language employs "privately loaded terms" (DAT, the artist and show date at the top, music, etc) and it's shifting but unexpressed contexts for my statements (i.e all those stories I've told here and how they are modified daily (i.e my life progressives so the writing does with it)...and yet, it is also "reader based writing" in that it is fucking here online for you to read and is a "deliberate" attempt to communicate something (my thoughts, feelings, life) to you the reader.It's an interesting mixture and I've been just dieing to bring it up in class...I'm sure the Professor would *love* to hear my take on this...but then, reader based writing tends to reflects purpose, and my purpose here is implied from the onset, cathartic releae of my demons by spewing troubles and my attempts IRT to resolve them...yet never formally built upon in a sense that I have a definate end in sight....though I suppose I could say well being and purity of though is one possibility for it...He, this is great, a way to study and write my journal at the same time...this discussion is the kind of thing I need to work through to study for my midterm wednesday in this class Theory of Composition :)

Ray tends to teach us mathematics, something I don't like to insert here at it intrudes in my English nature that is "sponsoring" this writing ;) Ha, Ray got math, I got english, who wants to start teaching everyone accounting or business law or hard core philosophy (although having a journal like this borders on philosophy at times...)

Hmm, well anyay, back to statistics!