SO I'm breaking my addage about no new day until after sleep...but I just had to let this tiny bit out: Right now, I'm happy. Christa isn't going to be a girlfriend...at least not for a long time if ever, but she is already a truly wonderfull friend...that comfort I find with her is something I've desperately needed. I can speak my mind, let it all out, and be welcome to do so in a caring environment. Don't get me wrong everyone, but I just need someone here, in the flesh, that can accept me for all my faults and listen when the need arises.

Thank you Christa, and thank you too Earnest :)

There will be more after I've slept for a bit.

Christa's "read and reread" that part of my journal which is easily acceptable right now. I'd give her the url to the geocities archive site (if they haven't kicked me outta it by now for not updating, using it as an archive) but I don't want her reading that when we have tests next week to prepare for. Heh.

She came over last night/this morning for coffee and conversation. It was so wonderfull...I can't really begin to describe it all...we talked for hours and hours amid the two major 'tiennes' coffee and cigarettes go together hand in hand. ANd I told her half jokingly i'd put this part here...we started to talk abou the difference between being a geek, and being a dork. Heh

We talked about just about everything, me, her, us, the past, the future, the present, old friends, new friends, bad expereinces, good experiences...this journal. I was concerened how she would take this monster...concerned this outflux might scare her away, that she couldn't accept it as the integral part of me that is is...but she can, and not only that, respect me for it. She told me how courageous she thinks it is to have this here, and I told her that, really, it is cowardly. Instead of venting to another human being, in the flesh, I do it here...where fear of reprisal, of non-acceptance, of response is so much less personal and limited. I don't hide my emotions, or my thoughts here like I've found myself doing in RL...For nearly all of you, I am represented *solely* by what I write...no face, hardly a name, and no RL identity...This is where I come to say what's on my mind without fear of the Real World interjecting. Here I have my say without interruption. I had, until just recently, no-one I could feel comfortable venting this too...but now I have someone to listen, someone to care, someone to *help* me through my worries...and it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm not saying thsis so that I can drop outta this project, abandon it, and place my full weight on her back, because that's not the case. It's just a comfort to know I have someone now to discuss myself with. I haven't had that for a long time, and it's one reason this journal got started to begin with. I don't have to cry alone, into the wind, drenched by the rain to hide my saltine flows.....and it gives me strength. Strength to hold my head up through the flood, strength to stay afloat. She can listen to me, and *I* can listen to her, and this morning it's been an uplifting thing.

Following all this, it's easy for me to perceive that it isn't neccessarily *Love* I've been so actively hopeless for, it's just an ear to listen, impartial, without judgement, without reprisal.