I like their earlier material better, but:

"Mother,
Father,
Look at your little monster
I'm a hero
I'm a zero
I'm the butt of the worst joke in history"
from "Incomplete"

I can't help but identify here. Don't worry, I don't think I'm dropping back into suicidal tendencies...just despair.

Christa and I were talking about old friends being married with children already...I feel so out of date, like I should at least have a steady relationship...can't help but feel a loser in the face of all these friends. They're all luckier than me, finding someone to love and spend their life with already.

I went through a few years just past where I envisioned myself a bachelor for my entire life. I also saw myself the colosus loner...I actually *liked* the idea for most of that time...but now I just feel lonely. I can't possibly see myself that way anymore. In many ways I feel I'm just now starting to mature, and that makes sense to me, so this sudden revelation is just another for the pile.

My recent fiascos with women make this idea so much more prevalient. Like I'm just waking to see the real world. I always figured, as a child, that I'd just naturally suceed at everything I did, that I'd make my mark on the world. As I grew, this certainly faded until I thought I couldn't possibly make a dent on the world...now I'm not so sure anymore...I have at least touched some of you somewhat, somehow. My recent troubles and your response has proved that to me. I don't really want to be famous. I don't really want to shake the world to it's core. I'm fine with the idea of just going down in history as a footnote in some obscure persons mind...it's a non-issue really.

What I do know is that there is a women out there, maybe Christa, maybe someone else, that I *do* want to make an impression on...someone to share my creations with, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant...someone I can trust to understand me and be there for me, someone who won't hesitate to ask the same of me in return.

So I guess I'm starting to sound like a broken record on this whole subject as of late. Shoot me. It's what is dominating my thoughts...and hence this journal.

I question my emotions at this point. Sure, Christa's been on my mind for quite some time now, before Jen, and, to some extent, even before Amy or Rebecca or even Alyssa...hovering there, unnoticed then, but not now. Is it my topsy turvy state of emotions and thoughts that made me finally ask her out, seek her out, fill my mind with thoughts of her? Is there really something there or is it just a pre-fabricated solution to my problems of lonliness. I *know* I latched onto Jen because of my depression. Is it the same with Christa? It seems likely to me that I'm just setting my sights on everything that looks possible...but then there is this corner in my mind that forces these thoughts in an attempt to forget about Christa...this corner of my mind that seems to scream when she says she isn't ready, this corner that seems to tear at my inards in an attemt to shock me into sense and say "look you idiot, you've been whining and moaning and pueling about love for weeks, months, and years...can't you see it when it bites you on the ass?" Right now I'm just too confused to make sense of any of this. It hasn't been an easy time these past couple of weeks.

Right now I'll go out on a limb and spew forth the thought that I *really* like Christa and am willing to wait for her. A week or two from now...I can't say. The fact that I can't have a relationship with her now makes it so hard to think clearly, the old "want what you can't have" cliche addage.

So maybe I'm at the same point she's at...I'm too messed up to risk screwing up a good relationship...or maybe I'm at the opposite side of the spectrum; I'm too messed up to *not* be in a relationship.

All I'm asking for is steady ground under my feet. I'm standing in the crows nest and straining my eyes, but I can't see it through this squall.

I used to love cooking. Now, it's always a dinner for two for a single place setting, and it's getting to me. I love leftovers but if the price to pay for them is lonliness, it's no gain at all.

I have friends, but no-one to really just *talk* with, to exorcise my demons. I do it here for a small audience, you, and take what I can from spitting into the wind. It helps, yes, helps tremendously...but isn't nearly enough. But you know, it's always what *I* want here...obviously, it's my journal...yet still. What does Christa want? What does Christa need? IS there any way I can fullfil that need? As a friend, as a lover, as a stranger...I'd do it I'm sure. I've done wrong in my life. I don't cry for that, it's pointless to agonize over the past...but the future is unwritten, and I'd like to balance my wrong with goodness. I try, I really do, but it's all so misguided and tangled. All things said, I know I don't *deserve* to be happy until I've made peace with myself by making good for my wrongs...but it's such a catch 22, isn't it? How can I make good for my wrongs if I can't make good for myself? Balance is the only path to peace, but peace is the only way to my balance...

Last night, all my worries melted. All my troubles vanished. I want to do the same for her. I want to do the same for her so much...but I can't do that when she pushes me away.

Let me ask just one more question here...I'm supposed to focus on school and learning with all these melodramatic thoughts floating through my mind? I'm trying, but I can't see how it's possible.

I read all the bad poetry I've been writing as of late and despair. How can I ever be a good writer if I can't convey such ideas as this anywhere but here? What am I going to do, publish my journal? Good luck on that one, Vomacka.

"Dehydrated person. For Vomacka, just add water. For VOMACKA! add vodka. Gives you that extra perk!" Gregory Gnauck 030698.

For Vomacka, just add life. For VOMACKA? just add thought...