It's 12:26AM, saturday morning.

I have a very long email to write...if I don't do so, it means driftin away even further from an old friend, Amy Ryan...the women who just got married, that I once drove 850 miles just to hang out with...a very close friend. She was never someone I was attracted to...just a platonic friendship. We had long and serious discussion abotu religion in High School (she's a devout Christian) and i'm an agnostic...I'm rehashing here, I haven't talked about her in so long I doubt many of you know who I'm talking about...The archives, dating back to 1994, are online, and linked to and tidied up a bit for viewing pleasure--there's a few entries abou Amy Ryan there I think.

The point to this whole rehash is the *need* for the rehash...such close friends once, now we never talk physically or by email or phone or anything...here we are in the middle of this computer information telecumminication world, and I haven't interacted with her in months, nearly a full eight or so...it's my fault too, really. I got a christmas card from her and her husband (a really *sweet* guy Michael Lawrence [think I spelled that right...i need to look it up b4 i email back...I *gotta* write this email but I just don't want to....sigh....everything changes. I want to just go to sleep, wake up, finish packing, go to mom and dads...it's not home anymore...i want time to myself, to just sleep, read...i want to be with christa...

I worry that this fierce friendship we're developing will stagger some day, just like it has with amy. It was never this intense with amy though...i never saw amy every day (nearly) straight for 8 days...I didn't see her sat, but I've seen her every day since. We did laundry tonight, had lunch, walked along the beach and watched the sun go down (commune with the earth here b4 leaving it for break...it's almost ritualistic for me now...don't have time to appreciate it seems in school...or don't appreciate it till it's gone for a while...who knows the reasons for our pysche...) and i worry I'm spending *too much damn time with her*...but i can't help but want that to be the way life is right now. I so want to see her every day, and it's frightening me. I'm not obssessive, thank god...i was fully prepared *not* to see her again today, and just go on break with an email goodbye...but she's the one that instigated today's "hanging out". I jumped at the chance...visited her at the end of her radio show this morning...what a swimming mind of thoughts...

So I was thinking these thoughts on the car ride home (she drove me home from damn I'm terrible with names....not eropicop...damn...from a friends house...wow look, I'm writing just like sarah right now "..." :P. I told christa to start reading sarah's journal, and ray's and others...she's liked mine...i figger she'l like what I like to read? You other journalists are all putting out a product for consumption, you realize that, right? It's a job we don't get paid for, in a way, no matter *how* much it is for ourselves...my journal is *amzingly* self centered in it's purpose. Number of readers doesn't phase me. I took the open pages web ring thing off...I will probably even go so far as to ask to have my journal taken off the list (mebe I can do that myself? must check). I first started and wanted hundreds of readers, hundreds of hits per day...fame and glory. Now I just don't fuckin' care anymore...i haven't gotten that fame and glory i so whimsically hoped for, so not I could care less about it. I've come to realizaitiosn abou myself, and my life, and the journa l has been a big part of that realization...those few who come here, well, it's helped...yes...

Anyways, I asked christa why we were spending so much time together... I was serious about it, but I guess my phrasing was bad "Why are you always here?" is what I said, when I meant to ask "Why are spending so much time with me?...it's scaring me...Is it because you think I *need* you to be there, to keep me from the brink?" I need to know the answer. I said a few days ago I don't *worry* what she thinks, I just *wonder*...this is one thing I'm wondering about. OPenign myself up to a RL person is somethign I haven't done in a long time, to be honest. Amy was the last person I really felt comfortable doing that with. Now we've drifted away, and it frightens me to realize she was a big part of my life, and she's married now, and away, and removed...she has her *own* life to live away from me...I just don't know if I fit there anymore...I'm so *changed* since last we really talked. How could I begin to describe my present self w/o backtrackin so far? I was never completely above the boards, even with her, but now, with all those dark details come to a head, I cannot *help* but explain them to explain myself honestly. I guess I just can't open up to her anymore, and it's frightening to realize she can never be the close friend she once was...I'll always be holding thigns back, and that's *not* the way to be a close anything friend, lover...only strangers hold things back, in my eyes...or ppl who pretend to be friends...I'm one for that whole "few friends, but *good* friends" thing, rather than "lot's of shallow friendships" thing...If I'm lonely, I'd prefer to not pretend it. I'd prefer *not* to hide my pains from "friends"...which is why I have so few friends...which is why I'm feelin so strange about losing Amy as a *true* friend...I simply can't bring myself to describe my past to her right now. I love her dearly, but she would "preach to me". She would talk my ear off abou "the Lord" and his "love" and I just don't want to put myself in that position. I've tried "the Lord" and it doesn't work for me. Granted, I never threw myself into it. I was never a "born again christian"...

"The seeds of desperation are ever germenating, in my mind"
Bad Religion, "What it is"

But now, right now I don't believe that...
I think I'm actually happy right now...feels lovely.
Life still feels confusing. I really wish I knew what I was gonna do for work this summer. I'm working on a few internships, but I just don't know.
So you all should know I won't be updating daily for awhile again...although, who knows, mebe I upload entries from Antioch Public Library internet computer...yet I never feel much of a need for heavy daily writing at mom and dad's place. I don't have as many problems thinking about stuff or feel inclined to write at their house. Mebe it's cuz I feel safe there, even if I'm on edges being there around them and my sister and everything...

I don't feel like the parents are such a huge part of my life anymore. I'm becoming my own person, finally making my niche in the world...I wish I did not have to keep running to them like I am though...in that light I am *not* becoming my own person. I am using them as a crutch too much and need to make my own finances and support my own self...I need to stop my self destructive lifestyle, and I think I'm on that road now. I'm starting to realize the cold hard facts of life alone...financial stress is caving in on me. Alone, w/o them, I'd be filing bankruptsy right now I think and I don't like that. It scares me to think soon they won't be bailing me out anymore. No more "free money" from here on out. I need to finish school, get a job, and start paying them back and fully become my own person on every level.

At odd flickers of thought, I wonder if I'm shifting this dependance on my parents to christa. I don't want to do that, and I'm not trying to do that...but I can see it happening and it's important that I *do not*. She is not here as a guidance counselor...she is here as a friend I can talk to if the need arises. No more, but no less. She is not there to be an extension of my brain. I am not here to be her carol reincarnate.

I think it's good I'm not going to see christa for a week. Although, If i get crazy desperate for a friend to hang with, Lodi ain't really too far away from my parents house.

joe?

JopOE?
Chris?

Cophopropisop?
 

CophopropIsoptopa?

"GoplopInop"
 

In a way, my method of "gettin it out" with her is typing it here, letting her read it...but it's so one-sided...even though I know she wouldn't interject, she wouldn't argue, she wouldn't detract from my pains/emotions/thoughts...I still can't completely bring it up in conversasion...being with her is an escape i don't want to spoil... It's a *healthy* escape though, a rewarding escape. It isn't one that strips my soul or finances or hopes...one that only reinforces my want to live, one that gives me sanity, comfort... even joy...