Radiohead 04.02.98 Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, SF, CA
04.03.98
12:24AM
I have a friend who went to the show I'm listening to
now...blows the show I saw at the Warfield away...tape is very crazy cool
excellent quality too...
Rebecca emailed me today...holy fuck...I never expected to hear from her again. But I'm happy because she's OK. Broke up with Chris and found someone who actually appreciates her. AT odd moments I'd just feel sure she was dead...and, for all intents and purposes, might as well have been as far as my life goes...never ever expected to talk with her again...fuck. All that time I spent with her seems so long ago...seems a whole 'nother life as a matter of fact...in some ways I guess you could say it *was* another life then...
Life has a funny way of working things out I suppose. I must say though, I'm still worried about her...she says the man she's dating now reminds her a lot of me, and that if she wasn't with josh, she'd want to be with me, but she knows that she never could...That makes me feel very very odd...I don't want her to have to think that way...but if that's what keeps the glue sticking for her...so be it.
No, as of the time of writing this, the archives have
not been updated with all those entries whose links I took down. In fact,
as of now those entries are still on the server. If you want to access
them, for at least the time being, you can hit the 98 index.
Everyone I email or talk to seems to think Christa and I are an item...but
as far as I know, we're not...how am I coming across so wrongly that people
are getting that idea? She was actually telling me about situations she's
been in that mimiced the one we're in...of friends who pushed their relationship
past platonic friendship...and I wondered if it was a warning she was giving,
or just something she felt I should be aware of, or was it simply late
night, sleep deprived, delirium that caused her to speak what she shouldn't
have spoken? IN *any* case, I'm glad she told me about it, because that's
what I want to be there for--for her to talk about what she's uncomfortable
about talking about or having been through...because going back to it is
the only way to *become* OK about it...
Regardless of her reasons though, I could never push
anything on her...which is going to get harder and harder I think in the
future, because she has a hard time making decisions...things like "so,
what do you want to eat?", or "what do you want to do?" or "coffee? OK!
my place or yours?"...aarrrggghhhh. What's really bad is that while she's
easy to please, so am I...both of us will sit there for a couple of minutes
saying back and forth, no really, I don't care, what do you want....jeesh...it's
silly. What's really odd is (and this is just a bit of astrology now cuz
I feel like it-- don't neccessarily mean to imply I'm full hearted into
this now!) I'm a Leo and Leo's are usually leaders domineering almost,
happy to make decisions...and I *am* like that, when it comes to serious
matters of work, of team projects...but when it comes to trivial, friendly
matters, well, jyep, then I'm fucked.
Did I mention yet here that I ran into Rachelle Jepson and she's getting married now too? Jeesh my whole circle of "friends" from high school is getting partnered up...I can only think of Sarah as the only one I still ever talk to that is also still single...
Lately I've been thinking abou my life and about decisions and how those choices have affected my life...in detail--working through specific events and results and tracing certain opportunities back to certain decisions...and I won't bother going into detail because this whole journal is a detail and that alone I could go off on...but it's weird...it's like I'm seeing my life as this intricate web of actions, and, by altering just one small part, all the rest changes...like a spiderweb in the wind...one small part is altered and it hangs in that wind differently...like a windchime...take away or add a chime and suddenly the whole thing resonates different, a bit sharper perhaps, or flatter, or a note is missing/lost...etc...feels weird to think about this because it's an insight about what life will feel like many many many more years from now...when I can trace exactly where I am and who I am back to this very night, this very day, hour, minute...and it's realizations like these that make me cringe with utter delight and fascination that I have this journal...because herein lies the footnotes to the roadmap of my life...herein lies the travel advisories/descriptions to the forks in the road.
Boggles the mind, really.