Tori Boys for Pele
04.10.98
What does Christa want. What does Greg want. What does Tim want,
what does Carl Slyvestor want. What does Kurt Vogel want. What do
I want, what does Jim Vomacka want. What does chuck want, what
does sarah want. What does...
"I just wonder what people think about me" But why?
What difference does it make? I want to grab her shoulders and
scream it...it doesn't matter whether they see you as a troll, as
an angel, as a crook or a priest (talkin ideals here, not
reality...crook=priest in many RL cases...). Why this
fascination? But then I question my questioning...how does the
desire to know another's thoughts about me harm me? If one keeps
an open mind, I suppose it's actually a good thing to
know...that, for example, you think I'm a putz. Clear away the
barriers to communication, to human contact, to a possible
friendship even...maybe i'm not really a putz but certain false
impressions lead you down that path of thought...maybe I could
'fix' that train of thought...maybe not...
I don't think this means the same as *caring* what you think, as
being *affected* by it...just an indicator. Coming back into real
life, it's interesting to realize just how few of us are
*grounded*...how few of us actually have those ties to reality
checked at all often...knowing how you look through another's
eyes is a good way of learning things about yourself...you cannot
physically see yourself. That's a fact, in this 3d world you
cannot consciously use your eyes to *look* at yourself...a video,
a picture, even a mirror...not even virtual 3d imagaing is the
same thing...I cannot look at myself as I looked at Eric, for
example, as we walked back to school today from a brief spell of
college mandated down time. I can only feed off input from
others.
So, Christa, here's what I think of you. I think you're a
wonderful person, with a quirked sense of humor and an incredible
gift of expression in it's various forms...you just can't make
decisions. Sometimes others can't take this lack of decision
making and make the decisions for you...only to discover it isn't
what you wanted at all... and we both know the problems that have
resulted from this in the past.
Yet, I'm not here to make decisions for you. I've had enough
trouble making my own decisions.
Of course there's more...I just always feel weird writing about
other people on here so I'll leave off at that.
I drew a pig. It was in the center, towards the top of the page
bit of the center, facing left, four legs, medium ears, a tail
much longer than I think shoulda been according to the indicator,
very little detail. Sorry...most of you will not get that. inside
joke. Forgive me for excluding you from something. This is *my*
life and that *is* my right you know.
I shouldn't be writing. I should be going to sleep instead...but
I came home feeling not so energetic and crashed into bed at
about 6PM...waking at 8:30PM.
It's now 11:58PM. I'll save then start another entry if
warranted...um...naaahh, not worth the bother.
The geocities 98 archive is up and running finally. I nixed the
digest type monthly files...format is essentially the same as
this format on the main page...and next/previous/back to index
links all thread through it...I love the power of generalized
anchoring...so much easier to move sites around when you don't
have the tags as full paths...
Of course, the pop up is guaranteed if you go there...don't
*close it*! minimize it and stick it somewhere outta the way and
it won't come back everytime you click a new link within the
structure...
Who am I kidding. no one uses the archive. it's just another
backup for my own personal use.
Makes me feel weird to realize anyone can check the stats for
this site whenever they want. It's almost an invasion of
privacy...yet, why your ability to see how many ppl have read
this page should bother me, and you actually fucking *reading*
this page doesn't bother me...that's weird...actually, no, it's
simple insecurity. real inferiority complex about you knowing how
few people out there actually care enough to read...god damnit I
hate it when I do this "look here's glen, he's a fucking
loser and just wants attention come read about his entire life,
his failures in love, failures in school, and recent suicide
plans." then I piss and whine about how no-one does...but
then I don't go out and advertise...I'm just a baffoon, I know.
I'd like to think of this site as a treasure...something that
should be spread by word of mouth? some little itsy bitsy
insignificant piece of the web...something to be stumbled across
late one evening while doing a search for something completely
different...and get pulled in, sucked in, inextricably linked
into this life of mine...
I just don't really know what to think/feel about this journal
anymore. It's role in my life has been constantly shifting
through various degrees of importance and pride.
12:12AM
I think it would be cool to have an average of 25 hits a day.
Even that small amount of traffic would be a meaningful signpost
on the way to my web persona. There are currently just under 400
journals on Open Pages...I don't know if Open Pages is the
biggest ring of journals...I know there are a few others but I
can't recall their names...I would really like to have a more
accurate count of us journalists.
My my there are some absolutely beautiful journals out there,
some full on mind blowing gorgeous stuff and innovative design.
Then there are those few people with something to say and say
well along with that design. Then there is me. I like to *think*
I have something worthwhile to say, but do I really? Those few of
you here must think so, considering that you keep coming back for
more.
"Slag pit
Stag shit
honey bring it close to my lips
yes
don't blow those brains yet"
TA "Professional Widow"
I get bored with this design myself. There is just so damn much
*more* I want to do...but I just know I would lose myself in the
undertaking. I would spend so much time here, away from RL,
working on this journal, polishing it, coding it, scouring the
internet for images (oh yeah lovely piece of news...one of the
campus labs is now going to stay open to 3AM...used to close at
11PM...but there's a lot of time I feel like doing journal work
about that time...I could really see myself slipping back...used
to close the 11/12PM labs a lot in my sophmore/junior
years...gawd I can just imagine how bad I can get myself sucked
in...bring a sleeping bag. Heh
I am not an internet junkie. I am not an addict. I can go without
my hook up....but you know, the first step to recovery is
admitting the problem..."My name is Tas, and I am an
internet junkie." It's funny....I don't like to use my real
name in this journal so much. I don't why. I'm not afraid of ppl
i know finding it, I have the url in my email .sig file, my .plan
for fingering both on the email and the web editing shells...I
like the sound of tas better...wouldn't want it that way IRL
though...me name’s glen, mate, one 'n', last name's vomacka
"'V' as in victory 'O' 'M' as in Mary, 'A', 'C', 'K',
'A'"...that's how I always spell my name out when asked in
conversation, always victory, and always mary. No special
significance to the words picked for 'v' and 'm'...at least
consciously...subconsciously, I dunno. I'll admit I have felt
like I was trying to make a statement of some sort by using
'victory' as in "I will succeed over you", etc...
Oh dear, and 'Mary' homonym with 'merry'...I thunk i shant even
go there for now.
"So tell me, do typos annoy you greatly?" ... pickup
line at an online journalists convention.
Seriously though, are there too many do you think? I tend to go
back and recursively fix those things...often even a day or two
after the entry is written...but are typos sometimes confused
without purposeful alternative spellings? like "thunk",
or "wunder"...? I just got kicked out at 12:36PM...just
now logged back in...gotta love automatic backups upon lost
connection like that...recovered 3k of text...guess this is a
decently long entry. Didn't I say something a few days ago about
not posting much in the next few days...
"or don't worry nuthing honey, he's always saying that. You
just go right along and drink yer coffee now." Waiter/techie
support at an internet café.
Why am I jotting down one-liners tonight? I dunno. I can't sleep
and I'm bored. Great for those of you who like to get these long
rambling entries I suppose.
I added an email link to the main page...realized I hadn't had
one for the longest time...actually realized this when I started
to think how josh found my email address for becca...josh finally
wrote christa back, and I feel free to write becca back now...yet
I still haven't. go figure. always crying over a loss of friends
but when I'm confronted with getting one back I
stonewall...excuses excuses I know here comes the big
ones....sometime I just feel so damn uncomfortable talking with
Rebecca, even *thinking* about Rebecca...We went through some
really heavy nights last summer, and I just don't know what kind
of ground we're standing on right now.
At least she knows that, even were she not with josh right now,
any relationship between her and I is simply not an option...
Rebecca is the only women I've ever met that I know wanted to
sleep with me...moreover the only woman who said as much or take
steps towards doing it...and for her to have said, as she did in
one of those emails, that she still would if she hadn't met
josh...maybe you see the path I'm on, you've been in that
situation, but it's weird for me. I feel weird that it feels
weird. It's like, OK Tas, wake up now, K? Just cuz yer a freak
doesn't mean you have to be quite so damn expository about
it...um, no, i can be as expository about whatever the Fucking
Bloody God Damn well Hell I like, thank you. I *am* an adult and
while I might not always seems t,o be the fact remains. To think
in less than 4 months I'll be *23*...never imagined what I'd be
like at this age when I was 7...good thing, reality would
probably have given me nightmares...all the crap and glory that
makes me who I am. Yes, thank you world for it all...
Jeesh, as if being 22 and still a virgin is an oddity, I'll be a
23 year old virgin soon. Awkward thought. Oh, bother, no big
deal...I'll prolly meet someone someday.
Tori Amos "Spark"
"She's addicted to Niccoteine patches..."
I love that line...
12:56PM