from the choirgirl hotel Tori Amos
05.07.98
12:26
Interesting day this past day/waking period...
Woke, went to class, finished putting my 'portfolio' together
for Engl 406, exchanged a few e's w/ Bruce...my tape is on the way and
he's burning the show to CD for me, and for christa also, as well...sometime
this weekend probably. He also got a poster for christa and it's also on
it's way. 'Finished' the coding for my end of the vonnegut pages (main
page and BOC)
Ting
a Ling, or Hi ho, or Insert Title here
I say 'finished' because I'll be playing with these pages
for months I think...it's just too fun a project to abandon because 'i've
done enough' for the class...besides the main page could use some cool
things sadly lacking now...
Reading chuck's entry tonight made my mouth water
...acappella
05.06.98 My lunch consisted of a cream cheesed bagel. My dinner consisted
of mac 'n' cheese...coulda definitely fared better, just too lazy to walk
down to safeway and pick up real food.
A fellow student in 406 made his way here the other night
and told me in class...he was surprised about the openness of it...the
fact that it's even here was shocking enough to him. I've been doing it
so long now that fact has eluded me. He asked how I could be so open and
I was kinda taken aback...how indeed? Never really thought about that one...my
answers were lame "no one around here reads it anyway" and a lot of shrugging.
I was trying to indicate that it's no big deal to me. Mainly, I write for
myself and put it online for anyone else who deems it fit to spend the
time reading...if i'm lucky, perhaps even lend a little support through
contact or even simple well wishing...
Even though it took me aback a bit, I was glad he told
me. btw, he also flashed on quite a few of the other journals I have listed
on the 'phreaks like me' page...
He said he didn't even realize "we" (the mass of online journalists) were out there. I was tempted to quote him my recent musing on the number of us, but didn't.
We talked about counters a bit too, and I told him of my inclination to take it down. "why?" he asked. I told him because it didn't matter to me how many hits I get. that I write for myself above all else and the audience is secondary. further explained that i'd gone through a lot of changes (and I was ambigious here about whether it was me or the journal...although it has been both...) and wanted to see how many people were 'still there' after "removing all the advertisements" i.e. open pages webring...
Now I wonder if I won't just leave the counter up. It's nice to get that 10 most recent visits domain thing...siteflo gave out the recent 100 so was better but it's all flunky siteflo be...in fact, I'd seen the local server 'northcoast.com' on there and *knew* someone local had visited...i'd though it was greg but apparently I was wrong...sometimes i wunder how much of this greg has read. I'm sure some of it, but i don't think he follows along much...my guess is his attitude is 'why bother, i see him IRL'. He really is a good man, and I'm glad I can call him friend, even if he jokingly prefers 'plaything' or some such silly nonsense. It's a kind of understood connection between us i guess...there are things I would feel more comfortable telling him they christa, for example...but other things i wouldn't feel comfortable about...never told him obliquely about my suicidal drama, rather passing it by in quick conversation: "i figured post-suicidal would be a bad time to try to quit (smoking)" in reference to a butt I had at the time...he never dug deeper so i let it go with that.
I feel weird talking about that time so matter-of-factly...it's like i was a completely different person, and in a way, I was so perhaps the cold detachment for it isn't so abnormal afterall.
I got paid today for the first time since august...not a whole lot of dough actually. I didn't want a big pile from spank...i would have felt bad charging them a lot, but $50 covers all the tape and batteries and leaves me a good chunk for services rendered...and considering they've been quite free flowing w/ the beer 'n' such...one thing so nice about living here is the hospitality. As E was saying a while back, living in San Diego, you ask a friend for some water, he'll say "there's the glasses and the sink...help yourself" whereas here...walking through someone's door, the greeting is more like "can i get you anything, water, coffee, beer, food?" Why is that you might wonder? Part of it is perhaps we're more caring up and away from the day to day rush rush rush of urbanity...but more important I think is that here, there's more 'energy' given off by everyone, to everyone, for everyone...if you've read _The Celestine Prophecy_ imagine the 'good people' in the gardens...almost everyone is like that here...combine caring, laidback, and chiefly happy, and humboldt hopsitality is what you get...
Maybe all the pot helps a teeny bit too...
Past that presentation last week and now the portfolio, I've had a lot more free time...devoured a couple pulp books borrowed from greg. I'm picking up some more faulkner novels over the summer..._Pylon_, argued as his 2nd worst novel, is first. Why read this bad one first? I dunno, so I know what faulkner at his penultimate writing is like? So I can compare it with the best writing I will ever produce? Can My best be as good as faulkners near worst? Hahahahah...not to devalue myself, but I don't think so...i'll see soon enough I suppose.
Do you want to know why I need to be rich? So I can pursue what should have been my studies all along--recording arts...'if i only knew then what i know now'...i wanna build a recording studio build a record label...indie all the way, old school sub pop style. It's my calling I think, really is...but it isn't to be. I'm locked into my other loves, engineering and english...and that shall be my life. recording will unfortunetly always be just a hobby............but i'm OK with that. life is a serious series of missed opportunities. happiness comes in making the best of those opportunities we do *not* miss...and my current path is enough to sustain me.
But I can still dream and perhaps, someday...