Tori 05.05.98
05.13.98
10:20PM
Big time study day. BBQ chicken/vege stir-fry/baked tater/milk/wine for dinner. That essentially sums up my entire day...except for one little incident that has me kinda topsy turvy...
I got an email from rebecca today and besides listing her bday presents, she told me josh broke up with her. They're still friends she says and everything seems cool, so at least no-one's crying over the whole deal too much...didja watch _Party of Five_ tonight? I did...some sad moments in there...
So now where I felt slightly awkward before when I spent
that night catching up with becca, i feel super weird now. She did state
in i think her 2nd email to me that she wanted to be with me if not josh...and
I just don't know how to handle this fact that she *isn't* with josh anymore...I
have to go through and sort out those topsy turvy feelings I've been able
to suppress since last summer...i recall quite distinctly (and could find
it in the archives if so inclined) thoughts along the lines of 'what if
she is that *one*?'. Back then I was happy she was with chris, not because
he was a good person, but because I didn't have to deal with any feelings
in her direction. With josh, I was happy she was with a good person, *and*
that it was out of my hands...yet why is everytime I remember when we said
goodbye that night, I could swear she wanted me to kiss her...
Now what the fuck do I do?
She said in that same email she knows 'we' aren't a possibility...but now I just can't see how sex won't come up in the two months I'll be spending in Antioch. From here, now, I don't know how to handle that situation. on one hand, sex is just sex, normal human activity...and here I am nearing 23, wondering if my virginity has malformed my perception of dating...that thought throws my perception of any feelings towards becca into chaos. At it's basist elements, there's a feeling of guardianship, almost paternal in nature...much of which came about because of the danger chris represented. As a human being, the offer of sex with someone I'm attracted to is hard to beg off...despite how 'wrong' it might seem.
It's certainly going to be an exciting summer on that
front. I'll just have to play it by ear.
Speaking of summer, I wish you luck on finding recent
entries during june and july because it'll be a pain getting them online...
Oh yeah, I fixed my computer yesterday, used greg's Edisk and put the finder back where it was supposed to be (accidentily got moved into the extensions folder...exactly what I thought was the problem--so nice to be right for once.)
bye now
-glen