Hard Drive Whirling

06.02.98

I drove down to the army recruiting office today, but no-one was there. Why did I do this? I got my report card yesterday...I passed everything, but my grades were not so good, C+ in Structure, C- in Physics, C in Stats, B in Theory of Comp...The deal w/ mom and dad was a loan for next year, provided I had good grades...

I'm not even positive they looked at the grades yet, none of us have mentioned them...I'm wondering if they're waiting for me to say something first...yet they really gave me no opportunity to do so tonight. I didn't want to say anything about it yesterday...got home from work, opened it, and left again to take a long drive and think for awhile. That's when I came to the conclusion of joining the army for that college money deal. That's what i wanted to talk with the recruiter today. I don't want to talk about my grades/loss of the loan w/ mom and dad until I can tell them what I'm going to do about it...at this point I'm still not sure. I have so many questions I didn't get answered today.

I want to know if it's possible to get the money, finish school, *then* enlist. I want to know exactly how long I need to enlist for. I want to know if it has to be normal duty or if wknd/reserves if sufficient. I want to know where I'll end up stationed. I want to know what to expect out of the enlistment...questions questions questions.

I've had thoughts about the army for several years now, actually, as I've intimated here before. It's yet one more experience in this life full of them. It's a radically new perspective on life. It's quite a substantial 'time-out' from "real life".

If I end up enlisting, it will mean several years out of time, out of this life. If I enlist, I know how different everything will be when I come out. Will I still have contact with my friends? Will I still relate with my friends? How much will four or five or whatever years distance me from them? Their years to mature and finish school and start their own lives out there...what horrors might I face? what difficulties will I be forced to overcome? What kind of man will I be once it's over? What will it be like to return to school after such a long period away, will I remember enough to get by or will I be forced to redo some classes? How will the university handle such an absence...blah blah blah...it's a whirlwind of thought...What will it be like to be removed from the live music scene for so long, how will recording tech change. Will music still captivate me as it does now? What will my parents think of this decision shall it come to fruitation...how will my friends react? ??????

I don't think I can get enough money in student loans...have no real collateral for the 15k I'll need. The tuition isn't much of a problem...it's living expenses that worry me. I've already tried to find a job with no luck up in Humboldt...
I will *not* ask my parents to co-sign a loan with me...tantamount to begging them for help. As soon as I have my options clarified, I'm letting them know I have no intention of leaning on them again. I fucked up.

I'm thinking the military could straighten out my disciplinary problems, my lack of focus, my often over-reaching ambition...

How will I be affected by the "loss" of those years I'm enlisted? Will I never find my soulmate? Missing her by a semester or two? Will I lose touch with ppl of my generation, scholars like myself? Will I never get into teaching as I'd like to do? The plan I had *was* to be an engineer/tech writer for a decade and a half or so...making enough money to sustain my expensive tastes as I work in education...will I completely forgo teaching then? or engineering?

For every question raised by this decision, there lies several more I cannot answer.
I don't *know* if it's what I want to do or not. Maybe it's simple resignation to my best option. Maybe it's blinding my intellect so I can stomach the reality of it. Maybe it's blinding myself to reality period.

Was I "meant" to force this decision on myself? Is it part of my "destiny" to join the service? I don't know. I can only say the thought's been with me for too long to call it a quirk of fate. Is there something I am meant to do that is only possible while enlisted? Is there something I am *supposed* to miss out on that being enlisted will result in? I just don't know.

I'm going to the movies tomorrow with Rebecca. We're going to see _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_...E told me he didn't want to see it, having read the book he said he'd feel cheated to see it attempted on the big screen. I don't know, haven't read the book...but I still really want to see the movie...

SO tomorrow is not a day for answers on the military front...but it shall yield some knowledge about Rebbeca's grasp on our reality...that I'm trying hard not to dwell on too much...

Mom is taking Soma for having thrown her back out doing yard work. It scares me to think some company actually produces a drug named that. (_Brave New World_ reference --. I picture my mother takin Soma and I think of John's mother, lying in bed, addicted to Soma and dying from it...it is an unsettling image...)

It seems as though I should have enough money to pay off most of my credit card bills from workin this summer. That is a very settling thought. If the army does end up being my choice, I'll probably work at CK until those bills are all paid, then enlist. Leave my car to becca, heaven help her with even though she said she wanted it. Leave my stuff in storage in Humboldt...$36 a month I think I can handle while I'm "away"...

I have an appointment to use the library's internet computer thursday...that's when I'll upload these recent few entries. I have an appointment next friday to pay my car registration...just in time too since that's the day it's due on. I *really* didn't want to wait for three hours like I had to last time since I didn't have an appointment...

I'm deathly frightened. Will I look at my life fifty years from now and divide it into "pre-military" and "post-military"? Will it change everything like I think it will? Will it disrupt everything like I think it will? Am I shooting myself in the foot? Am I wasting my precious years away? Will I look back and regret this decision? I'm just so damn scared. I don't like the way life is making me force myself one way or the other, yet I'm powerless to stop it. Nothing is ever really easy, is it?