PJ 11.12.97
06.09.98
11:06PM I'm sitting here in my underwear. did that need to be said? probably not, but it's said anyway.
I just finished watching the "Real World Casting Special"
on MTV...I really love to watch those castin specials...never really follow
the show itself though. Everytime I wonder to myself if I'd 'make the cut'
if I were to try, so I go through this little self evaluation of myself
and my life--is it exciting enough, interesting enough, varied enough?
Would the world want to watch me go about my daily life? Would people care
to see how I interact with complete strangers for six months? I like to
think my life is rather unique/interesting...but then that's me.
Great segue to something I really want to talk about
here...this journal is starting to be less and less "mine", as in my personal
recollection of my life, for myself. The past few days I actually haven't
bothered to write because I am having trouble getting it online..."so why
bother". The prime purpose of this thing has changed it seems. Going public
has altered everything, and while I don't regret going online, I *do* regret
this change in attitude. Who knows if even this will make it up there...the
tone has changed. I don't write to myself anymore, and it's readily apparent.
I address questions to the readers that rarely get answered, yet I ask
anyway. I wonder if this change in attitude is a good thing, or a bad thing.
How neccessary is it for me to continue polluting the web with my scribbling?
How much of an impact does it create and just how should I picture my contributiong
to the web? Is it a good thing I do this? Does it really matter to anyone
but myself? Should I even think these type of thoughts about it?
Lately I've been experiencing a sense of contentment I haven't had since childhood. The feeling that I am controllng my own destiny. The comfort that I am no longer relying on others for support, for money, for really anything. I feel so much more in control of my own life, and feel as if I am starting my own life. It feels oh so good to be self sufficient, to be able to pay my own bills, to be working my way out of debt on my own two feet, to be taking this control.
I talked with the army recruiter finally and got some real answers to my questions. It is possible to enlist for only 28 months and get enough money to finish school, not to mention the monthly pay which is in addition to room and board. My mind is definitely decided, and while mom did indeed violently disagree, she's beginning to accept my decision. They made me promise to wait and think more about it until the deadline for registration payment...august first. So I promised to wait until I sign papers...but come mid/late sept, I'm shipping out. Leaving my stuff in storage at McKinleyville, probably ditching my rat ass car, and leaving California. I want to get stationed on the east coast. That way I get to travel, see sarah again, and get away from mom and dad...being in california makes me still feel dependent on them. I am starting my own life, for once and for all, with this decsion, with this turning point in my life, and I want to make it as complete as possible. Who knows, I may never even come back to Humboldt State..opting to finish school elsewhere...but that's just speculation at this point.
I took the actual ASVAB test Monday at the MEPS center in Oakland (dunno what either anacronym stands for btw)...very simple test for the most part...although some questions were challenging. I don't know the official section by section scores (12 sections in all, automotive, basic science, mathematics, quick math, coding, eng. mechanics, vocab, etc. etc.) but the person manning the test said "congratulations, you aced the test...99" I said, "OK, thanks". I didn't really care. I didn't take nearly as much time as I would have had I *really* cared. When I sat down, there were four people already there. The room filled up as I was taking the test, and I was the first to leave. I think I used at most half the alloted time, probably more like a third. I didn't look at the clock before I started so I won't know until i see the section by section, and maybe not even then. Since I'm most likely going into infantry, anything over 50 or 60 would have qualified me for any of those availible positions...I asked the recruiter about Rangers...airborne rangers. *that* would be neat...but I doubt I can get that on only a two and a quarter year commitment. who knows...I won't know what is availible to sign up for until I commit myself to signing papers and actually enlisting. I may end up going for three years if it means getting a job I really want...will have to wait and see. Going for three years is only eight more months, will give me tons more dough for school + more money in the bank + a possible enlistment bonus...so who knows. I think I can stomach a three year break from "the plan".
So the recruiters are cool people. I met the 'guy at the top of the totem pole' at that office so to speak...very cool guy, also a Leo and an engaging personality. I found myelf becoming more and more comfortable in their presence...less uptight and suppressive about the whole "military atmosphere". Even though I know it's not "real service" it bespeaks a much more comfortable environment, much more Humanness in the system. These men are not just mechanical soldiers, they're people, just like me, just like you, with wives, with musical tastes, with jokes and personalities and worries and hopes and fears and etc., etc. But, like I said, my guess is recruiting duty is more layed back than what I'll find once I enlist...
The past few days I've upped the ante on my own personal fitness regimine...doing an 8 mile run now. Took saturday off from the once around the block 2.5 mile or whatever it was, so did the 8 mmmiles sunday, did it again monday, and then, yesterday, my legs, particually my shins, were super sore...I gave myself a rest day today...back to the run tommorrow.
Worked an 8.5 hours shift again today...worked fri/sat/sun. the night on fri, all day both sat and sun. had monday off to go to oakland for the test. have tommorrow and thursday off. tommorrow I'm probably doing somethin w/ becca, maybe another movie. thursday I'm going to see Mike Watt (finally!) play Slim's in SF. I'm guna try running an X-Y recording rig (pulling one channel off the cardiod mics and one channel of the Omnis) to see how it'll sound. Becca might come to show w/ me, or might not. she doesn't know if she can or even if she'll like the music yet...that'll get worked out tommorrow.
Every night for the past few nights I've been awestruck by the knowledge that, a few months from now, I'll be debt free, working my ass off in basic training, changing things about my life forever...lately I've been appreciating my life a lot more than I have as of late...The exercise is helping, no doubt. I *do* feel more energetic because of it.
Finished _Elric..._ and am almost through _Pylon_. My dedication to actual reading has increased as of late...summer and out of school has that effect. Knowing I'm not going back to school for a while is strange. In some ways, I'm overjoyed about the break. On other counts, I'm annoyed I won't be done for several more years...
I feel terrible. I've had Jen's tapes ready to send for
a few weeks now...but I still haven't gotten them off to her. Maybe I should
drop everything, drive to fresno tommorow, and hand them to her in person
to make up for it...it wouldn't be like the drive was anything out of the
ordinary--I'm spending almost that much time in my car on pretty much a
daily basis now anyway...it would certainly be interesting to see the look
on her face when I showed up...either at her house, or wherever whoever
is home directed me to...work perhaps...
Hmmm....I should check the maps...maybe I could get there
and back by 2 or 3PM if I left early enough...that way I could still see
becca.
So how is this journal going to change once I'm enlisted?
I really don't know. I don't see a major problem kepping it online when
I'm in the army. I *may* have to move it off the school server (although
I've heard they keep old accounts active for a few years even after one
leaves the uni...but I don't know any of those facts for sure...) I still
plan on keeping the journal updated regularly. It's killing me to *not*
be able to put this online now...