Dennis Leary No Cure for Cancer
07.08.98
10:15PM It was another day in my life, with surprises, expectations surpassed, a few questions resulting from human contact, yard work, dinner out, etc. etc.
So I wrote a short online entry yesterday. I had trouble getting into it though...so much has happened that wasn't documented online it made "catch up" neccessary...and it felt such a waste to me, personally, since it was all already here for my own self...just not there for others to read...so it all goes back to the issue of 'who is this for'...I know it's for me...all these offline entries proves it somewhat, even if they are still in html format for possible upload later...but it was all just a 'hello I'm here, here's my life and it's plans in outline form' for the online audience and it...bored me. so much of me in each day and it cannot be boiled down to twenty minutes of condensed typing...so many errant thoughts that don't even make it through to here, let alone two or three weeks later into an online entry...so do people feel cheated by this lack of uploads? Is my online absence missed by anyone? Does that even matter in the long run? Honestly, I'd like to feel people like my journal, like reading abou my trials and tribulations, my musing, my poetry and stories...ahhh so there I go again ranting about this journal again. Will it never end?
Friday marks week four since my last cigarette. Tommorrow my SBM1 comes in....waaaaahhhhhhoooooooo!!!!!!!!!Picked up batteries in anticipation...2 4packs of energizer "AA" for $3.00 after sae price and manufacturers coupon...wahoo! wha a great price. I had just stopped into Long's near the bank (where I went to order more checks--only takes a maximum of ten days to deliver! I was happy about that...be able to pay bills still...down to three checks only...) to get hairspray, batteries was a side thought...the clerk told me about the coupon. I gotta get the one from our paper and go back to buy more...that is just the best price I've every *seen* for energizers...best deal on batteries *period*....so yeah, simple things make me happy, yeah I know.
So France won against Croatia...can't say I wasn't surprised as Croatia was *not* playing well...even that faked eye shot by the Croatian, drawing the Red Card, didn't allow them to win...Dad hates the French, ever since the embassy treated he and mom like shit when they were getting passports or visas or whatever the hell it was...probably visas....
Been drinking a lot more beer lately than I normally do...it's almost replaced cigarrettes to an extent...lovely thought that...become an alcoholic to stop smoking...jeesh.
Car CD player has been on the fritz lately, so I pulled it out, pulled it apart, played with it a bit, cleaned it a little, and now it seems to be working better...good good good. it is so frstrating when it goes on the fritz durin work...the whole thing that makes driving so much fun is my choice of music...radio plays songs I don't like and commercials as well...
So Chris did nothing to my car, luckily. In a way, I'm scared of what he'll do if we meet again. There is so much hate and trouble emotion in the boy. His life is essentially forfeit. I can't see anywhere for him to go to create a viable life for himself...it's crime or nothing, and that kind of lifestyle gives him nothing to lose. My theory is he hates me because he thinks I drove Rebecca away from him....maybe even believes I'm fucking her. I'm sure he has utter contempt for me...probably thinks of me as a weakly schoolboy. I was thinking that perhaps his path to immortality is through me. Perhaps he hopes to create so much impact on me that I write a story with him in it, or a memoir with him, or *something*. I suppose this very entry, and thsoe online entries mentioning him go down that road on their own...but I wonder if I will ever write a story to publish, or another novel, or a decent poem again. Seems as if creative juices are gone...the desire to write anything but this journal is fleeting at best, so in a way this journal, while doing much for myself and a teeny bit for others, is stifling myself. While it's been proven that my poetry and fiction does next to nothing for even those few who bother to read it, this journal at least reaches a few with meaning. but then again I whine.
"The ultimate irony...guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive-through window at McDonald's..." DL
So I got tix for Ed and April for Tool in Reno. Called to let them know. April answered the phone and i'm ashamed to admit I envy Ed for her love. She is such a woman. Yes I'm attracted to her. I'm looking forward to seeing her and Ed in Reno. He said they were the only ones planning on making this Tool Reno trip and that they'd take me up on the hotel offer...my plan is to go, play blackjack, see Tool, play more blackjack, get snookered on free drinks, lose about $100, and come hom the next day...Sometimes it's best when woman just aren't nice to me...spares me that heartache stemming for a certainty of a lengthy solitude. Why is it that every time I see people in love I see myself alone forever. The surety of love seems to come and go like the sun and moon, just like suicide and carpe diem. I'm not an easy person to find and meet I think...such a small social circle and such a reluctance to meet new people. The friends I have are, mostly, come by without effort...I just meet them by circumstance. Christa was the hardest I ever worked to meet someone. Everyone else I know came by the wayside--they just happened to be where I was. Chris, E, Steve, Greg, Rebecca, Jennifer Decker who I finally got around to calling...wasn't home so I left a message which she returned later. Tommorrow is her first day in a semi-permanent substitution position at Marsh Elementary here in Antioch...luck to her but I'm sure she'll be just fine. Sometimes I wonder if there is something supposed to be between us, besides casual aquaintences, but I really can't say. isn't that terrible? I am not a man to pick up on subtlety if it was never indicated before. I am blunt hoping others will return the favor.
11PM