Honking Seals 11.12.97
07.12.98
Jack-knife steel
Hate sharpened
Cruelty imbued--
Belly wound.
And Twisted
Bowels.
Gasping.
Eyes collapsed
Lips turned blue,
Numbness in a fantasy
As liquid fire blood
Stains cotton forever.
His eyes akindle
His lips snarled
Epitath spoken:
"Piece of shit,
Hurt like me."
I had a delivery to the house Chris grew up in today. Chris had left it long ago, and his father followed suit later, but the essence of memory remained. With every step towards the door I imagined Chris jumping at me, plunging a blade deep into my belly, hate embued within his eyes, his arms, his thoughts. This I forced away, I knew there was no threat, Chris was not present, only the memory of him tainted the house...but terror still possesed me breifly as I rung that doorbell. Even after I gave the woman her food, took her money, and drove away, my belly ached with a dryness pang...a near nervous gag...
Deep down, I'm afraid of Chris now...afraid to see him on the street whilst I'm alone, afraid of the confrontation it would surely bring. I'm afraid of him following me one night until I am alone, afraid of what fiendish plans his maddened brain will devise. We are in no way amiacable any longer. I am sure he blames me at least in part for his relationship collapsing, perhaps even for his current position in life, drug dealer, construction worker, and petty thief small time crook...whatever he is doing to get by. I wonder if he will survive to thirty, let alone twenty. I wonder if once I leave here for the military if I will ever be forced to confront him again, and if so, what it will be like, what he will be like, what depths his soul will have come to and what desperate measures his deeds will endure and in turn force...Good friends once, now I can't believe we are such enemies. He is no longer the boy I knew...life has hardened him and shaped him into something evil...exactly as I foresaw but didn't want to believe...He is never someone I will be able o forget, and I wonder if that is good or ill. I wonder how knowing him has/does affect(ed) me, and to what end this relationship will take me...
But the bottom line is that I will remain strong on the surface, that the knowledge he is out there is not affecting me, that I will give no appearance of fear in hopes I will never have to face this. This is not a fear confrontation will heal, such an encounter can solve no problems, can not be good in any way. There is no lesson past what I've learned already. There is no experience past pain and dissapointment there, nothing I am seeking, nothing I want. Point blank, I never want to see Chris again...the same may be same for Rebecca, but it is of some debate over her. She hasn't made contact for several days now and I wonder if she senses I may not want to see her again...
I'm going to see _Gone with the WInd_ tommorrow...might
just take my new recording toy with me to get a feel for it in a 'semi'
field environment. I've been anxious to see he new restored version for
weeks and tommorrow I finally get a good chance...wahoo!
Following that, it's off to work for the evening.