_Under the Pink_ Tori
07.28.98
12:09AM
Death has never come to me...not my parents, sibling, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Of my four grandparents, one died while my father was still young, and the other three I hardly grew much of an attachement to...I used to regret that lack of attachement, that lack of concern over those deaths...but know I hardly even recall...
One of my mothers old friends died the other day of a cancerous like disease called lupus (i think that was it's name). She was a nice enough lady, but again, not someone I was close to...my mother, however, was really upset. Even though there'd been a falling out when the friend missed Justine's wedding, they were close...
I was planning on dinner with my mother and father tonight, but life intervened in the form of Rebecca...she seems to flit in and out of my life like a butterfly. She showed up at the mall today while I was working (a coencidence we met, I don't normally work monday...) and we went out after my shift...saw _Saving Private Ryan_...a sad sad movie. I cried during the opening and closing scenes....particually the part where Ryan says "Tell me I'm a good man"...that line just hit me home, hit me to the core....Am I a good man. Is my life worth all the sorrow and hardship it has caused? Have my deeds made up for my parents difficulties. Have my thoughts and memoirs and feeble attempts at literature made a dent in our culture. Has my sometimes hope ever inspired others...etc. etc. What have I now, today, to mark me as a good man. What has made my life worth while? This question troubles me greatly. Life has been bland, boring, disinteresting as of late...pointless to be exact. Almost like manic depression I suppose....nehilist outlook on my life...running through the motions it seems at the end of the day.
For some time now I've been picturing the world around me, the entire cosmos....how others are faring as I even think the thought, the wars or famine or heroism that is occuring somewhere, the aid someone is giving, the little girl bein saved from death, the clown taking joy in creating joy, the happy couple celebrating their 50th anniversary, the soon to be lawyor acing the bar exam...the boy hitting his first home run to the adoration of the crowd and winning the game and the girl and the respect of the town bully...the collector finding that rarest of rare stamp or baseball card, or the two people falling in love...the list goes on and on...but the whole point is not just one item, but the entire list...the whole world it's forests and mountains and plains and animal kingdom, the roads and buildings and monuments...all of it is out *there* somewhere...and I'm trapped here, in this inferno human body, contemplating my next delivery as I zoom down that same stretch of Highway 4 for the tenth time that day...it gets to the point where everything about my life becomes pointless...ho-hum...the money in my wallet becomes meaningless...the thrill of the tips becomes mute when you're sitting on $100 in the past couple of days...and then it gets spent, a little at a time, dollar here, seven dollars there, and then it's gone and back to the rat race for a few more days, not that even with more money I could leave it...and then pay day rolls around and the check gets dropped in the bank then directed back ou to credit agencies to pay bills, like that SBM1 that is costing me two weeks of work, two weeks of my life in a job I love for it's mindless escape from reality, and at the same time spit on for it's waste of human existance's possibilities...
I rant and rave and curse myself for waste, but rarely do little to counter it. A show here, a show there, a movie, a dinner out, bowling...about all my "worthwhile' endeavors amount to...and what does it matter the reams and reams of digital audio tape, the pushups I can do, the beers I can slug, the car part I can find in the salvage yard to save $230? I can look at my sister and my niece and fully understand what she means when she said "I have everything I need to be happy"...Katrina and Ron and being a mother, a family...it's what makes my sister whole. What will make me whole I wonder?
Rebecca and I finally had the talk we've needed to have...the "I don't believe in meaningless sex and that's all it would be to me" talk. So that issue *should* be settles now, for once and for all... She has a fake ID now and was buzzed when I picked her up...another couple drinks at the bowling alley and she was very tipsy, almost drunk. So tipsy in fact that she took her panty hose off after getting a run in them, and later her bra when she complained about it messing up her bowling...she wanted to have sex and didn't understand why I did not...She gave me news that gave me hope for her, a new job somewhere else. She hasn't told anyone besides me about it and I made her promise to keep it that way, to never discuss where she came from in fact...it's a new start for her, a promising new beginning, and I don't want to see her past muddying everything up...I'm so very happy for her. She needs this break.
There is one little thing about Rebecca that has me thinking backwards though...she wouldn't let me take her to the friend's house she's living with, and she's been social and friendly with Chris everytime he's sought her out as of late--in her own words "We haven't had sex...haven't even kissed."--because she wanted to get her thing back that he'd kept from her...but I can't help but smell a rat. Disturbing to think it, but there's this piece of my mind that warns of danger, that she is living with Chris and didn't want me to know, didn't want him to see us together, yet, couldn't stay away from me...a school boys fantasy perhaps, but does it matter since I don't want her?
But we talked for a good bit, about sex for one thing, not just between us, but in general mostly. She brought up the bit about the near threesome last summer, and I told that was a long time ago...seems an eternity to me. I'm such a different person now than I was then. So much shit has happened since last summer, dreams eroded, new hopes arisen, plans changed, people met, realizations...this journal going online as well I suppose is a semi-big thing. By the time I leave for boot camp, it'll be over a year. Has it helped, hindered, or neither? Me, you? Does it matter really? It's my life, and there sure has been a good bit of documentation on these last several months. One thing about the online journal is that having a few readers makes it more appealing to keep current, gives a little drive to it...
My twenty third birthday is soon. old, young, neither? It varies according to the present state of mind.
12:47PM