Tool 08.26.98 Sacramento Memorial Aud.
09.02.98
10:30AM
September. Seems fleeting, "summer vacation". About a
month from now I'll be shipping out for the most different experience of
my life. Leaving behind Antioch, Arcata, California...friends, relatives...essentially
everything I know, what constitutes my life. Life is a lot like a common
highway phenomenom...slow cars don't seem quite so slow until you near
them and can observe just how fast you gain, pass, and leave them behind...speeding
up to make the lane change ahead of a truck paranoid of not overtaking
it in time, one often finds one has misjudged the speed and distance...dangerously
risking life and limb just to reach a destination a few minutes early at
best...
The point behind the analogy is nothing seems quite so
severe from a distance of time. It's when the month arrives, the week,
the day, that the jitters set in, the cold feet. All the time to prepare
is wasted it seems in the face of such radical change as marriage, moving,
a new job, etc. I catch myself wondering if my decision is a good one,
a sound one...not just made out of desperation. The arguments for and against
have been debated, carefully considered...but those are all logical, reason
based thoughts...little account has been placed on the feelings, the emotional
detachment neccessary, the loss of time with my friends, the chance to
grow with them, the next few crucial years of Katrina's growth, mom and
dad's entering into the twilight years. How will the world greet me four
years from now. What life be like once I'm "out", even beyond life "in"
is what my mind trips itself on. Where will I stand with people such as
Greg and Christa. What will four more years do to Amy and I? On the other
hand, I'm looking forward to the chance of seeing Sarah again, of meeting
new friends and seeing new places, learning new things and maybe thinking
new thoughts inspired by the "oppressive nature of the military". Just
like every major lifestyle change, I'm nervous and excited both, and I'm
sure the feelins will only grow as September wears on.
Rebecca dropped by the resteraunt yesterday to say hello and I suppose go out afterward...but I didn't wantto talk, and I certainly didn't want to go out. That whole gumball is too sour for me...having anything to do with her seems dangerous even...I severed my ties to Chris last summer, and I want it left that way. With her fucking him again, "pretending" to be his girlfriend or whatever the fuck it is she's doing...I want out of the whole damn situation. I'm already going out of my way to avoid him so as to avoid any kind of confrontation, most likely one that would become physical. Last thing I want is some whacked out crack head thinking I'm scoping his "girlfriend"...rahter just not go there. Becca took my "I don't want to talk about it" answer to her "what's wrong" as I sat there obviously not happy to see her and left. I hope she stays away completely now, and I've wasted enough space here and in my thoughts about it.
My recruiter dropped by the resteraunt monday, my one day off this week (scheduled for 47 hours) looking for me. Apparently he's gone back to Oaklahoma on leave for a while, presumably to visit with his wife and soothe out problems in their marriage. Still gotta talk with him about my car, which is falling about...
The sacto Tool show kicked ass, best of the three I saw last month, and the tape ruled as well. The San Jose show was potponed to last sunday, august 30...which I discovered only after driving to san jose and having my v belt fucking snap again on the way home...and my car overheated on the way off the interstate to a nearby gas station where I could replace it...that's like the third or fourth time over the years I've fried the engine like that, and it's taken it's toll...the car won't last much longer but I don't care really...I don't need it much longer! Then yesterday the elastic guard strap I have preventing the battery from sliding into the fan belt and gettin chewed up snapped, knocking the crankcase cap off while it was at it...Lost a lot of oil outta that gap before I could pull off 4 and find ou what was up...all on delivery. THe battery did get chewed up, but luckily not enough to put a hole in it. Now I gotta make a new constraint and replace the oil before work. big yeah.
I had to beg Wendy to let me off early sunday for the show...good show but sacto was better. the venue in sacto had the best acoustics of all three venues.
Talking with my mother the other day about chaos and life.
We were talking about the comfort in routine and knowing a job so well
one can "space out" while doing it, so I told her why I like my job, because
I can space out the driving aspec and focus on the music or free thoughts
or whatever, but that, when I don't space out, and I actively perceive
my surroundings, I can notice somethign new, something I'd never seen or
thought before abou those surroundings, like on Highway 4 for example,
how the city looks under the immense tree scape, or how the tabora area
hills rise ou of nothing before the full wave of hills to Mt. Diablo begins
or the view of the rivers or the bridge or the distinct differences between
old town antioch and nouve rich antioch...things like that and others...and
I told my mother that when new, original thought like that is becoming
less and less often in occurence, that's when I know it's time to leave.I
never told her that was the state I find myself in now, but maybe she picked
up on it. Despite my jitters, it is time for me to leave. I need something
new, and this appealed to me.
Tool 08.30.98 San Jose State U. Event Center
I wonder about my friend and everyone in school right
now. I miss them dearly. I got an email from Christa last week that damn
near well tore me in two...she closed it with "I miss you", and that alone
both heartened me and tore at me. To know someone out there cares that
much is joyish, but to know I'm leaving such a friend and making them miss
me hurts a little. Four years from now, just assuming for a minute or two
I don't visit on leave, what will the dynamics be like. Will I be married?
Will I be a hardened sunofabitch (hope to god not on either). Will I have
recovered enough inspiration to write that second (and first decent) novel?
Any good poetry? It gnaws at me to be inspired but have it fizzle once
it hits the page or screen. So many nights I dream up thoughts or ideas
only to have them lost in inaction and my tired state of do nothing. I've
been a slug for a while now it seems, doing very little worthwhile with
my life, seeing a show and making a tape for a friend...that's about the
most worthwhile activity as of late...Everything seems so blase, so routine,
so everyday and boring. I shouldn't be complaining since I myself am part
of the problem, staying up late, watching TV and drinking beer. going to
bed, masturbating, and waking up seven or eight hours later to shit/shower/shave
and off to work where it's all hum drum and even a good night of tips sn't
so excitin anymore. Fellow workers dynamics make the day passable but long
stretches alone serving customer clueless because they either can't read
or are just to stupid to take the time to read the huge ass billboard on
the wall describing the menu in detail...
It's this routine same in same out day to day living
that makes me actually relish my piece of shit car. Sure, it's a pain in
the ass when somethign goes wrong, but I'm now at the point that I'm not
scared of that. I understand enough to figure out what's wrong and what
to do about it. I actually enjoy to an extent gettin all greasy to fix
it up, or shit-rig it till a more permanent repair is possibly...the fact
is that it's something *different*, unexpected. Something to make me think,
force me into action, appreciate the event as not part of the routine.
After a while, I'm sure the military will become the same. Hopefully it's
as close to the end of my four years as possibly. Hopefully the base shifting
will appease my wanderlust, my desire at instability. Mayhaps that bsae
shifting will even cure my wandering nature, make me *want* to settle down
somewhere.
Sept 15 and 16 I am seeing Tori Amos and Christa. Sept 17 I'm driving up to Arcata to spend time with her and Greg and E and the rest of 'em and get my transcripts and make final my withdrawals from the area...get my stuff from storage, load it into my U-Haul and drive back Sept 21. About two weeks later I'm off to boot camp. 11:45AM