Tori Amos 05.05.98

09.11.98
1:20AM

James Bond on the playstation with three guys, becoming friends I suppose it occurred to me how I'm becoming social again in my response to my engulfing departure...hanging out with people again. Tomorrow I'm meeting Beth after work...she *does* work in the mall, Things Remembered, an engraving and engraving pieces shop...Sabrina my coworker wants all the details and I'll probably oblige a few...no actual plans layed...we'll just meet after she finishes her shift. I'm *scheduled* off an hour before, so if I have to stay late should be OK...Of course it means bringing spare clothes and no shower...hope she isn't self conscious of herself just off work or uptwisted by mine...ick a shower would rule...maybe just maybe time enough if I luck out to run home and shower...

So yeah I'm excited. Lets hope things work out well enough to not regret this one month thing at best...long distance surely doesn't work...

Like to bring a rose but I think it's a bad idea to be so romantic with this timing...the feelers aren't really set...what's the vibe here...

Been out with Derick a lot as of late, three times in under a week constitutes a lot of hangin' in my book...
It's a total trip remembering us meeting when I was ten...flinging mud and sand down where the community tennis courts now are...and just being in his car on the road is different, so used to driving myself for work *and* off work...Creeping up the stairs in his parent's house, then creeping back down later...drinking tequila or gin or a beer with now after all this time
So I'm wondering what to try doing termerrow evenig, a late movie? I wanna see the new Mat Damon one, _Rounders_ even it seems to me as if Matt's playing the same *kind* of roles/stories in all his movies the troubled man doin what he thinks is best/right but discovering something left behind he has to face, to deal with...private ryan, will hunting, now this poker player turned law student...still seems good to me, a decent first date movie. She seemed excited enough when I suppose asked her out you could say...good sign it's not some joke, and it's a twisted and sick head that causes such thoughts: "it's a joke". But then, I'm not different from anyione else really. I have my plans, my hopes, my fears. I write them down and try to take meaning from them more than most is all, what's so special 'bout that? I do it because it's just a part of me, it's not about thoughts of fame or acclaim or shining email praise crap...there were of course a few such thoughts in the very beginning, but it rapidily faded once I realized just what this is to me, my social place, my speaking ground, and I was focusing too much on it. For a brief while this summer my thoughts revolved around what to write in my journal that night...it seemed dull, repetetive, useless, and uninspiring...so I tried to think thoughts and make decisions and go here and see that...but it was living for the wrong reasons...I don't live for this journal, it lives for me. Boot camp will see 0 uploads. I hope to keep a paper journal but will it happen? Plans change. I was thinking I'd make it through straight to Fort Jackson with as many looses end tied as possible, but no such luck with a few new ones coming up...not that I don't welcome them for what I can take; actually "living"
If I fall head over heels with Beth I think I'm all messed up planwise...

Sometimes better to just be poison...but every human needs companionship.

So it looks like another late Lyon's dinner with Beth...probably should grab a bit more cash. Hafta vacuum and water the plants/garden tommorrow morning, about 7 hours from now actually...so I'm off to upload and then crash...

P.S. I found out who the MGD blind date was: The Wallflowers...not upset at all about missing that show...don't dig the band a whole lot...

Wonder what kind of music Beth digs...hope we can relate somewhere there...