Howard Stern...
09.15.98
7:18AM
Just got back from taking mum and pops to SFO. Went to sleep early last night at 9PM but didn't sleep any more than two hours to a stretch before waking...shit sleep and a long day ahead of me, and now I'm too awake to try napping although I'll try soon enough...
I won't see Beth again until next tuesday at least. I haven't been able to get her out of my head. She's only 17 and we have so damn little in common, but I can't help it--I just feel *good* when I'm around her. Too bad I'm leaving. My last delivery last night was just down the street from her house, so I stopped in for a few minutes to see how she was. He grandmother's funeral is today and yesterday was the viewing. I swear, that girl has seen more death in her life than I can count. I wonder if that's the reason behind her fascination with the matter...mortician, EMT, _Night of the Living Dead_...Apparently she spends time online, but "not a lot"...although she was up all night sunday with her friends from Oaklahoma that moved back out here and online for most of that. Either she hasn't found this or hasn't wanted to say anything yet. If she knew my last name it wouldn't be hard...any simple search engine on my full name should lead one here...but she doesn't know that little fact. Of course, my relations with Becca have led me to an automatic feeling of distrust towards people around me, a very small, tiny element, but still there nonetheless...so how do I know if Beth is being completely up front with me? I believe what she's said, what reason could she have for wanting to lie, but yet again, that leery suspicion is lurking in the depths...It's easy to doubt love when you've been without it for so long.
And yet I am still left to wonder, why? From what I've learned of her life and her nature, she's not the type to want a long distance relationship with a man she'll seldom see after the first few weeks. I don't know if I want that either...but it's hard to let go. All this mind numbing trauma and loss of sleep wondering about the situation is better than not having met at all...bittersweet pain.
I wanted to kiss her last night, dreamed of just how to do it even, but right in front of her house, with her *entire* family there for the funeral, I felt too weird...and plus I don't know if it's a good idea to even go there.
I just can't figure out why she wanted any of this. There's got to be other men out there that aren't about to leave, and all she's seen of me so far is so damn superficial. I haven't even begun to open myself up to her, partly in fear of falling to far, partly in fear of her falling to far.
The "just friends" feeling I had is fading/gone
Oh yeah, and sorry to anyone who might care, the 13th
was uploaded a few days late...crashed after writing it and didn't get
a chance to upload.