Friday, February 18, 2000
Dear Mimsie......
I'm trying to figure out what is up with me right now. I missed two days of program this week. I'm trying to decide if it was because i REALLY didn't feel well or if i just wanted to stay home. I've missed more program since i moved here to the house than i did the entire time i lived at home with you. Jonathan doesn't want me to 'beat myself up about it'. And, Judith and Mary think if I can 'sit with it - my feelings' then 'it' will begin to come out - rear it's ugly head (so-to-speak).
So.... here i 'sit', in the dark, light from the monitor glaring in my face.
I feel so empty... so empty but yet they tell me I'm full of things that are wanting to come out. "Try to sit with it, Jami". They tell me. I'm curious about what they would call all those nights i would lay in my bed shaking and rocking and crying so hard that I'm sure my neighbors heard me.... what was that? What was I doing then, if not 'sitting with it'?
On very rare occassions I have been able to write while I am in the middle of one of these episodes. Tuesday's entry is an example of one such writing. HOWEVER, it's mild in comparison to some of the stuff..... Back in August, I wrote a piece called Pain. It's very difficult for some people to read.... understand... accept.... but, it's probably the most 'vocal' the beast which lives inside my head and body has ever been. I'm attaching a link to it Here. I'd love for you to read it... send me any comments you might have about it.... actually, I'm open to all sorts of comments.... feel free to email me anytime - or, sign my guestbook!