i started this attack - triggered it with my own curiosity...
needing to feel someone else's pain
now wrenched in my own
this bleeding pain - this breathing pain
breaking.... go away!
growing tired suddenly...
my mind sickeningly wishing not to leave this place
no talking, no writing... just wishing to stay numb.
all of me living in this hell.
thoughts once racing now sit frozen in my brain...
a thick, black muck...
slowly it begins to melt
it creeps it's way through the pores of my logic
paralyzing what is good....
tearing apart my soul
freezing out the rescue team -
Lorazapam, Remeron and more.
eating it's way through the progress they protect.
soon the walls will crumble...
shaking... breathing out but bringing very little back in
fists clenched - pushing, pulling creating a diversion
attempting only to rid my body of this virus.
somewhere there is a key...
is it within me - it must be
is it sleep - tears shed for no reason?
must i be forgiven of my sins
seek deliverance from the grips of hell?
breathing steadies now...
say it, say it again and again
start with 'be' and end with 'done'
say it, spell it, sing it
slow it all down and then turn your back.
it's not working.
it will.
soon the muck will melt away...
leaving behind thoughts, and ideas,
racing to destinations unknown.
too easy to cop out -
too easy to let down to surrender control
sharing nothing
reminded that i started this disaster...
with eyes wide open and heart completely broken.