i'm not sure why the last two entries have been from
past journals (ie; paper journals).  for some reason i 
feel like i need to see them.... it's good to remember 
where you've been - at least that's what they told me in 
class today.  my problem isn't getting back to where i 
was... it's letting go of it all again! 

i talked to a doctor today. he upped my meds and seems 
sincerely concerned...... *shrug* who knows anymore! 

*********************

6/18/99 - 10:31pm
Listening to:  Dante's Prayer - Loreena McKennitt

I've been crying since about 6:00 this evening. I
haven't slept - I go to bed at night thinking that 
I'll wake up feeling all better. That used to work. 
It's not working anymore.  I stayed at work tonight 
until about 8:00pm. I don't know why. I think a part of 
me thought that if I was online maybe he'd come online 
too - but, he didn't. I knew he wouldn't. maybe I was 
there because I didn't want to be alone. Who knows.  

I talked to carl today. The "toy" conversation.. 
concerning the fact that i'm always there for aaron 
to talk to and don't i realize that he's just using
me as a toy.. I've always been a " toy" for ppl 
to play with.  Even girls. No one took or takes me too 
serious - I imagine that's because I carry myself 
that way. "Never mind the ding-a-ling".  A part
of me wants to show everyone who I am. that would be 
great if I could just figure out who I am. another part 
of me just wants to tell everyone to "fuck off"! 
i better just stick with figuring myself out... I'm much 
nicer that way!

i'm talking to andrew... told him about my conversation
with carl. they are flatmates but right now carl is at 
his mom's.  anyway, andrew asked if i have any regrets. 
i told him that i didn't think so because to have regrets 
i think you have to "accept" that maybe you were
wrong to do something... how can you be wrong about 
something if you did it from the heart? i don't know.  

i emailed jones tonight. i forwarded the email to a few 
ppl... (you can see it here) explaining that it was one
of my "fits" of depression that i have..... 
it's pretty dark. Fairly disturbing... but it's me.  

Back to trying to figure out who i am.... 

more October Kisses
back to Square One