Lawyer Jokes

This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's Office publication

"The Point of View" In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining

a pathologist. Here's what happened:

ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man

was dead, were you?

CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar

on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there

practicing law somewhere.

Firemen.

One night in a sleepy town the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm

goes out and departments from miles around race to the scene. After fighting

the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire

chief,

"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They

must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out

safely!"

With this the firemen attack with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still

have not gained any ground. With this the company president offers $100,000 to

the engine company that brings out the company's secret files.

In the distance a long siren is heard and soon another fire truck comes into

sight. The fire chief realizes that is that little rinky-dink volunteer fire

company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement the fire engine

races through the chemical plant gates and drives right into the middle of the

inferno. He can see these old timers hopping off their rig fighting the fire

with an effort that he has never seen before.

Less than an hour later the fire is out and the secret formulas have been saved

by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president is so estatic he

doubles the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers the chemical

company president can't help but ask what they will do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looks him tight in the eye...

"First thing we do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!

Cheap Ride.

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the

old open cockpit airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If

you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride

will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate

you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when

my wife fell out."

Collection of Puns.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in

the craft it sank.....proving once and for all that you can't have your

kayak and heat it, too.

**************************************************************************

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and

became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and

never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the

lesser of two weevils.

**************************************************************************

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to

the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

**************************************************************************

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

**************************************************************************

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One

says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are

you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

**************************************************************************

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine

during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

**************************************************************************

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about

an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't

stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

**************************************************************************

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut

daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would

always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as

the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find

that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together

a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came

in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This

isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's

a hickory daiquiri, doc."

**************************************************************************

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to

eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading a

book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly

pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of

the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

**************************************************************************

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten

different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

**************************************************************************

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender

says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a

fun guy!"

**************************************************************************

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his

home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll

just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's

served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the

fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the

hollandaise!"

**************************************************************************

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large

puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies

over and the other one swims through. Which one gets the worm first?

The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

**************************************************************************

The Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures

of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be

waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with

his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the

pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the

air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and

make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a

photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my

instructor?"