1. What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

2. What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

3. Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?

It's not worth shitting on.

4. What do you call a field full of Australians?

A vacant lot.

5. An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were

in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump.

The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with

the cry, " I am doing this for my country....."

The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the

same words.

Then the New Zealanders ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed

him out the plane and cried" I'm doing this for my country....."

6. Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they

think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.>

7. How do you define 144 Australians?

Gross stupidity.

8. The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied,

"I'm 5'11" and sitting in the front seat."

9. What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?

A cheat.

10. An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.

11. What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?

Gifted

12. If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room,

and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?

The blonde - the other two don't exist.

13. How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.

14. What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

15. Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him a week later.

16. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?

At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.

17. An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor

to find out how to go about this. `Well', said the doctor, `this is a very

delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove

half your brain.' `That's OK' said the Englishman. `I've always wanted to

be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk.' The operation went ahead but the

Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. `I'm so

Terribly sorry!' the doctor said `Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken

The whole brain out!' The patient replied, `It's all right mate!'

18. Newsflash! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and

two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring

in one of them.

19. There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter

speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut

20. An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political

parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.

Fishing Trip (pun)

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with

twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of

what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman

said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while,

the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed

a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn

towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't

matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child

always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and

Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point

on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came

when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that

learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their

ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the

ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man

walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband.

"My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely

one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards

fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole

week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up.

Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was

pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never

saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must

of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small,

red salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm

much too small!" "Wow!, a talking salmon," the fisherman exclaimed,

"What's your name? "Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back

into the sea!" The fisherman did so. About a year later, the man was

fishing the same spot when he again caught Rusty! "Amazing," exclaimed

the fisherman, "What have you been doing since I last caught you?" "I've

been sitting on the wreck of the good ship Titanic writing poetry, it's

very inspirational there." The fisherman read some of the poems and was

quite impressed. "These should be published," he said. "Have you thought

of a title for them?" After some thought the fish said, "I'll call them

... "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses."

Travel language joke

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at

A hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic

Review:

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baychem - crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San toes. July San toes?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo

one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping

we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.

Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease

baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and

copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G: "You're welcome"